- All right, how about this?
I will bet you that by midnight tonight
I can steal the Medal of Valor from your office.
- And this won't interfere with you doing your job?
- You mean my job as an amazing detective/genius?
No it will not, I'll do all of my work guaranteed.
- I'm considering, I'm interested, I agree to participate.
(bell rings) - All right,
there's the robot I fell in love with.
- You have five minutes until your deadline.
And here you are, handcuffed to a table, in a locked room.
- Which is precisely where I planned on being.
Captain, let me tell you a little story.
You remember when I fell through your celing?
- Yes, that was six hours ago.
- It was, I admit, a disastrous failure.
But it gave me the idea for Herman,
the friendly janitor you met.
With Herman I commenced the perfect crime.
- I caught you as Herman.
- But you didn't catch Rosa.
- [Raymond] Come out of there!
(Jake sighs)
- [Jake] As it turns out, our friend Rosa
is great at picking locks.
- That does not surprise me.
- No, me neither.
Of course I had to find a way to get her out
of your office without you seeing her.
So I created a diversion.
Not mistimed, perfectly timed. (explosion booms)
So she could escape unseen.
- What about the pigeons?
- Oh, the gray pigeons?
They were a red herring, thank you.
Their only purpose was to draw you into the copy room
while two members of my team broke into your locked office.
So now I had a way into your office, and an open cabinet.
All that was left was for the Royal babies
to steal your keys.
- Yes, but you didn't need the keys.
The cabinet was already unlocked.
You needed a way into the safe.
- And I got it.
You were so concerned with getting your keys back,
you didn't even notice the Sergeant steal your phone.
That's right, even the Sergeant's on my side.
I then had Charles dust your screen cover for prints.
The greasiest smudges revealed
the four numbers you use the most.
The four numbers in your passcode.
Based on your advanced age I assume
that you use the same passcode for everything.
Your phone, your email, and of course, your safe.
- That would be a fair assumption.
- And as you walked over here, Charles awkwardly
stuffed himself through your window and opened your safe.
We had the four numbers of your code,
which meant there were 24 possible combinations
for Charles to try.
That could take up to four minutes,
which is why I really dragged out this explanation.
I mean really stretched it.
I don't know if you noticed, but there were times
where I was like, "What am I even talking about?
"This isn't a," oh! (watch beeps)
But, now, four minutes is up.
Which means Boyle is either on the other side
of that door holding your medal, or I've lost.
- Well Captain, it seems that Jake isn't
the only person you underest--
(bell rings)
- But now it's time for round two of our Halloween bet.
This year I believe I'll make things
more difficult for myself.
Let's say, what, I'll steal the watch right off your wrist.
- My watch is right here.
- No, I made a switch, that's a fake.
- No, this one's a fake.
- What?
No!
What?
No!
What?
No!
You were behind all this.
You played me!
- Like Franz Bluheim plays the flute.
- But how could you possibly have known
I was gonna try and steal your watch?
- I knew you would try to take something important to me.
During the year I drew your attention to my watch
You're eight minutes late.
You're 14 minutes late.
You're three minutes early.
In Chicago.
- You annoyed me into stealing it.
- Exactly, now you had a target, but you needed a plan.
Fortunately it walked through the door,
handcuffed to Diaz.
- Scumbag pickpocket is Stan McCreary.
He can take anything off of anyone.
- Anything, anyone?
- The look on your face, priceless.
I put McCreary into my employ immediately.
Fast-forward to this morning.
You commenced your plan.
McCreary stole my watch and then replaced it
with a replica, and while you celebrated,
McCreary put my watch back in my pocket.
The watch never left my person.
Dun-dun-dun!
(bell rings) - Today is the most
important day in the history of this precinct.
For today is Halloween Heist 3: the Heistening, tagline:
- This year we both attempt to steal the same object
instead of Jake attempt to to steal one from me.
- I gave you one direction on the tagline, snappy.
But yes, we will be attempting to steal the same item, this.
(funky music)
- I don't understand what is happening.
- Allow me to explain.
Amy and I were ahead of you the whole time.
- No, you weren't part of this.
Get back over to the loser side, loser.
- All right, worth a shot.
- Remember when you set off the witch?
(witch cackles)
You made Captain Holt flinch, which was weird,
since his door was closed, but not weird,
since he actually heard it over a bug
he planted at your desk.
It was in an old muffin that you never threw in the trash.
- That's why people throw away garbage.
- How are we together?
- Eh.
- Anyway, I tapped into the bug's frequencies,
so I had ears on Jake.
I needed to know what Holt was up to.
That's where Hitchcock came in.
- I masterminded the entire plan.
- You did one small thing,
and I had to explain it to you, like, 45 times.
