Transcriber: Ana Birsa Reviewer: Cissy Yun
It began about four years ago.
I attended an academic conference,
that forever, and completely changed
the trajectory of my life,
and my career, and my research.
So, I'm sitting in the audience, about 500 of us.
And I was watching a panel discussion of four women.
Four academics at the pinnacle of their career,
each of them experts in their chosen fields
of Antropolgy and Sociology and PolySci.
And among the four of them,
they had published hundreds of academic articles,
dozens of books.
All they had to do
was introduce themselves.
First woman.
She takes the microphone, and she goes:
"I don't know what I could possibly add to this discussion..."
What?
You're the expert!
You are the world renowned expert,
so if you don't know what you could add, then...
I don't know what you could add.
And the lunch buffet just started!
So, should I go outside, or should I be listening to you?
And I thought "okay".
Academics sometimes aren't the most charismatic speakers.
Maybe she's nervous.
Second woman takes the microphone, and she says:
"Oh my gosh! I thought they sent the email to the wrong person!
I'm just so humbled to be here".
What?
What's going on?
Third woman, groundhog day; fourth woman, same thing.
Over the course of that one week
I listened to 25 of these panel type discussions,
and not once,
not once did I hear a man take that microphone
and discount his accomplishments, minimize his experience.
And yet, every single time a woman took a microphone,
an apologetic tone we're sure had follow.
Every single time a woman took the microphone
at that conference,
she minimized her experience, and I found it enraging!
But I also found it heartbreaking.
Why do women apologize more often than men?
Research shows when both men and women
deem an apology, deem an infraction,
to be apology worthy, they'll both apologize.
So, it's not that men are avoiding apologies.
Oh... it's just that men have a really high, high threshold
for what they deem to be apology-worthy behaviour.
And women... oh my godness, women!
We have a really low threshold, we're down here.
Always on the lookout for how we can squeeze in an apology.
You know it's true!
When someone bumps into you in the hallway,
what do you say?
Sorry?
Why are you apologizing?
Could you say another word?
Yes, we can!
Let me tell you something:
apologies matter.
Apologies matter.
Don't let anybody tell you differently.
Sure, if used in the right way and intermittently,
they can ease old wounds, they can heal trauma,
they can calm people down.
But, if you are beginning and ending your sentences with
"sorry, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry..."
people aren't looking at you going: damn!
How can I get some of that confidence?
(Laughter)
No!
They're not thinking: "Hey, how can I promote that woman?"
No.
If you're beginning and ending your sentences with
"sorry, sorry... sorry about that,
sorry that thing earlier... sorry, sorry is this a good time...
sorry can I come in... sorry can I speak?"
Don't be surprised
if there's nothing left of your confidence at the end of the day.
Because you've given it away
with every needless, useless apology.
And so,
I collect apologies.
And I sent out an email
to all my teaching assistants, and my research assistants,
and my colleagues, and I said:
send me what you've apologized for in the past month.
This is what they sent in.
How many of us have attended that meeting
where somebody wants to give an opinion, wants to ask a question,
and instead of just giving your ideas, you prefixed with:
"Sorry, this is... this is going to sound silly",
"Sorry! Sorry is this... is this a good time?",
"Sorry, can I just inter... this is, oh yeah... okay"
What?
What is going on here?
Just state your opinion!
Why are you prefixing it with "Sorry, this is going to be silly,"
Because guess what?
No one's going to listen to you after that.
You just said it was going to be silly!
So I've tuned you out.
How about...
the dreaded speech?
How many weddings have you attended
where somebody takes the microphone to give a toast,
and what do they say?
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not really good at public speaking.
Sorry, I'm really nervous"
Alright, go home and practice that!
(Laughter)
What?
Why you leading with the negative?
Yeah, how about:
"Sorry, my power... Oh,my power points are out of order, I'm so sorry!"
Alright, Barbara, no one knew they were out of order.
You just brought it to our attention!
What's going on here, ladies?
This...
this is my research assistant.
She said sorry to the pizza delivery guy...
for being late to her house, and she said:
"Oh my gosh, we live in a new subdevelopment.
I'm so sorry, did you have trouble finding this place?"
No Susie, that's what GPS is for!
