- My partner comes home
and I've got a long list of reasons to be mad.
I'm annoyed that he was late
to the doctors appointment for my two year old
that we waited three months to get.
I'm irritated because she didn't wake up in time
because she was up late scrolling on her phone.
Or I'm furious that he yelled at the kids this morning,
had a full blown tantrum of his own
when I was trying to hard to keep the peace.
When you're partners and parents together,
there are no end of stresses
that can create bad vibes between you.
Resentment can build up and irritation and competition
between us adults can make for a really shaky foundation
of a peaceful home but also for a really miserable,
stressful day to day existence together.
Plus, I know what it's like
when you're breast feeding all day,
co-sleeping, baby-wearing, serving kids all day,
and taking care of everybody's needs but your own
and when your partner gets home,
perhaps at the end of the day,
you feel like there's not room for one more person's needs
to take care of.
In the past, I've sometimes felt
like this was one more person demanding things of me
or needing things of me or one more place
where my energy needed to go
and I just didn't have any more left to give.
But the truth is our adult partnership, if we have one,
can and should be the source of radical energy,
of healing, of joy, and of connection.
Just as we get to create an intentional relationship
with our children based around the values
and the type of relationship that we most value and want,
so to do we get to intentionally create the type of vibe
and connection that we have in our adult relationship.
We get to create the type of home
that we want to be a part of.
So how do we create this connection with our partner
when we feel disconnected
or when we're stuck in a victim mindset
or resentment has already built up and we have a long list
of things that they're falling short on?
One of the things that I do when I feel like resentment
is building up and I'm just not connected with someone,
my partner, is that I strip down and go back to basics.
It's so fascinating but the way that we connect with babies,
and for most people, this happens naturally,
it's instinctual, we connect with babies
on this very visceral, sensual level
and the truth is that I believe that all humans
need that type of connection on a daily basis.
I find that when I need to connect with my baby,
with my eight year old, or with my husband,
we can come back to those very basic needs.
The first one is that we all need to be seen
as inherently good.
We call this holding someone's goodness to light.
Our partner or our teenager or our kid
might not be getting the benefit of feeling
like we see them as such a source of good in the world.
Like we see them as golden.
Like we love them on a really deep
but also on a superficial level, i.e. we like them as well.
We like it when they come home.
We like reconnecting with them.
We like having a meal with them
and we enjoy talking and getting to know them better
on a regular basis.
We remain curious about them.
Now babies command that kind of curiosity from us
and attention from us naturally.
Have you noticed how when there's a baby in the room,
all eyes get drawn to the baby, or to the cat.
(laughs)
But the point is that having that person look at you,
take interest in you, and hold your goodness to light
is a core basic need.
But one that we very often throw out the window
once people mature past babyhood.
So one of the things that works really well
is say we've been apart from our partner,
we've been out at work and we're finally coming home,
is notice how our facial expression and body language
communicates our excitement, our interest in seeing them.
You know, when you first fall in love with someone,
you have eyes for them only, right?
It's a phrase like that, having eyes for someone.
Having eyes only for you is a really core basic human need
in a way.
We want people to look at us, to take us in
and to truly see us but to see us from a place of goodness.
When we're feeling disconnected,
we get stuck in that critical eye
that's always testing and always looking and always,
"Ah, you didn't do this, you didn't do that,
"you're not good enough."
Can't we come back to that core basic need
that when our partner walks through the door,
when we reconnect, when we wake up in the morning,
we show them that we see the goodness in them.
The good thing about this and about all of these points
is that it's infectious.
When you see the goodness in the someone else,
they are more likely to see the goodness in you.
So put on those rose-tinted glasses
and catch them at their best.
Notice that they're doing so well.
Notice the inherent goodness and value and worth within them
and help them feel that acceptance
and that unconditional love.
Watch them rise to it.
The second thing that I take from how we connect with babies
is that sensual, physical, visceral way of connecting.
We touch babies, we stroke them, we hug them,
we cuddle them, we hold them, we nose them,
we make eye contact with them.
We're always physically actually connecting with them
and the needs for that do not go away
when someone turns two.
They actually stay throughout our lives
but most of us are touch starved
and eye contact starved as adults.
We use these senses
to convey a feeling of closeness and love
and again, this something we naturally do
when we've fallen in love with someone.
But we tend to forget it past babyhood
or if we're not in the passionate throws
of having just fallen in love.
We tend to forget it with our teens
and with our adult partners.
We all need a bit of lavish attention.
And in romantic adult partnerships,
that flirtation and sexual energy as well,
sometimes dries up when we're so busy with life.
But that's a tragic loss for everyone.
Connection is a bit of a chicken and an egg thing.
Those cuddles, that eye contact, that flirtation,
all of those actually chemically bond us
with our partner and create the connection that we seek.
So when you feel disconnected, try acting connected,
try using these kind of bonding mechanisms
of touch and eye contact and closeness
and see how the hormones just kick in
and the chemical bonding occurs making you feel connected
as a result.
Some of us go entire days without so much
as a peck on the cheek
and if this is you, how about a prescription
for long extended eye contact and 12 hugs a day minimum.
And finally, we all sometimes need to let off some steam,
to show our silly selves, to be more wild,
to be less held together and less responsible,
to take off our parent, doctor, worker, responsible hat,
whatever it is that you do and just be free.
We do this again naturally when we're in love.
We just kind of disconnect from the world
and play hooky for the day.
Or when we have a new baby.
We suddenly put all of our effort and energy
just in being present and enjoying ourselves together.
So how about bringing in some of that energy
into your partnership?
Change the atmosphere, put on some music
for a wild dance party, or get outside,
or have a fit of giggles and laugh until your sides hurt.
If there's tension and resentment building up between you,
how about we use some humor to diffuse it.
Just today I was pretty annoyed at my husband
and I said to him, "I'm not talking to you."
And it was half joke and half real
but at least it was a lightness
around the conflict that we were having.
Can you use playfulness and silliness
as you would in your parenting
to diffuse tensions in the relationship?
Not to mention, flirtation and intimacy
to change up the atmosphere and bond you closer.
The real truth is that a good vibrant connection
with our partner feeds us, energizes us, and nourishes us.
It's something you do for yourself
and for your family holistically
and of course for your partner as well.
It feels good to feel good.
Can we allow ourselves to step away from the competition,
the tit for tat, the counting who did what,
and instead step into a joy and radically healing,
energizing, vibrant energy within our relationship
just as you deserve to intentionally create the type
of connection that you seek with your kids,
so to you deserve to intentionally create the type
of connection you seek with your partner.
So, if this has spoken to you,
then maybe next time you see your partner,
try a little flirtation, eye contact, a silly joke,
a long embrace, a word of kindness
or some wild off-script moment
where you have a crazy dance party
or laugh until your sides hurt.
(light music)