He left a tiny crack in the blind,
so I could read the Captain's lips.
"Sharon and your kids will distract Jake.
"They'll be here at 9:30 sharp.
"My waffle xylophone on the cheese man."
- What?
- My lip-reading is not flawless.
Now that I knew your plan, it was simple to disrupt.
While Scully gracefully moved the witch,
I got into character.
Holt triggered the witch, which brought Jake into the room.
- And I threw the crown in the trash can.
- Exactly as I planned.
- All hail the crown of destiny.
(crowd cheers)
This year's Halloween Heist is a three-way tiebreaker
to determine the champion of champions.
We'll be playing for this: a plaque that reads,
"The Ultimate Detective/Genius".
(dramatic music) - 'Sup, losers?
I have the real plaque, unh, unh!
It was all me.
Three weeks ago, Captain Holt asked me to order a plaque
that read, "The Ultimate Detective/Genius".
I did it, and I ordered three copies
and a statue of Tyrese riding a dolphin.
- Is that relevant?
- To my life, yes.
- Once I had the plaques, I manipulated Captain Holt
into choosing Boyle as his partner.
All it took was six bottles of dish soap.
See, this is what happens when Jake tries
to wash dishes by himself.
It's like he's helpless without Boyle.
- Yes, he is helpless without Boyle.
- And you fell for my trap like a greedy little rat.
- Easy.
- Yes, it was easy.
And the next phase of my plan,
a quote unquote, skating accident.
- But you knocked out your two front teeth.
- False teeth.
Fake blood.
I lost my real teeth at Jen Sutton's
birthday party in fourth grade.
Once I had faked the skating mishap,
I swapped out a dummy plaque for the real one.
I came back, wearing the perfect disguise
to make sure I was never noticed by anyone.
Something so drab and uninspiring--
- This feels like it's gonna be a dig on me.
- I wore Amy's clothes.
- There it is.
- This is your doing, you and your male prostitute.
- [Jake] Bill is not a male prostitute, I don't think.
- That suit is not drab.
It has a fun salmon lining.
- No, Amy, it made me invisible.
And now that I had that power, every time one of you
stole a plaque, I replaced it with a fake.
And no one had any idea until the lights went out,
revealing a secret message, "Heists are dumb".
And now here you all are, locked up
behind the glass like a bunch of loser fish.
- [All] Gina Linetti is the ultimate human/genius.
- Thank you. (bell dings)
- This year, we compete for the most
elegant and regal of all prizes.
- A championship cummerbund.
- Or belt, as normal people call it.
This heist, the belt will not be locked up or hidden away.
It will be suspended from the ceiling in plain sight
for all to see.
- How poetic, it will hang just out of reach,
like Tantalus's fruit.
- [Jake] What's going on, what's happening?
- [Charles] I can't see!
- [Hitchcock] Everybody just grab something random.
- [Rosa] Back off Hitchcock.
- Silence!
It's gone, the cummerbund is gone!
- Hello, Jacob.
- (yells) What, Ames, what are you doing here?
Why aren't you out looking for the belt?
- You and I both know the belt never left the precinct.
- I don't know that, nobody knows that.
- I kept thinking, "How did anyone swap my key?"
And then it hit me, they didn't.
They swapped the safe.
One of the handmaids, I'm assuming fake Charles,
took my safe, and then Ofamy deposited a lookalike.
What did you give fake Charles so he'd help you?
- Nothing, in fact, he gave me something,
the power of financial freedom.
I invested in a pyramid scheme.
No time to go into it right now.
- Okay so, while we all tried to figure out
who had the real key, fake Charles broke into the safe,
removed the tracker, and led Terry and the whole squad
on a wild goose chase.
My only question is, which box is the belt in?
- Well, good luck figuring it out,
because the clock is tick-tick-tocking.
- It's that one.
- No!
- The dust pattern on top doesn't match its neighbors.
You see, Jake, I'm always gonna be one step ahead of you.
You've lost the ability to surprise me.
Ya just plain boring.
- Again, weird take on a very loving relationship.
- And it's midnight, so I guess I'm an amazing human/genius.
- You might wanna read the inscription on that there belt.
- Why, oh, no, what does it say?
"Amy Santiago, will you marry me?"
- Will you marry me?
- Jake Peralta, I will marry you.
(Jake sighs in relief) (gentle music)
- Jake and Amy.
- [All] To Jake and Amy!
- Great stuff, great stuff.
So, since Peralta altered the cummerbund,
no one really won the heist this year.
Is that what everyone's thinking?
- Captain.
- Right, right, sorry, not the time.
I'm so happy for you both.
Technically, there was no winner.
(bell rings)