Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
I remember it so you don't have to.
*sigh*
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
I have to admit, growing up, I wasn't really a Power Rangers kid.
I was more in that Ninja Turtles/X-Men kind of crowd.
In fact, when the show first premiered, I remember saying to myself:
"There's no way this is gonna catch on. People can't possibly be this stupid!"
And this is why I'm not in the stock market.
The show, about six bland teenagers who save the world from Japanese stock footage,
was such a huge hit that they eventually made a movie about them in 1995.
And does it suck balls?
*oh yeah*
Major balls.
In fact, the only difference between the movie version and the show...
...is that the movie version actually has a budget.
But instead of using it on mind-blowing special effects and high-tech wizardry,
they use it to go skydiving!
In fact, that's how the movie begins: with skydiving!
Like someone threw a whole bunch of money at the producers and they said:
"YEEHAW! We're goin' skydivin'!
Bring the camera along, I'm sure we'll fit it in the movie somehow!"
And as you probably would've guessed, it's an entirely pointless sequence.
Now the first thing you Power Ranger fans might have noticed is the change in cast.
In the film, we see there's a black girl and an Asian boy.
But wait a minute:
Wasn't there originally an Asian girl and a black boy?
Well, the problem with that is that the black boy was put in the black suit...
...and the Asian girl was put in the yellow suit.
*hiss*
Not very politico-correcto.
When the producers realized racial stereotyping isn't in at the moment, they got rid of the two actors,
saying there was an intergalactic unemployment line that needed waiting in,
and replaced them with the two you see now.
However, the two cast members that sadly remain the same are Bulk and Skull,
the supposed bullies of the group.
Which I always found kind of strange.
If they don't like the Power Rangers, and they're always picking on them,
why do they hang out with them all the time?
Kimberly: Hey, guys!
Huh?
Might wanna slip those on?
*wah-wah fail horn*
The story, or some semblance thereof, is centered around a space-traveling villain named Ivan Ooze,
who's just a little less annoying than Rita and Zedd, the Lucy and Ricky Ricardo of evil.
Finally, a REAL man!
*growls*
His plan is to hunt down and destroy the Power Rangers' intergalactic leader Zordon,
who, despite having all the powers of the universe,
still can't manage to sync up his voice with his lip movements.
Zordon: It is good to see you again, too!
Alpha: AYIYIYIYI!
Oh, and I forgot about his little assistant, Alpha.
The best way to describe him is, imagine C-3PO being even gayer than he already is.
I know that's hard to fathom, but that's pretty much what you get.
Things start heating up when Ooze starts destroying Zordon
for making him miss all the years of torment Earth has gone through.
The Black Plague!
The Spanish Inquisition!
...The Brady Bunch Reunion.
I gotta admit, that's kind of funny.
So Zordon's power is destroyed,
and he's slowly wasting away into a festering ball of nothingness.
But don't worry, that doesn't interrupt the Rangers' skydiving and rollerblading!
It does, however, take away their mighty morphin' powers.
THAT seems to get their attention.
Tommy: We may not have our powers, but we’re still the Power Rangers!
Mmm, I'm gonna disagree with you there, Tommy.
You see, being a Power Ranger implies that you have actual POWER.
So, WITHOUT power, you're just a plain old ranger.
And trust me, they're not very powerful.
Especially when trying to protect picnic baskets.
Alphabet [?] tells them that the only way to save Zordon is to find the Great Power,
that's located on a planet far, far away.
The Great Power? Well, what's that?
Where did it come from? How does it work?
Well, this movie has far too many action sequences to worry about tiny little things like plot.
However, it does take time to tap into our emotional sides.
Kimberly: Zordon, you can’t leave us!
Ever since you came into our lives, you've been like a father to us all.
Yes, I think we can agree that Zordon has been like a father figure to us all...
WHERE are these kids' parents?!?
I mean seriously, do they ever show up?
Are they so inattentive that they don't even know that
their kids are on another planet, fighting giant black chickens?
Do you think they even know that their kids are Power Rangers?
How do you miss something like that?
And just when you thought this movie couldn't get any lamer,
take a look at what pops up next.
