Hello, world wide Internet. Madonna here.
My assistance told me that there's a recent trend where High School students are asking celebrities to prom.
At the risk of breaking the Internet, I'd like to let the world know...
I'm available to be asked to prom.
Let the invites commence.
No responses yet.
Did you plug the VHS into the Google?
We're filming it on digital, so it'll upload when we're finished.
Ah. That explains why I haven't received any responses yet.
Sorry, I'm getting some fuzz on the mic. I just need to adjust it here.
Should I just take everything off and start over?
No, I just gotta move it to the left a little bit.
– Okay, say something into it. – Something into it.
I want to speak in your microphone. Your flesh-colored microphone.
Oh, God, gross!
Sorry. Not sorry.
♫ Sorry, not sorry ♫
♫ The only thing I'm sorry for is that I'm not sorry ♫
♫ Take off your pants, let's have a party ♫
♫ You won't need a helmet when I ride you in this party ♫
That's on my new EP, "Citizen Bitch".
Most teenagers, I'm sure, will purchase it at Sam Goody.
Back to the video tape.
Don't think of it as going to your prom with a 56 year old woman.
Think of it as going to your prom with three 18 year-old girls all at once.
Oh, speaking of girls, this offer extend to you as well. We're not in the 90's anymore.
You can let your mom know I'll take good care of you.
Your mom is probably a very big fan.
[whispering] My mom's mom is a big fan of yours.
What's that, Matty? Can't hear you. Could you come closer?
– I said my mom's mom is... – What's that over there?
[spank] You need discipline. You've been bad, Matty.
From now on, I'm going to call you... "doormat".
♫ You can be my doormat, I can be your whore-mat ♫
♫ You can be a carpet, don't you wanna score, Matt? ♫
♫ [eletronic music]
Gross! You wrote a song about me?
Quiet, Doormat. Let us finish our art film.
Listen, boys, you don't wanna ask someone like Taylor Swift, Rihanna or Jennifer Lawrence. I mean, yuck. Right?
I can tell you first-hand, Taylor Swift is a terrible kisser.
I describe her kissing style as "close-lipped", "resistant".
Girls, don't even think about inviting Drake. He kisses like he's about to barf.
– No! No more songs! – We aren't. They just have to move me sometimes so I don't get bed sores.
– [groans] – Thank you, Manny. Thank you, Petty.
Whoa! [falls] Okay, all right. I'm fine. I said: loose knot on the cape. Leave me be.
– Proceed, Doormat. – Please stop calling me that.
– I apologize, Doormat. Let's kiss and make up. – I'm not gonna kiss you.
Oh, so I guess you don't want this back.
– Hey, that's my wallet! –You'll get it back when I get my smooch.
– Please, give it back. – One kiss won't kill you.
– Okay, if I do that, will you give it back? – Yes.
♫
[groans] What have you done to me?
♫ I suck the life out of you, I sucked it right out of you ♫
♫ I went down on your soul, now you're way too old for me ♫
♫
[Leave your Promposals for Madonna in the comment section. #MadonnaProm]
– Do I look younger? – Maybe you have like, one less crow's feet.
Give me a mirror so I can see.
Cape. Cape! [falls, glass breaking]
Goddamned knot.