(audience chattering)
(audience cheering)
- I've got a lot of time to make up for
in my gay journey through life.
Because one of the things that I feel honestly,
I missed out on when I was younger,
was just being able to share my feelings about boys
with the people in my life.
'Cause it was always this shameful secret,
it was just bubbling on the inside, all the angst.
So today I thought let's just make up for lost time.
I would like to lay out a timeline
of my complete emotional romantic journey
in the "Ultimate Dan's Gay Crush Tier List."
(audience cheering) Ooh, yes!
If you don't know how this works,
we've got A to F is like school grades,
S is the top shelf, F is the bottom,
S is the best of the best.
I am gonna go from my first ever feelings,
to my current degenerate fantasies,
and you all get to judge my taste level.
But this isn't about what you think,
this is about how compatible they would be with me,
and whether, "oh, I thought I have a crush on them."
Is it a good idea? No.
So, are you ready?
- [Audience] Yes. - Okay.
First up, Aladdin.
(audience cheering)
Okay, taste, taste.
The whole thing with all the Disney things,
is did I enjoy this as Disney intended,
putting myself in Aladdin's shoes next to Jasmine?
No, no, I wanted to be Jasmine
on the magic carpet with Aladdin.
Obviously there's pre and post lamp Aladdin,
'cause post lamp, S easy.
but hey, what are we working with?
We got Fez, monkey.
He would steal bread for you.
Okay, that's someone you can count on.
What would you give Aladdin
- [Audience] S. - S? Okay, okay.
We need to leave room for S.
Strong A for Aladdin.
Good start, okay.
Next Up, Tigger.
(audience laughs)
Whoa, no, no, no, no!
Oi, shut up.
It's romantic, this is just about young feelings.
I watched a lot of "Winnie The Pooh" as a kid,
and "The Hundred Acre Woods" is a scary place.
They got Heffalumps, Woozles, you know, some, Rabbit.
And maybe it was my furry awakening, we'll never know.
But let's think about it.
He's kind, he's positive, bouncy, he's got a hard tail.
That's always quite enjoyable.
(audience groans)
Oi I dunno what you're saying there.
What would you give Tigger?
(audience yells out letters)
C? Whoa!
Kick him out.
No, that's fine, I'll give him a B for bouncy.
Okay, next. Crash Bandicoot.
(audience yells)
Whoa, um, I thought this was a place of acceptance hello.
Guys, it's anthro, anthropomorphic,
he's wearing trousers, he's not an animal, okay?
Well, no, he is literally just a bandicoot isn't he?
There's no other way. Okay.
But he's wearing shoes, dogs can't wear shoes.
(audience laughs)
No, wait, dogs can wear shoes and trousers.
Okay, no, bipedal, that's it!
If it stands on two legs, you can fuck it.
That's the rule, that's how it works.
No, that's how it works.
Dan Howell, 2022:
You can fuck penguins, that's what I'm saying.
Uh, let's give him B for Bandicoot.
Okay, yes, my knight in shining armor.
When I was younger I went to one of those
Renaissance Fair things,
you know where they do medieval re-enactments,
and they had a jousting display.
And I was there, I was like 11 or something,
stood at the end of the field.
This guy finished an epic joust, you know?
He pulled off his helmet,
and it was a teen boy with long blonde hair,
and he rode past me, helmet in his arm,
and just looked at me with his hair blowing in the wind.
And that is what turned me gay, that moment.
Honestly, I was so spell bound
that I thought about him for months, for years.
But, how do we feel about
the knight in shining armor trope?
Are we kind of over that as a society?
We don't need them to save us.
Also athletic.
No, definitely C. It's a C.
Next, Bradley from S club.
(audience cheering)
If any Americans are watching this,
Goated pop group, okay, you had to be there.
Bradley, he can swing apparently,
he could sing, break dance, act.
Quadruple threat.
What would you give Bradley from S club?
- [Audience] S.
- S again? You with the S.
Simp, that's S for simp for all of you.
I mean, he's way too cool, I'm a disgusting nerd.
It's not about him, it's about me.
And for me, it's a B.
Snape.
(audience cheering and laughing)
Mixed.
A lot of people are like, huh,
and lot of people are like, yeah.
Not Professor Snape, young angsty Snape
from "The Half Blood Prince."
Okay, you get me?
'Cause when I read that I was angsty as fuck,
okay, you don't understand.
And I was just thinking,
"what if I was at school with young Snape."
And this wasn't one of those situations where I was like,
"he's so dark, I could save him."
No. If I was with him, it would be toxic as fuck.
It would be a dark, we would spiral dramatically,
I would become a Death Eater unironically,
it would be a complete disaster.
So I know you all like it,
but no, this is for me, and it is a D.
Next, we have Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman
from "Moulin Rouge."
Now, some boys said, "my favorite movie's 'Jurassic Park.'"
I was like, "I like 'Moulin Rouge.'"
Gay, gay, gay.
Should have saw that coming, shouldn't I?
But this isn't Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman,
'cause I know some lesbians here are probably like "Nicole."
(audience cheering)
No, it's Satine and Christian.
