♪♪
Sorry, I just can't take my eyes off you.
Isn't it crazy? It's like we're looking at --
It's a mirror. You are a mirror.
Do you wonder what it's like to be --
'Cause I'm wondering what it's like to be up there.
Aren't you wondering what it's like to be over here?
Because it's like looking in a mirror.
Yeah. You know what? Why don't you play?
You guys want Jameela to play over here? I'll host.
-No, really? -Let's go.
-Can you do that? -Let's go.
Whoa, get over here. Really? Really?
[ High-pitched British accent ] Welcome back
to "The Misery Index," the game where you can
make a fortune out of other people's misfortune.
I'm Joe-meela Jamil.
Now in this round I'll show you both the same event,
and you have to guess where it lands on The Misery Index.
Get it right and Bob's your Uncle,
you get 2,000 American dollars.
Whoever wins moves on to the chance
to win 30,000 American dollars.
[ Normal voice ] Jameela, how do you feel being in my spot?
I feel good.
I also really sympathize with you guys.
This is terrifying.
[ High-pitched British accent ] Okay. Let's get into the game.
Please, everyone direct your attention to the Traumatron,
where my old chum Q received the worst kind of tickle torture.
Q is definitely afraid of spiders.
Q should have never told us he's
deathly afraid of spiders. -Oh! This is horrible.
Alright, bud, the rules of the game are simple --
we're gonna put a spider on you and then every time you move
we're gonna put another spider on you.
Here we go.
No, no. Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God! -That's the size of a kitten.
Please stop, please stop, please stop.
Oh, I feel it crawling on me.
Aah! -Here comes his friend.
Murr: Aah! [ Chuckles nervously ]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
-God, get them off me. -Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God! -Oh, you moved your head again,
buddy, what are you doing?
Oh! -Oh, my God!
You have no idea what this looks like.
-Oh! -Ooh.
Yep.
Fun? Fun, Q?
No, not fun at all. I'm deathly afraid of spiders.
When it was done, the crew took me out for drinks afterwards.
It was horrible.
So, you're tortured with spiders
is absolutely cray?
Sal, didn't we do that same exact thing
with you and kittens?
-Yes, you did. -Yup.
-And you can step on a spider. -What kind of
cold, dead bastard doesn't like kittens?
I'm sorry, you're in my team now.
Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Sorry. Sorry. yeah.
-The first thing you say is... -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
...I'm a [British accent] cold, dead bastard.
Yeah, bastard.
[ Chuckles ] To Hell with kittens! Yuck!
Remember your three pillars.
How about -- What are they, Joe?
Yeah. [ Laughs ] They are physical pain.
What was the second one? Emotional, emotional --
[ Normal voice ] They gave me the wrong ones.
You can take the boy out of Long Island,
but you can't take Long Island out of the boy.
Emotional trauma...
[ Audience oohs, laughter ]
[ High-pitched British accent ] It's physical pain,
emotional trauma and long-term psychological impact.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Indistinct ]
[ Laughter ]
Now, for 2,000 American dollars,
talk it through and lock in where you think
you're tortured with spiders
lands on The Misery Index,
while I enjoy a spot of tea.
[ Laughs ] Oh, my God!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, how come I never get that?
Lock it in, get to playing.
Even if you don't have a phobia,
I think you're still scared.
The word "torture" is in the title.
Well, it has to be above 50. I think it's above 60.
-Okay. -Okay, we have to lock it in,
everyone. -You think it's there?
-Lock it up. -We're locked, we're locked.
We are locked. I think you got it. You did great.
Jolly good, everyone is locked in,
so let's see who wins and who can bugger off.
We got it. We got it.
Krystal, you said 39.
-We did. -We did, we --
-Yes, we did. -Oh my God.
And, Lily, you said...
-Oh! -...69.
Whoa! You guys are obsessed with 69 over there.
You guys got to let it go.
Quite a difference in opinions.
Yes. Okay, let's see what our shrinks said.
Sal: Let's go! 54 and up, baby!
Come on! Come on!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Krystal wins, which means we have to say ta-ta to Lily,
but Krystal is moving on where she'll be playing for $30,000,
right after this.