Stop... apologizing!
How about getting the wrong order at Starbucks?
And you say:
"I'm so sorry, so... sorry, I know... I know you're a trainee.
Sorry, it's just, I know there's a line, it's just that I paid 9 dollars for it.
And it's got dairy in it, and I'm lactose intollerant...
It's okay, fine... I'm going to live with the stomach cramps, it's okay."
(Laughter)
Right?
That's what we do!
So how can we switch out of all these apologetic lingo
for something that's more confidence inducing?
The next time
somebody bumps into you,
you could say:
"go ahead", "your turn", "after you".
You don't have to insert an apology!
The next time you bump into somebody, you're trying to squeeze through:
"pardon me", "excuse me".
You don't have to begin and end to every statement with "sorry".
Apologies have become our habitual way of communicating.
And it's killing our confidence.
Instead of saying "sorry to interrupt you",
how about:
"I have an idea", "I'd like to add",
"Why don't we try this?"
That's all you have to say.
Instead of saying "Sorry for complaining",
"Oh, sorry for venting",
you could just say "Thanks for listening",
"Thanks for being there", "Thanks for being my friend".
How many of you have ever arrived late for a meeting?
What did you say?
"Sorry!"
Well, I've got a story for you.
We're at a restaurant, four of us, for a work meeting.
And we're waiting for number five to arrive.
And he was late.
Oh, it was glorious, because I put my sociological cap on, and I thought:
what would he say?
How many apologies will he give?
Oh, yes, the anticipation I could barely stand it!
He arrives to the restaurant, and you know what he says?
He says:
"Hey, thanks for waiting!"
What?
(Laughter)
And now I'm dead, because I love that line,
and I had never used it before.
Thanks for waiting!
And do you know what the rest of us said?
"Yeah, you're welcome"
(Laughter)
Okay, and we all just opened our menus,
and ordered... and life went on!
And everything was fine!
And I couldn't believe it, because can you imagine
if a woman had arrived late
for a work meeting with her superiors?
Oh my godness!
She wouldn't have been able to get in the door with the apologies!
There would have been flowing of: "Oh I'm so sorry, I couldn't find parking,
and then my GPS didn't work, and then I didn't have gas.
And I had to take the kids to daycare, and I forgot their lunch,
and oh my gosh, and oh my gosh!
Yeah, yeah... how can I get some of that on my team?
(Laughter)
Right?
Or somebody else just says:
"Hey, thanks for waiting!"
Love it!
Emails:
how often have you apologized needlessly in an email?
Somebody calls you out on a mistake,
you could say:
"Thanks for catching that for me!", "Hey, thanks for flagging that mistake!",
"Look at you, catching my mistakes, good for you!"
(Laughter)
"Good for you!"
Every single one of us in here has responded to a text
that you've got, and you didn't respond right away.
What did you say?
"Sorry!"
First words:
"Sorry! Sorry I was..."
Don't apologize, you were working.
"I was working", "I was reading",
"I was driving", "I was trying to put on spanx".
(Laughter)
Whatever it is, it's all good!
You don't have to apologize.
Do you know there is a Google Chrome plug-in
for you computer, called "just not sorry" ?
And it will alert you to all the needless apologies in your emails.
Yeah, so the next time you want to hit "send" it's going to say:
hey girl, you sure you want to hit "send"?
You have seven apologies...
in three lines!
And then you're going to say thank you.
Thank you for bringing that to my attention.
(Laughter)
So, getting off the apology train
is also about learning to say thank you.
When you get complimented on anything,
from your hair to a job well done at work,
you say two things:
thank you.
That's it.
But my gosh, we're Olympians, we're gold medalist at the sport
of dismissing any praise that we get.
"Oh no, my gosh, oh my gosh! Don't look at me! Don't compliment me!"
Right?
You got commended for doing something well, you say:
"Oh, it's just luck!"
"Anybody could have done this."
"Well, if I could do it, anybody could do it!"
Right? No!
Just say thank you.
That's all.
When you compliment a woman, on her outfit...
What's you name?
Alexandra!
"Alexandra, I like your black blazer!"
Now, stereotypically,
what does Alexandra say?
"This old thing?"
"Oh my gosh!
