WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STILL?
AM I STILL THE HOST?
I'M STILL THE HOST!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, FOLKS, IF YOU SAW MY
MONOLOGUE MONDAY, YOU KNOW THAT I WAS A LITTLE UPSET WITH DONALD
TRUMP FOR INSULTING A FRIEND OF MINE.
SO AT THE END OF THAT MONOLOGUE I HAD A FEW CHOICE INSULTS FOR
THE PRESIDENT IN RETURN.
I DON'T REGRET THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I BELIEVE HE CAN TAKE CARE OF
HIMSELF.
I HAVE JOKES.
HE HAS THE LAUNCH CODES.
SO IT'S A FAIR FIGHT.
SO WHILE I WOULD DO IT AGAIN, I WOULD CHANGE A FEW WORDS THAT
WERE CRUDER THAN THEY NEEDED TO BE.
NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO REPEAT THE PHRASE, BUT I JUST WANT TO
SAY, FOR THE RECORD, LIFE IS SHORT, AND ANYONE WHO EXPRESSES
THEIR LOVE FOR ANOTHER PERSON IN THEIR OWN WAY IS, TO ME, AN
AMERICAN HERO.
AND I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE ON THAT.
I HOPE EVEN THE PRESIDENT AND I CAN AGREE ON THAT.
NOTHING ELSE, BUT THAT.
AND FOR ONCE, FOR ONCE, THE BIG STORY TODAY IS NOT DONALD TRUMP.
IT'S WHY WE HAVE DONALD TRUMP: JAMES COMEY.
THE FBI DIRECTOR SPENT THE WHOLE DAY TESTIFYING BEFORE THE
SENATE.
YOU GUYS REMEMBER JUST BEFORE THE ELECTION COMEY ANNOUNCED THE
F.B.I. WAS RE-OPENING THE INVESTIGATION INTO HILLARY'S
EMAILS?
HILLARY REMEMBERS, TOO.
AND YESTERDAY, SHE PROVED IT.
>> I WAS ON THE WAY TO WINNING UNTIL THE COMBINATION OF JIM
COMEY'S LETTER ON OCTOBER 28 AND RUSSIAN WIKILEAKS RAISED DOUBTS
IN THE MINDS OF PEOPLE WHO WERE INCLINED TO VOTE FOR ME.
YOU KNOW, IF THE ELECTION HAD BEEN ON OCTOBER 27, I'D BE YOUR
PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: YES, SHE'D BE OUR PRESIDENT.
AND INSTEAD OF HALF THE COUNTRY DEPRESSED AND THE OTHER HALF
GLOATING, WE'D HAVE HALF THE COUNTRY GLOATING AND THE OTHER
HALF DEPRESSED.
TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
NOW, IN HIS TESTIMONY TODAY.
HE WAS IN TESTIMONY ALL DAY.
HE HAD THE EZ-PASS.
COMEY EXPLAINED THAT HE UNDERSTOOD THE IMPACT OF HIS
ACTIONS.
>> I HAVE LIVED MY ENTIRE CAREER BY THE TRADITION IF YOU CAN
POSSIBLY AVOID IT, YOU AVOID ANY ACTION IN THE RUN-UP TO AN
ELECTION THAT MIGHT HAVE AN IMPACT, WHETHER IT'S A DOG
CATCHER ELECTION OR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: HE SHOULD HAVE STUCK WITH DOG CATCHER.
BECAUSE WE KNOW THEY DON'T GRAB PUSSIES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CAT.
CAT.
♪ COLD-BLOODED ♪ >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU-- WHAT
DO YOU?
NOW, COMEY EXPLAINED HIS AGONIZING DECISION ON SECRETARY
CLINTON'S EMAILS.
>> BUT I SAT THERE THAT MORNING, AND I COULD NOT SEE A DOOR
LABELLED "NO ACTION HERE."
I COULD SEE TWO DOORS, AND THEY WERE BOTH ACTIONS.
ONE WAS LABELLED "SPEAK."
THE OTHER WAS LABELLED "CONCEAL."
>> Stephen: WAIT, SO IT WAS LIKE ONE OF THOSE RESTAURANTS THAT
TRIES TO BE TOO CLEVER WITH THE BATHROOM SIGNS.
"LET'S SEE, 'SPEAK' OR 'CONCEAL'...
MEN SPEAK, BUT WOMEN DO ALSO.
WOMEN WEAR CONCEALER, BUT MEN CONCEAL THEIR FEELINGS.
OH, I GIVE UP.
I'LL JUST PEE IN THE RAW BAR."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, TO COMEY, TO COMEY, THERE
WAS NO GOOD OPTION.
>> SO I STARED AT "SPEAK" AND "CONCEAL."
SPEAK WOULD BE REALLY BAD.
THERE'S AN ELECTION IN 11 DAYS.
LORDY, THAT WOULD BE REALLY BAD.
CONCEALING, IN MY VIEW, WOULD BE CATASTROPHIC.
>> Stephen: LORDY!
( LAUGHTER ) LORDY, LORDY.
SO HE HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN "REALLY BAD" AND "CATASTROPHIC,"
THE SAME THINGS THE VOTERS HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY!
YAY!
NO GOOD CHOICES!
AND HE MADE THE DECISION TO REVEAL THE INVESTIGATION, EVEN
THOUGH HE DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO INTERFERE IN THE PROCESS.
>> THIS WAS TERRIBLE.
IT MAKES ME MILDLY NAUSEOUS TO THINK THAT WE MIGHT HAVE HAD
IMPACT ON THE ELECTION.
>> Stephen: "MILDY NAUSEOUS" ( LAUGHTER )
MAYBE IT'S MORNING SICKNESS.
