So you got the kids back in school but how do you get your kids to study? That's
today at Live On Purpose TV.
So to start into this video, I think we need to have
a little conversation right up front about what your job is as a parent. So
think about that for just a minute. What is your job as a parent? Now I get a lot
of really great answers to this here in my office. Some parents will say, well,
it's to provide for my kids and to keep them safe and to make sure that they
have everything that they need and then it goes from there on to some really
kind of cool things like, well it's to help them be happy in life and to have a
successful experience in life and to become productive citizens who
contribute in meaningful ways. Isn't that awesome?
And yes, I think those are all great answers. I'm going to throw a little
wrench in it here and we're going to back up, okay. Your job as a parent is to
love them no matter what and even if. No matter what and even if. So we can play
the even if game if you want. Even if they're not productive citizens? Yes, your
job is still to love them. Even if they're incarcerated? Yes,
even if they're incarcerated. Even if they choose a lifestyle that I don't
agree with that violates our family values? Yes, even if they choose a
lifestyle you don't agree with and that violate your family values. Are we clear
about this? Your job as a parent is to love them no
matter what and even if. As you wrap your head around that then everything else I
can share with you is going to be a helpful tool and a resource. If you
forget about your job as a parent then everything I'm
sharing with you is no more than manipulation and psychological games.
I want to be clear about that because I feel this is so important for parents to
understand their job because you don't control all of those outcomes. To make
sure that they're happy, oh, that sounds really great and and I think it comes
from the best place in your heart but it's not within your control to make
sure that they're happy, to make sure that they pass school. I had a mom here
on my couch who said, "Oh, well what am I supposed to do then? Just let him
fail?" She meant about school and I'm thinking, really? You think you control
that? What do you mean let him fail? As if she could decide whether he does or he
doesn't and sometimes we intervene way too much as parents
because we think our job is to make sure that they don't fail. Now having said
that, I'm going to come back to that probably because that's really important
to me. Your job is to love them no matter what and even if so let's stay clear
about that. Now because we love them, we want them to be happy, right? Because we
love them. What do you want for the people you love? Why do you want them to be
happy? Because we love them, we want them to succeed in school. Why? Because their
life is better if they succeed in school. Sure, it's going to impact your life as a
parent but let's get out of the way, okay? This is not about you, this is about your
kids so how do I get my kid to study or to do their homework or to turn in their
assignments or perform well in school? Okay, let's do some strategizing there.
Why? Because we love them and we want their life to rock. Sure, our life will be
better but that's only peripheral, okay. That's secondary, don't get too focused
on this is about you or it reflects on you as a parent. If that's where you're
coming from, then we need to have another conversation.
Get out of the way, this is not about you, this is about your kid, okay. And because
you love them, you want them to succeed. I know I'm probably over emphasizing that
but that's how important it is, okay? Now let's go to the strategies because
we love them, we want them to have a great experience in life including being
successful in school. Think about your own experience, how important has it been
for you to learn to do the hard things now so that you can have an easier life
later on? Yeah, that's what we're talking about here.
So depending on your child's level of maturity. Now I did another video where I
gave you a model, we talked about three different stages of maturity, you can
link to it right up here and in that video, you learned to discern what stages
my child's on. This is important because what stage they're on is going to
determine what kind of strategy you're going to use to encourage them to do
their job. If they're on stage one, you're going to use consequences and
specifically the kind of consequences that don't require cooperation.
If they're on stage two, then you're going to use some communication along with
consequences to help encourage them to do what their job is. If they're on stage
three, you don't have to worry about it, they're just taking care of it and
you're observing from the sidelines so that's a really important thing to
review. Beyond that, here's what I'm thinking.. If you have a strong enough why,
you'll figure out the hell and this is true for you, it's also true for your
kids. Why should your kids go to school? Why should your kids do their homework?
Why should your kids turn in that assignment? If their only reason is
because mom's going to clobber me if I don't, that's not a strong enough why and
you're going to be having this for their entire school experience, okay?
Until they come up with a why. Once the kid has a why then that drives their
behavior, provided that they're mature enough to be there, that's why I wanted
to review that other video, now the why.. You know what? There's a story that
illustrates this really well and my friend, Art Coombs, who is a fabulous
author and leadership expert and speaker, shared this story with me. I'm going to let
him share that story with you. So as we help our kids to find or
identify their own why, it's not going to be the same one that we have, okay. So I
think that's important to notice. We have our own why about why our kids should
study, right? But that doesn't always translate over to them so
this is my friend, Art Coombs. Art is the author of Don't Just Manage Lead, which
has kind of a fun little quote there at the top by Paul H. Jenkins and that was
the decision either of us made but I really like the content and this one
Human Connection. Art is a really experienced almost sagely. - Yoda-ish.