Right, this guy, he was a mess, okay?
He had no career prospects, he was useless.
Honestly, I'm gonna give him a C for Christian.
And Satine, she had creepy British men trying to kill her,
that would not be fun.
I'll give her a C for consumption.
Okay, next we have Titus.
(audience cheering)
Oh yeah, you know him?
He's the protagonist from a game called "Final Fantasy X,"
He is a sports star from another dimension,
that was then made to save the world.
Cringe, I know.
But, underwater football player and me?
I thought he was hot, but let's be honest,
he would bully me.
If we went to school together, he'd be like, "what is that?"
He would spit on me, I would cry,
and I would still love him.
But, no I don't think that's happening.
I'll give him a B for Blitz Ball.
And, wait, there was someone else in this game.
There was a character called Lulu,
who, as you can see,
was literally the dream big titty goth girlfriend, okay.
And she was, she's got the strap.
Like, you can see about 15 of them in her dress.
I am confused by her to this day.
She could throw a fireball at me,
and I'd be like, "thank you, do it again, I'm feeling it."
That is a strong S (audience cheering)
Not just pandering to the lesbians, that is actually taste.
But that wasn't it,
there was someone else in this game.
There was like a bodyguard for a summoner,
he was called Kimahri.
And wait, wait, I will bring you around, okay.
Because look at how this guy was introduced in the game:
(dramatic music plays)
(Kimahri roars)
Fuck yeah.
God I'm so fucking hard right now, that's amazing.
So I'll give them an A for furry awakening.
Next, Troy Bolton.
(audience cheering)
Specifically, "High School Musical Two."
They say you can't generalize,
there's no such thing as a gay test,
there is such thing as a gay test.
The test is, you ask someone
what their favorite "High School Musical" is,
if they say one, straight, if they say two, gay, that's it.
Who's the best character?
Gabriela, no Sharpay, yes.
(audience cheering)
Also correct.
But, hmm, think about it, for me, again.
Would he really be my friend?
He wouldn't talk to me,
I would just be crying in the corner somewhere.
He plays golf, he wears Polo shirts,
we have nothing in common.
I'm just gonna give him a D tier.
This isn't about him, it's about me.
D for, Dan is depressed.
Next one.
The first boy that I ever had a crush on.
This was in my school, I was like 13.
And we were friends, until one day I was like,
"I want more from this."
He broke my heart, I thought I was actually in love.
I thought I was, I wasn't,
he was just the first person I knew,
and therefore I was like, "this must be love."
If you don't know the story,
basically he ghosted me for three years,
and then later I found out
that he was actually gay the whole time,
but told everyone I knew not to tell me,
because I was cringe.
(audience laughs)
True story.
People are saying F, okay, wow.
Dan Howell defense force.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
We need to save F for something truly degenerate,
you don't know how low this can go.
I'll put him in D, I don't hate him, it's my fault.
I should have been less annoying.
Next we have Keanu Reeves.
Okay, now this might be an overrated opinion,
but think about it.
He gave us Speed, he gave us Neo,
he was in "Bill and Ted," and he is nice apparently.
What are we gonna give Keanu?
- [Audience] S.
- You know what? Fuck yeah.
Straight to S with Keanu Reeves.
(audience cheering)
And I will attempt to kick you in the chin
if you have a problem with that.
Gerard Way.
(audience cheering)
You have no idea how fucking emo I was, okay?
Someone said S plus, we need a new tier for Gerard Way.
I was a mess when I was 14, and this guy, he came.
I sat there with socks on my arm,
I was singing "I'm Not Okay"
into my fat CRT monitor, looking on MySpace.
His music saved my life.
He occasionally kissed boys, and he was a vision.
But before you get too excited, he's kind of short,
so I'll put him on the second shelf.
I'll give him an A, I'll give him an A.
He can't reach S, he can't reach S it's fine.
Charlieissocoollike.
(audience cheering)
If you don't know, the OG British YouTuber.
I've been in love with him for about 15 years.
He knows this.
Very clear, there is an open invitation there,
if he wants to just get married
and just go off somewhere in Canada.
Hi, I'll get on the flight anytime.
But, think about it.
This is the guy that made the video "I'm scared."
That made me such a neurotic fuck on YouTube, okay?
He is so reclusive that if me and him got together,
we'd fucking fade out of existence.
(audience laughs)
We'd kiss and then just go "huh."
We'd get Thanosed instantly.
So nothing personal, it's a C,
because some people are just not meant to be, okay.
Evan Peters.
(audience cheering)
We could just do as a person, but this is a gay thing,
so we're gonna do every character
from "American Horror Story."
Okay, I know you had your Hot Topic moment, but F okay.
"Asylum," B for butts. "Coven," C for Corpse.
"Freak Show," if you know, you know, A.
(audience laughs) Okay.
"Hotel," now there's gonna be a D.
"Roanoke," C. And then that F plus.
Right, but Evan himself, what are we thinking?
- [Audience] S.
- Beautiful eruptions of parseltongue
from the audience tonight.
J.K. Rowling would be so offended
to see what her fans have done with the place.
It's an S.
