Here we are. Day 5 of our 5-day challenge how to get kids to listen
without yelling. -Our day 5 challenge is to build up the emotional bank
account by focusing on the relationship. -That's the objective for today.
And the mantra is going to sound really familiar. Hopefully. If you've been
watching this channel. If you're new to the channel,
this might sound new. My job is to love them no matter what and even if. That's
the mantra. Write it down. Repeat it several times today. My job is to love
them no matter what and even if. With that mantra rolling around in your mind,
today's challenge is to intentionally practice active listening with at least
2 people today. One of whom is your child. -And active listening. Let's
talk a little bit about that because that is not something that most of us
are very good at. We haven't had a lot of practice at doing that. So, let's talk
about active listening. -Well, you got 2 ears in one mouth. But usually we don't use
them in that proportion. And have that be a reminder for you. Your job with
active listening is to understand as accurately as possible what's being
shared with you. So, active listening. We'll also include a reflective element, okay?
Now, reflective listening it's kind of like holding up a mirror. Here's what I
just heard from you. And the active part means that you're not just
being quiet while you're waiting for your turn to talk. -I think that's what a
lot of people think listening is. You know? -The letters in the word silent are
exactly the same as in the word listen. And sometimes we think, "Well, just
being silent then is listening." No, it's not. If your mind is trying to come up
with rebuttals or with answers to or with refuting, then you're not actively
listening. Your goal is simply to understand. Listen for understanding.
Uh-huh. -Right. So, zip it, alright? Be silent. But in your mind you
have to clear some of the extra noise that sometimes gets in the way. -It's
important when you say to reflect back. You're going to say, "This is what I
understand you to be saying." I have found with kids that they kind of take it and
just keep going. They don't really... Maybe they have aren't that great at listening
either. And so, they just kind of keep going. And so you might have to pull them
back. "Let me make sure I understand. This is what you're saying." -Right. And then seek
confirmation. Don't stop... -Taking confirmation. -...until whoever you're
listening to is satisfied that you get it. And they'll give you some indicators
like, "Yeah." You know, your kid for example as as your teenager is trying to express
something that they're frustrated about. You got to turn off the parent brain
long enough to just get it. Just understand where they're coming from. And
then feed it back to them. "Okay, buddy. So, you're saying that you're just so
frustrated with your teacher at school right now because it's not fair the way
that she's been treating you on these assignments. Is that what you're saying?"
And then wait for him to confirm. "Yeah. Thanks for listening." Okay? That's
when you know that you can move forward with other parts of the communication.
But the challenge today is simply to do that twice. Once with your child, now the
other time could be with one of your kids too. Or it could be with a spouse or
it could be with a friend or with anybody else in your world. -Today's
challenge actually is a two-part challenge. -Yeah. -First part is the act of
listening. The second part is do something fun with your child. Just for
fun. Remember we talked about in order to really be seen as a parent with
any type of authority, you have to be seen as a provider of good things and
good times as well as someone who can set and enforce limits. -Right. -And we're
going to talk today about that just for fun. -Now, sometimes it will pick
up fun activity in order to occupy the kids so that you can do something else.
That's not what I'm talking about. You connect with them. Engage with them, play
with them. -It can be so simple especially if we've gotten pretty
used to putting them on autopilot while we try to do something. Just getting
involved, getting on the floor or get playing a game with them. Playing a video
game. Even if you're not very good at it. -Yes. -Do something fun with them. -You know
what? We talked about how this is important for kids. This is important for
parents too. If we're not having fun, we're doing something wrong. The fun and
the active listening is all for today's objective to build up that emotional
bank account. And I think it's probably important to at least quickly review
that you're going to do this a little differently with each of your kids
depending on what stage of moral development they're at presenting to you.
Now, if you're not familiar already with the stages, this is something we talked
about extensively in the Parenting Power-Up program in the positive
parenting groups that we're running in the coaching that we're providing. This
is really the core of the curriculum for you as a positive parent. If you haven't
connected to that yet, please consider connecting with one of those resources
that I just shared with you. Here's a quick overview of how to build the
emotional bank account at each of the 3 stages. Remember at stage one, you
don't get any cooperation. You've got a lot of defiance, you've got acting out,
you've got yelling and screaming. And you don't get to choose what stage your kids
are at. So, to build the emotional bank account when your child is on stage 1,
you as a parent need to disengage emotionally from the misbehavior. And you
have to get really good at applying consequences with a calm voice and face
and body. This is going to help you strategically in the discipline aspects.
But what we're talking about here is building the emotional bank account. What
we're doing is separating all of the emotional energy from the misbehavior so
that they can see you as someone who is able to set and enforce appropriate
limits. And like we talked about in the second part of the challenge. You're seen
as a provider of a good times and good things. If you need help with that,
there's health available. But you got to get good at the consequences while
remaining calm. -Building the emotional bank account at stage 2 is really more
of expressing appreciation for the cooperation that you're getting. -And for
their willingness to work with you to come up with a win-win solution. -That
win-win solution is so important to learn how to do. We're going to be doing
that the rest of our lives. So, you appreciate. You show them they're your
appreciation that they're willing to try. -And that's really a great way to
reinforce their gaining of emotional maturity as you build that emotional
bank account at stage 2. Stage 3 is fun. -Yeah. -Because at stage 3 there's a lot of
self-control and self-discipline. You as a parent get to back off a little bit. In
fact, that's the best way to build the emotional bank account at stage 3, is to
back off. Get out of their way. Stop micromanaging everything. They've got
that level of maturity. Empower them to run with it. There you have it. That's
5 days of the challenge to get kids to listen without yelling. I hope you
found this helpful. Please share it with another parent or 2 or 3 that you
think can benefit from this as well. And remember we've got corresponding posts
over on Instagram where you can share your experience. We can interact with
each other and see how it's going.