- Yoda-ish. But Art, you shared a story with me about helping kids to find their own why,
would you just share that with our audience today? - Sure, I've got four children and
two of them are in junior high and my son is 14 years old and we're constantly
wrestling in our family with homework and in today's environment, you literally
can go on and you can see if they're missing assignments so a few
semesters go by and I'm saying, "Have you done your homework? Have you done your
homework?" And I'm getting yes, yes, it's all done, everything's good,
all taken care of but when the grades come out, obviously, - It would
seem otherwise. - Yes. There's other things happening. So anyway, my son and I are
having this constant sort of wrestling match
with why do we do our homework and for probably a year, I was trying to manage
him by saying go into your room, do your homework
and you're not coming out until this is done and managers love that, it's easy
way to deal with kids, it requires less effort and I was really all
about the who, where, when, how, - by when, how much, all the numbers - and all of a
sudden, it hit me and I was threatening, I was using threats, I would take away
iPhones or I resorted to bribes, I would pay them for good grades and we
- Disclaimer! We don't necessarily endorse threats at Live On Purpose TV. - Hey,
it's every parent, every parent does it. I'm going to take away, you can't
play football or you can't be on the wrestling team or you can't be in the
choir. I'm going to take away something you like, something you excel that, actually
and that's the sad part, I'm going to take it away. I'm going to take away your iPhone,
I'm going to take away your Xbox, I'm going to take away friends, I'm going to ground you
if you don't behave the way I want you to behave and to me that was
getting nowhere, absolutely nowhere. The the bribes and paying for grades, I think
helped a little bit but I still was not getting the results so all of a sudden,
it hit me I wasn't giving my son the why. And so late one night, I literally
went into his room and it was 2:00 a.m. - This is the middle of the night?
- Middle of the night and I said, "Kai, wake up." And he looked at me like I had three
heads and he said, "What are you talking about?" And I said, "Get up, I'm going to give
you the why." And he goes, "Dad, it's 2:00 a.m." and I said, "This will only take
about 15-20 minutes, come on, get up." and he got dressed and we drove down to
Walmart and I said, "Kai, I'm not trying to be disrespectful
or dis anybody. - Right, t's not what you're about. - It's not what I'm trying to
do here but I do want to give you a feeling of what will happen if you do
not study and you don't do your homework. I guarantee you, the individuals you are
going to see pushing the brooms and restocking the shelves did not in junior
high say when asked "what do you want to do when you grow up?" I promise you not
one of them said stock shelves at 2:00 a.m. in the morning but because
they made decisions early in their life, this is what they're limited to do.
Their options are here, these are individuals who chose not to do their
homework, I can promise you that." - And incidentally thankfully, that is
available. It's a legitimate option. - Yeah, and we walked
through the store and I said, "Kai, if this is what you want to do, I love you and I
hope you stock the shelves better than anybody else, I hope you really push
the broom with pride. - And as his dad, you love him no matter what and
even if? - I love you no matter what but my gut is telling me this
is not what you envision your life being like. My gut is telling me that you want
to own your own business, you want to be a consultant, you want to be a dynamic
cinematographer, you want to be a developer, there's so many things you
could do and this isn't one of them but you're on a path that leads you here."
He was quiet, we drove home, he was quiet all the way home and he said, "Dad, I'll
focus on my school better. I'll work harder." - He's not doing it for you?
- No, not doing it for me. I still think the bribes helped just a little bit. - Well
you know what? And I think the reason that's true is because we're getting
closer to providing a why that makes sense to
them. It's not about us, it's not about our why. - I do and I tried to tell him I
say, "Hey, in my job and I think in most everybody's job, if you do an
exceptional work, you get rewarded exceptionally. If I do mediocre work,
if I do what everyone else can do, I'm going to get paid like everyone else. If I
do poor work, I either don't get the job or I often sometimes can actually, it can
turn into a negative where people are now, it's going to
cost me. So, and we do that, well I have a certain amount that I pay my kids
for an A and then it drops radically for a B and it drops even more radically for
a C and then if that's D or an F, they pay me. - This is so powerful. Thank You, Art,
for sharing that story. I knew that that would fit in just really nicely as we're
talking about how do you get your kids to study or do anything else that really
requires their why, not our own. - I like to put the money so what they could earn if they
got straight A's? I stack it up into a 14 and 13
year old, it looks like a lot of money and I give it to
them and I say, this is yours, this is yours, you can have this.
This is what's on the table and then we put it in a box, we call the bank,
and then at the end of the semester, we have it, we give it up.
We reconcile the bank account. - According to the report. - According to the report
card. Now the unimportant thing is, I'm there
constantly saying "I will help you if you want straight A's. If you want
straight A's, although I'll help you, I won't do your homework but I will help
you every single night. If you want straight A's, we can do it, we can do it."
Didn't you love that story? When you have a strong enough why, you'll
figure out the how. If you're new here, please subscribe. We're having a lot of
fun at Live On Purpose TV.