I've got it on Clearance for a 20 bucks!"
We've all done that!
Why are you telling people
how much you spent on your clothes?
"Oh, I just founded it at the bottom of my closet!"
"Okay, well actually, Alexandra, now that I'm looking at it...
it does look cheap."
(Laughter)
Because you led with the negative.
And now, upon closer inspection, it does look wrinkled.
Why?
Just say thank you.
That's all you've got to do.
Just say thank you.
Men own their accomplishments,
women downplay.
When women get commended for a job well done at work,
what do they stereotypically say?
But, also backed by research, what do they say?
"Oh, I couldn't have done it...
I couldn't have done it without my...
team, oh my gosh! I couldn't...
Well, here's my executive assistant,
and then my four member team, and this Starbucks barista.
My husband, he's so supportive!
And my daughter, my neighbour and my bestie..."
Alright...
(Laughter)
Alright, but guess what?
I only have funds to hire one person.
So, who am I hiring among your 18 member entourage
that you literally just said,
you literally just said, you needed all 18 of them?
But that's what we do.
We deflect, we minimize.
And anything other than "thank you",
when praised, makes you sound doubtful
of your accomplishments,
but also of your self-worth.
That matters.
I want you
to own your accomplishments.
I want you to stand in that light.
And know that you deserve it.
You are worth it.
You don't have to justify your successes,
you don't have to explain them away.
They are worth it.
The reason
we struggle with owning our accomplishments,
the reason we struggle in the limelight
is because of a concept called "feminine modesty".
It's the tendency for women to downplay their achievements,
to minimize their accomplishments,
because we have been socialized
into thinking that it's not lady-like it's not feminine to be boastful.
But also, because we have been conditioned,
from a very young age, to always be thinking about
how other people might feel.
How would other people feel,
if you were to own that accomplishment?
And it's intimately linked to a word called "humble".
Ah! I loath the word humble!
Do you know the definition of humble?
Having or showing a low-estimate of one's own worth.
Let me repeat that.
Having or showing a low-estimate of one's own worth.
Why would I want that for myself?
Why would I want that for you?
Why would I want that for my daughter?
Why would I want that for any of my undergraduates?
No.
We have to own our accomplishments.
But there's a way out.
There is!
And I have three tips.
One: I want you to stop apologizing.
Now that I brought your attention to all the needless, useless apologies,
you're going to be hearing, hearing that everywhere!
And then I want you to consciously stop apologizing,
even if it's mid-word.
Take it back!
(Laughter)
Even if you like:
"You know what? I'm so sor...no! No, I'm not, David! I am not sorry!
I'm going to take that apology back!"
That's what I want you start doing.
The second is: say thank you.
When praised,
or complimented on anything: thank you!
And then zip it... move on!
(Laughter)
Just resist!
Oh my gosh, resist the urge
to insert a self-deprecating joke.
Resist the urge to deflect, and just own it!
And then, a third tip, is:
I want you to help other women out.
I have been interrupting
these apologies for three years now, and I'll do it everywhere!
I'll do it in the parking lot, I'll do it to total strangers,
at the grocery store, in line somewhere.
And 100% of the time, when I interrupt another woman,
and I say: why did you just apologize for that?
First, she says "sorry", for saying sorry.
(Laughter)
But, what she then says is:
"I don't even know".
I don't even know.
Because, it has become our habitual way of communicating.
And we need to stop
killing our confidence.
And so,
I want to end with this thought.
Instead of doubting yourself,
instead of justifying, and explaining away your successes,
instead of apologizing,
I want you to thank yourself.
Because I was in the middle of writing my acknowledgments for my books,
and so, I want to read to you what I wrote.
"I'd like to start of by thanking myself,"
(Laughter)
(Applause)
"Damn girl! Damn girl, you did it!
I had a vision, I had a plan,
and then I worked that plan every damn day".
And you'll see, I thank the team!
The team's all in there, all you have research assistants,
and my husband, and my daughter,
and this Starbucks barista,
and the woman who does my nails.
They're all in there!
Sure, but it's after I thanked myself,
because I thanked the number one person responsible for my success.
And that's me!
And that's alright.
And that's what I want for you!
I want you to start thanking yourself.
Thank you everybody!
(Applause)