AFTER ALL, YOU DID SCREW THE WHOLE COUNTRY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, REVEALING--
( APPLAUSE ) TAKE YOUR FOLIC ACID.
TAKE YOUR FOLIC ACID.
NOW, REVEALING THE INVESTIGATION WAS A TOUGH CALL, BUT COMEY SAYS
HE STANDS BY IT.
>> BUT, HONESTLY, IT WOULDN'T CHANGE THE DECISION.
EVERYBODY WHO DISAGREES WITH ME HAS TO COME BACK TO OCTOBER 28
WITH ME.
>> Stephen: CAN I GO?
CAN I GO!
I JUST WANT-- I JUST WANT TO FEEL AGAIN!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IN THE END, IN THE END, HE
HAS NO REGRETS.
>> THE HONEST ANSWER IS NO.
I HAVE ASKED MYSELF THAT A MILLION TIMES BECAUSE, LORDY,
THIS HAS BEEN PAINFUL.
>> Stephen: YES, JAMES, IT HAS BEEN PAINFUL.
BUT I GUESS THE LORDY WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
LORDY.
NOW ANOTHER GUY-- I FEEL FOR HIM A LITTLE BIT.
I FEEL FOR HIM A LITTLE BIT.
>> Jon: YEAR FEELING IT.
>> Stephen: ANOTHER GUY WHO'S TAKING QUESTIONS IN WASHINGTON
TODAY WAS PRESS SECRETARY AND DAD BAICIAL HOLDING IT TOGETHER
IN THE SIX FLAGS GIFT SHOP, SEAN SPIERS.
STRANGELY, HE TOOK QUESTIONS TODAY.
STRANGELY, YESTERDAY, HE DIDN'T TAKE ANY QUESTIONS.
HE WATCHED MICK MULVANEY SPEAK ABOUT BUDGET NEGOTIATIONS AND
THEN JUST BOLTED.
>> SEAN!
>> COME ON, SEAN!
>> Stephen: SEAN, I KNOW IT'S CALLED A BRIEFING, BUT THAT
WAS THE BRIEF-EST.
YOU'VE GOT TO STAY.
YOU'RE THE PRESS SECRETARY.
AMERICA'S TUNING IN TO THE "SPICER POWER HOUR."
YOU CAN'T PUT UP O.M.B.
DIRECTOR MICK MULVANEY.
THAT GUY'S CLEARLY JUST AN OPENING ACT.
IT SAYS RIGHT HERE ON YOUR TOUR POSTER.
"SEAN SPICER, FEATURING THE MICK MULVANEY EXPERIENCE."
YOU'RE THE HEADLINER.
"ALL SEATS RESERVED."
THE GUY CAN JUMP.
GOT LEGS.
NOW THAT AUDIENCE THERE, THE PRESS, THEY WERE SCREAMING FOR
AN ENCORE SO SPICER WOULD COME OUT AND PLAY THE HITS: PLAY--
( LAUGHTER ) PLAY "LARGEST INAUGURATION CROWD
IN HISTORY!" WOOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PLAY "I'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO
YOU ON THAT!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MISPRONOUNCE SOMETHING!
WOOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M NOT PUTTING THAT BACK IN MY
POCKET.
THAT IS SUPER HOT RIGHT NOW.
THERE YOU GO.
BOOM!
LET'S SEE, DONALD TRUMP-- THIS IS NEWS WITH HIM.
DONALD TRUMP IS STILL TRYING TO REPEAL AND REPLACE OBAMACARE.
>> Audience: BOO!
HE DOESN'T HAVE THE VOTES.
BUT, THEN AGAIN, THAT'S HOW HE GOT ELECTED.
WE STILL DON'T KNOW, STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
BUT REPUBLICAN LEADERSHIP IN THE HOUSE IS TRYING TO RALLY THE
TROOPS.
TAKE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER AN HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR VOTED SADDEST
EYES.
HE PLEADED WITH HIS FELLOW REPUBLICANS TO PASS THE BILL,
SAYING, "NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO DECIDE WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO DO
IT.
NOW IS THE TIME TO DO IT."
YES, ACT NOW AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER, LIKE "WHAT DID WE JUST
DO?" AND, "WHY THE HELL DID WE DO
THAT?" THE CURRENT HANGUP IS THAT,
UNDER THE NEW BILL, STATES COULD OPT OUT OF PROTECTING PEOPLE
WITH PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS.
AND A LOT OF MODERATE REPUBLICANS DON'T LIKE THAT.
BUT NORTH CAROLINA REPRESENTATIVE AND NORWEGIAN MAN
PRETENDING HE UNDERSTANDS ENGLISH, ROBERT PITTENGER HAS A
SOLUTION.
PETTINGER EXPLAINS THAT IF YOU HAVE A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION
THAT YOUR STATE WON'T COVER, "PEOPLE CAN GO TO THE STATE THEY
WANT TO LIVE IN."
"HEY, KIDS, DAD'S GOT PANCREATITIS.
ROAD TRIP!" AND THIS IS GOING TO BE A REAL
BOON FOR STATE TOURISM.
LOOK FORWARD TO SIGNS LIKE: "VIRGINIA IS FOR LIVERS."
"I HEART TRANSPLANT NEW YORK."
AND "COME GET AN ALABAMPUTATION!"
AND, OF COURSE, FLORIDA'S NEW SLOGAN, "WE HAVE PAINKILLERS.
WAIT, ARE YOU A COP?" ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT INCLUDING PUPPIES!
PUPPIES.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL SIT DOWN WITH JIM PARSONS.
STICK AROUND!