Okay, see, this is going well.
I thought I lost you for a minute with the weird ones there,
but we brought it back.
Zabivaka.
(audience laughing)
If you don't know, this was Russia's attempt
at making a non-game mascot
for their FIFA world cup in 2018.
And the moment they released this heterosexual mascot,
you know what the artists did on the internet?
(audience laughing)
Oh yeah, they did.
Okay, there is a lot going on with that.
We do not have time to unpack this,
and clearly he's packing something else
on that one on the left there.
Uwu, what's this? I've noticed something.
But as amazingly erotic as he is,
he's a football mascot.
I'll give him a B for balls, it's only fair enough.
Right, Manny Jacinto.
(audience cheering) Do you know who he is?
Yeah, from "The Good Place."
There are some people in life that are just disgusting,
because they are so perfect
It makes you feel like a slug,
just a disgusting worthless slime
every time they're on screen.
And that's him, okay.
He can dance, he can act, he has jaw bones
that could cut the universe in half
and destroy instantly at any moment.
What are we thinking?
- [Audience] S.
- S? Maybe.
But for me, I'm gonna give him, hmm.
I'll give him an A, that's good, it's good.
The Red M&M.
- [Audience member] The green one!
- You don't see it?
The green one?
(audience chattering)
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So you're like, "not the red M&M,
but the green one, hell yeah, hell yeah."
Do you not see there's a certain arrogance
that's kind of hot?
You kind of, you just wanna be, like,
shouted out by the red M&M sometimes.
Just me?
Also, do they eat M&Ms in the adverts for M&Ms?
Are they cannibals?
I also feel like he probably voted for Trump,
I don't know why I'm getting that energy.
Is this as bad as it gets?
I'm feeling, okay.
We have our first F people! (audience cheering)
Get the fuck down there, red M&M.
Okay, but no more weird ones, I promise.
The AstraZeneca logo.
(audience laughing)
Just me?
Whoa, whoa, do you not see
the inherent sexual energy of the Astrazeneca?
That is clearly a man, assuming some kind of position.
No? I was watching these news and I was like,
"damn, I need to go in the other room."
Well, you know, this is about me not you,
and I'm feeling very homophobically attacked.
That is an A for me, I'm just gonna say.
And now we have a category
which is about a philosophical question.
Which is, if you had a clone of yourself
in front of you, would you fuck?
- [Audience] Yes.
- One "no," and a lot of people are like,
"yes, I've thought about this."
It's good. (audience laughing)
So, I present a trio of people
that have regularly been compared to me.
Anthony Padilla, Liam Payne, and Wilbur Soot.
So first up is Anthony.
Not to be weird, Anthony Padilla is sat right there.
Hi, Anthony, this is not weird.
This is not about you, this is about me, okay?
So this, (stuttering) this is not weird.
We're being objective, let's think about it.
Right, talented, successful.
Yeah, but like, Anthony, he does exercise.
What the fuck?
Also, we have the same hair,
and instead of desperately trying to cover it up,
he's embraced the curls,
and has done something with it successfully.
(audience cheering)
So Anthony's basically just the
genetically superior version of me.
What did we. Are we compatible?
What did we do the last time we hung out?
We ate burritos and got high, do you remember?
That was it.
It wasn't Gay.
(audience laughing)
Let's Anthony an A, there you go.
Good for you Anthony, okay.
(audience cheering)
He did it, he did it. Sit down, sit down, thank you.
A for ally.
Liam Payne, how do we feel?
(audience shouting)
Y'all mother fuckers are trying to drag me
into some mess right now,
you're trying to get me killed in the streets?
Okay, no, I'm just doing this
because people said we kind of look similar.
Look, we all have bad weeks, okay?
If he pushed me up against a wall
and said he'd break my hand, I'd be like, "okay, Liam."
You can break my other hand and my leg
and I'm okay with that.
But, it's kinda, okay, D tier, move on.
Right, Wilbur Soot.
(audience cheering) Okay, yeah.
Very popular right now,
got the whole Minecraft thing going.
Also music, very talented.
But are we compatible?
I don't play Minecraft,
and that's like 90% of the iceberg isn't it?
I don't wanna start a drama
with the equally terrifying Minecraft community.
I'll give him a B for block.
There we go, okay.
And lastly, I need you to support me on this,
'cause this is the end, okay?
So no matter what I say, you have to support me
because this is about me being valid
at the end of pride month, okay?
Mr. Pringle.
(audience laughing)
No, no, shut up, okay?
Right, I have had it with you people.
You do not get to sit there and judge me,
this is a safe space for me.
I would explore his tube,
and there is nothing that you can do about it.
(audience yelling)
Watch me fucking leave.
His mustache would tickle you in all the right places.
(audience yelling)
Also, free Pringles, it's a fucking S, I don't care.
(audience cheering)
This is authentically me whether you like it or not,
and I bet you regret coming here, but it is too late.
You have enabled me, you have created a monster
and now I am once more released into the world.
I am Dan, and I am now free.
This is your problem.
Okay, bye.
(audience cheering)
I apologize for nothing.
(scary music plays)