*smack*
Discount Xena: I am Dulcea, master warrior of the planet Phaedos.
The planet WHAT?
Come on, you could find more convincing names in a Star Trek word jumble.
So apparently, she fights off the birds by swinging these two sticks together,
throwing them into some kind of hypnotic trance.
Yeah, how is that supposed to put you in a trance?
Just taking two sticks and swinging them up and down, up and down, up and down...
...up and down... up and down... up and down...
...up and down... up and down... up and down... up and down...
...up and down... up and down... up—
*THWACK*
You win this round, Dulcea!
So she tells them that they have to travel to a giant phallic symbol that apparently holds the Great Power.
To do that, she dresses them in fashionable burkas, and gives them the power of their new sacred animals.
Dulcea: You are the bear, fierce and unstoppable!
You are the wolf, cunning and swift!
Adam, what's wrong? -I'm a frog.
Yes, a frog! Like the one you kiss—
*smooch*
—to get a handsome prince.
What the hell is that?
Kissing is my superpower? You shittin' me?
They get the strength and the swift—I get KISSING?!?
What kind of bullshit is that?
*stammers* Don't let her get away with that!
Stand up for yourself, maggot!
'Ey! 'Ey bitch, get back here!
Where's my REAL superpower?
Hey! HEY!
HEEEEYY!!
Fuck this, man, I'm gonna go into anime.
So the Power Rangers set out on a spiritual and enlightening journey,
which I actually kinda like.
It's good to see these kids look inside themselves, and discover their true spiritual essence.
And what exactly do they learn on this journey of self-discovery?
NOTHING!
They kick some ass, and they get their powers back. That's it.
Bullshit!
That's like telling a kid the secret to enlightenment is punching somebody in the face.
Which isn't that bad an idea right now!
As always, the Power Rangers have a thrilling giant robot fight in the middle of the city.
The traditional toy robot models are replaced this time with CG replicas.
And I never thought I'd say this, but after watching this metallic diarrhea,
I think I actually prefer the toy robot models.
There's also a subplot about how Ivan Ooze hypnotizes all the parents in the city
and forces them to jump off a cliff.
I'm sympathizing with them at this point.
But don't worry, there's a little 12-year-old boy who knows how to operate a crane AND a monorail!
Where the hell did he pick THAT up?!
Was there a "How to Handle Heavy Machinery" class in grade school?
If so, how did I miss THAT class?
The battle eventually works itself up into outer space,
where the mother of all finishing blows is thrown.
*crunch*
DUDE! Did you just see that?
*no more babies*
EEE—!
Real good lesson for the kids, guys!
If you can't overcome your enemies, just kick 'em in the happy sack, and they'll go down like anyone else.
Top notch!
Upon hitting an asteroid, Ivan Ooze is destroyed, and the Power Rangers fly off to save Zordon.
But unfortunately, they're too late.
Zordon is gone.
If only they had gone to save him first,
instead of showing off their brand-new fighting moves and special effects.
If only.
If only...
Tommy: Remember what we learned?
To those who possess the Great Power...
...all things are possible.
No Tommy, no, that—that's crazy talk!
Come on!
Can it be?
Is it possible?
*gasps*
*maudlin triumphant music*
Wait a minute... *record scratch*
If the Great Power has the ability to do anything...
...couldn't they just use it to destroy Ivan Ooze in the first place?
THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE!!!
Nothing about the Power Rangers does!
How come the monsters always land in the exact same city?
How come the city turns into a canyon whenever the fight scene's about to happen?
How come nobody recognizes the Rangers even though they wear the exact same colors every day?
How come they always move like they have Tourette's syndrome?
How come Rita's voice never sounds right?
How come they dress up like NASCAR mannequins?
How come it's sunny in space?
How come Alpha's so gay?
How come Kimberly's so hot?
Why? Why? WHY???
I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
I remember it so you don't have to!
♪Go Go Power Rangers!♪
*Captions provided using transcript from Channel Awesome Wiki (and best guess from ears) as reference. NC rocks*
AND WHY IS THAT SONG SO DAMN CATCHY?!?