♪♪ ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
JON -- JON -- I -- UH, TONIGHT, I AM TALKING TO TIMOTHEÉE
CHALAMET AND ZENDAYA.
>> Jon: YEAH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BOTH IN THE MOVIE
"DUNE" THAT OPENS THIS WEEKEND, RIGHT?
OPENS TOMORROW, OR MIDNIGHT TONIGHT, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
I'VE SEEN IT TWICE BECAUSE, AS BEFORE, I'M FANCY, AND IT'S
ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.
I ALMOST GO ON TOO MUCH ABOUT IT, BUT I HAVE BEEN WAITING MY
WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS MOVIE THAT NOBODY CAN -- DAVID LYNCH TRIED
TO ADAPT IT, THERE HAVE BEEN TV SERIES, BUT THIS ONE HE SLOWLY
CRUSHES IT, IT'S A PERFECT ADAPTATION, IN MY OPINION, AND
I'M VERY EXCITED, THOSE GUYS HAVE ACTUALLY AGREED TO MEET ME
ON ARAKUS FOR AN INTERVIEW.
WE'RE INTERVIEWING ON "DUNE" TONIGHT.
NO ONE HAS INTERVIEWED ANYONE IN LATE NIGHT ON "DUNE" BEFORE.
THAT'S WHAT WE DO, EXCLUSIVES, RIGHT HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ANYWAY, JON, HAPPY THURSDAY.
>> Jon: YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW AND I
HOPE YOU DO, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER
THERE, CAREFULLY ERECTING THE NEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL
CORINTHIAN COLUMNS, FOLLOWING THE GOLDEN RATIO, POLISHING THE
FINEST CARRARA MARBLE, AND ENGRAVING ONTO IT MYTHIC TALES
WITH FLOURISHES OF HUMOR AND PATHOS, TO CREATE THE
GRECO-ROMAN ACROPOLIS THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I GRAB A COUPLE OF OFF-BRAND
LEGOS THAT HAVE BEEN JAMMED BETWEEN MY TOES SINCE I STEPPED
ON THEM IN 2003, FISH THE STICKS OUT OF SOME MELTED POPSICLES IN
A BROKEN FREEZER, COLLECT THE PEE-SOAKED SAND FROM A
PLAYGROUND I BROKE INTO IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT, AND THROW IT ALL
TOGETHER TO CONSTRUCT FOR YOU THE RAMSHACKLE PARTHENON OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "MEANWHILE!," IT KNOWS ALL,
FORGIVES ALL, IT IS A BALM IN GILEAD.
( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, BIG MARVEL CASTING
NEWS, BECAUSE HARRY STYLES HAS JOINED THE MARVEL CINEMATIC
UNIVERSE, AND WILL PLAY EROS, THE GOD OF LOVE AND SEX.
SO...
HARRY STYLES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, "SAUDI ARABIA IS SET
TO LAUNCH AN ENORMOUS OIL-THEMED 'EXTREME PARK'."
AND TO KEEP THE MIDEAST OIL THEME AUTHENTIC, THE U.S. IS
GOING TO INVADE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SURE, WHY NOT.
IT'S YOUR CLASSIC FAMILY-FRIENDLY DERELICT
OILRIG-BASED THEME PARK FEATURING "THREE HOTELS AND 11
RESTAURANTS SPREAD OVER A NUMBER OF CONNECTED PLATFORMS, AS WELL
AS ROLLER COASTER RIDES AND ADRENALINE RUSH ACTIVITIES LIKE
BUNGEE JUMPING AND SKYDIVING."
JUST BE SURE TO WEAR YOUR PONCHO WHEN YOU RIDE THE LOG FLUME.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IT'S NOW BEEN
CONFIRMED THAT "VIKINGS WERE ACTIVE AT A NEWFOUNDLAND
SETTLEMENT NEARLY 500 YEARS BEFORE CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS
CROSSED THE ATLANTIC."
THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!
NOW WE KNOW THAT VIKINGS DIDN'T DISCOVER AMERICA 500 YEARS
BEFORE COLUMBUS DIDN'T!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: HOLD ON, CHIN STROKE, CHIN STROKE, OH, I DO
ENJOY THAT JOKE.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN A COUP DE GRASS
FOR MARIJUANA SMOKERS IN THE EMPIRE STATE, "NEW YORK
EMPLOYERS CANNOT TEST WORKERS FOR WEED."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHEW...
( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, ROYAL CARIBBEAN
ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY ITS "LONGEST AND MOST COMPREHENIVE" WORLD
CRUISE EVER, FEATURING VISITS TO ALL SEVEN CONTINENTS, STOPPING
AT MORE THAN 150 DESTINATIONS ACROSS 65 COUNTRIES" IN WHAT ITS
WEBSITE CALLS "THE ULTIMATE WORLD CRUISE!"
BECAUSE THAT SOUNDED WAY BETTER THAN THE ROYAL CARIBBEAN "GRAND
COVID VARIANTS-PEDITION!" BE SURE TO HIT THE BUFFET ON
"FISTFUL OF PAELLA" NIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, FOUNDATION GARMENT
COMPANY "SPANX, WHICH WAS FOUNDED WITH $5,000, IS NOW
WORTH $1.2 BILLION, IN A DEAL WITH INVESTMENT GROUP
BLACKSTONE."
AND IF YOU ASK ME?
STILL UNDER-VALUED.
SPANX HAVE BEEN KEEPING THE COLBERT KEISTER HIGH AND TIGHT
FOR 20 YEARS.
WHEN I UNSNAP THIS THING AT THE END OF THE DAY, IT'S LIKE
PUNCTURING A SACK OF OATS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, "FISHER-PRICE MADE A WORKING CHATTER PHONE FOR
ADULTS," WITH UPDATED FEATURES LIKE BLUETOOTH, A SPEAKERPHONE
BUTTON FOR HANDS-FREE TALK, A LOCK SWITCH SO THE WHEELS WON'T
ROLL OFF YOUR DESK, AND WHEN YOU TURN IT OFF, HE SAYS, "LOVE YOU,
BYE."
AND THEN MUTTERS "THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AN EMAIL."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, TIK TOK HAS A NEW
STAR: NOODLE, A 13-YEAR-OLD PUG WHO PICKS AND CHOOSES IN THE
MORNING WHETHER OR NOT HE WANTS TO STAND.
IF HE STANDS, IT'S A "BONES DAY;" IF HE CHOOSES
TO SLUMP STRAIGHT BACK DOWN, IT'S A "NO BONES DAY."
I'LL LET NOODLE EXPLAIN.
>> GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME BACK TO YET ANOTHER
ROUND OF NO BONES.
THE GAME WHERE WE FIND OUT IF MY 13-YEAR-OLD PUG WOKE UP WITH
BONES, AND, AS A RESULT, WE FIND OUT WHAT KIND OF DAY WE'RE GOING
TO HAVE.
I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, IT'S RAINING THIS MORNING.
NOODLE DOES NOT DO RAIN, SO WE'LL SEE IF HE DOES BONES.
NOPE!
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT
I'M LIKE AFTER I REMOVE MY SPANX.
( APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STARS
OF "DUNE," TIMOTHEÉE CHALAMET AN ZENDAYA.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )