Sometimes we struggle to connect with our teenagers as parents.
There are three toxic parenting mistakes that make teens shut you out.
I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins, I've worked for my entire career as a clinical psychologist with parents
and teenagers, and children, and I've learned what works and doesn't.
I also know as a psychologist sometimes we don't even realize that we're doing it.
I'm going to share that with you as we get into these three toxic mistakes.
Before we get into these three toxic mistakes I'm going to give a disclaimer because we
all make mistakes and probably you've done some of these not even knowing that you have.
I love what Maya Angelo said about this.
She said basically, "Do the best you know how to do and when you know better, do better."
I love that because it gives me the room and the freedom to make improvements as I learn
things.
Some of what I have to share with you, you may have not aware of.
As you become aware of it then you're in a position to do something differently.
Here it is, toxic mistake number one thinking that we have control.
Control can be a little slippery especially when we're dealing with another person and
we get lulled in it as parents.
Because when our kids are babies, when they're tiny, when they're little, we do have control.
It doesn't if they wanna get disturbed or not.
We're strapping them into their car seat.
But try doing that with a teenager, that's not gonna fly.
As our kids gain maturity they also gain control over their own life.
We don't have to like this as parents it's just the reality.
Thinking that we have control has it showing up for our kids in ways that they want to
shut us out, they want to push us away, they want to resist or defy that control.
In fact, we've all seen it.
I think one of the definitions of rebellion is when kids do something just for the fact
that they can do it and it may not even be something they ultimately want.
I remember a conversation with a fifteen-year-old this young man was resisting his parents and
what they wanted him to do.
Well, one of the things that they wanted him to do is to get good grades and as I was meeting
with him privately I discovered that he wants to get good grades.
But he was fighting his parents on this all along.
We finally got to a point in our conversation where I said, "Look, you need to do what's
right for you and it will probably please your parents.
But do it anyway", and that illustrates that dynamic.
It's about the control sometimes as we relinquish that.
As parents, it puts us in a position where we're much more workable with our teenagers
especially.
So, that's toxic mistake number one, thinking that we have control.
Hey, before I get to those next two mistakes.
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Toxic mistake number two and this is the one that we don't often even realize we're doing,
lying.
I hope that raises something in you because you're not a liar.
You're an honest person.
You have integrity.
But we lie to our teenagers and it has to do with that first thing that we're talking
about, thinking that we have control.
Here's an example, "You can't go out tonight", is that a lie?
Well, if they go out tonight that just made you a liar, and have you ever experienced
that your teenager can leave if you want them to or not?
They have control over that.
Do you control whether they sneak out?
Do you control whether they view certain media or hang out with certain people or try certain
substances?
No, if you control that they wouldn't be doing it.
Obviously, you don't control this, they do.
So, for you to say you can is usually a lie and they will prove it to you, "Watch me".
That's the level that I'm talking about and there's another application for how we lie
sometimes and don't see it as a lie.
It has to do with following through with our commitments.
This could be in terms of a promise that you've made.
Are you going down your promise?
Will you follow through?
I can tell you, a lot of teenagers that I've interviewed about is they feel like they can't
trust their parents to follow through.
If you don't keep your word, It doesn't happen the way you said it would happen.
"Hey, you said that when I get my homework done I could have access to the car", okay
if you said that keep your word.
If you're wrong, you need to apologize, or if you need to renegotiate but let's not lie.
So, I remember there's an old western movie.
I think it was called Fistful of Dollars and it was one of those old westerns where the
line was, "Don't pull your gun unless you intend to shoot, and don't shoot unless you
intend to kill", no, Dr. Paul is not advocating gun violence.
But the sentiment from that is, "Mean what you say, say what you mean, and follow through
with it".
If you're having a problem with that it's easiest to start with what you say.
Let's not say things that were not willing to follow through on.
Another place when this shows up is when we bail our kids out from consequences that they
have legitimately earned and we usually know were doing that when we say something like,
"Well, next time", hmmm why next time?
Did you just bail him out this time?
Sometimes we're so uncomfortable with consequences ourselves that we bail our kids out.
Well, that's a form of dishonesty.
So, that's toxic mistake number two, lying.
Watch out for it.
Toxic mistake number three, this makes our teen shut us out.
Communicating conditional love, that's a mistake.
What are we telling our kids that e love them if or we love them when, or they'll be okay
upon completion off?
Is it conditional?
Are w sending that message to our kids?
Now you and I both know our love is not conditional.
We're gonna love our kids no matter what and even if.
But what mistakes do we make when we tie our love our acceptance to our kids to some behavior
or some criteria.
Love is free, they don't have to earn it.
It's your responsibility, it's your job to love them no matter what and even if.
I have to tell you, the importance of this goes back to the volumes of psychological
research that has been done over the years.
In child development, trauma recovery, addiction work, It's all very consistent.
The best thing that we can do to help with emotional and mental problems in our world
is to help our children feel more loved and we have to add discipline too.
That's a whole other topic that we need to talk about.
But we separate the disciple from emotion.
So that the message coming from us is always one of unconditional love.
I love you no matter what and even if.
That's my job as a parent.
The mistake is communicating conditional love.
Watch out for these three toxic mistakes.
Did you find this helpful?
If you did, I think you're going to love our next video which is, five things every parent
of the teen needs to know.
I've teamed up with my wife Vicki to bring that one to you.
Click on that right over here and I'll see you soon in that video.