Even if
you've just met
the perfect woman for you
if you get this wrong
it may be one of the reasons
why your relationship
is doomed to fail.
The good news is
if she is a true keeper
what you're about to learn
will help you avoid losing her
or mistakenly
panting a good one.
And if you're already
in a relationship that's on the rocks
you'll learn what you can do to save it.
Because the reality is
the reasons for why your relationship is doomed to fail
may surprise you.
Welcome to just the tip.
Okay, so her personality
might be perfect for you
but if your temperaments don't align
it might be one of the main reasons
why your relationship is doomed to fail.
So, your personality
is about who you are
whereas your temperament is about
how you express who you are in the world.
In other words, it's our behaviors in the world.
For example,
she's a passionate woman
describes her personality
whereas she's easily triggered
or flies off the handle easily
or is quick to anger
is about her temperament.
Now the differences between
personality and temperament
aren't as important as how
differences in temperament
affect intimate relationships
especially if your temperaments
are quite opposite.
So, for example,
you may both think
that financial responsibility
is a good thing
but how you express that in the real world
could be very different.
Stick with me it's going to get
less complicated I promise.
So, according to Dr. Steven Stosny
I think I got that right
he's the author of a book called
Empowered Love and he's an expert
in conflict management and anger in relationships.
He dealt with over 6,000 clients.
He says that
temperament clashes
start to show up within about 10 months
of a couple living together
and escalate to
crisis levels by the second year.
And if a couple can't figure out
how to manage their differences in temperament
they usually split up by year four.
Now, what happens if
what happens.
What happens if
you're not actually living together?
Well, it tends to take
a little longer to discover
how your differences in temperament
affect the relationship because initially
when you're dating you're in the honeymoon stage
and there's this chemical concoction
of feel-good endorphins
that are running through your system,
which act like a drug
and make you kind of look at your partner
with rosy colored glasses
ignoring those differences
that you really should be paying attention to.
But here's the thing.
Even if you are really right for each other
if you don't learn how to navigate
your differences in temperament
your relationship could be doomed.
Now, there's good news and there's other good news
sort of.
While our personalities tend to
evolve in our lifetime
our temperaments tend to stick with us.
That's not to say you can't overcome
certain temperamental
traits within yourself
or someone else
that are not actually serving you or others.
And what makes
intimate relationships difficult
and potentially is one of the reasons why
your relationship is doomed to fail
is when you choose a partner
with a vastly different
or seemingly opposite
temperament than your own
especially when it comes to conflict management.
Example, when you're stressed,
angry, or frustrated
whether it's at your partner
or out in the world
maybe you tend to shut down
and go in your cave.
You ponder, you contemplate
later you come out and discuss it
or move on with life.
Meanwhile she's someone
who wants to figure it out
right this red hot minute.
And of course when you don't want to
and you feel pressured
and you kind of shut down
a fight ensues
or maybe it's the other way around
and she's the one that clams up.
One of you is thinking
let's discuss this
when we've both calmed down
and had some time to think
and the other saying
let's never go to bed angry,
but I'm angry.
(Laughter)
I'm laughing because it's so true.
Come on you probably experienced
this in some of your relationships.
If you have, comment.
Here's the thing,
neither of you is wrong.
You just have different temperaments
on how you deal with it.
But key point,
when you're with someone
who seemingly has an opposite way
of dealing with these kinds of tense situations
both of you
or neither of you, let's say neither of you
feels understood or loved.
When really it might be that you're not understood
but you are loved.
When we're triggered
we want others
to be like us and see like us.
That's what makes us feel emotionally safe.
Of course, feeling too safe
and too similar
can lead to boredom.
Yes, I know relationships are complicated,
they're a lot of work for ever after
and they're not for everyone.
But if they're for you
let's talk about stimulation.
Not that kind.
Remember, it's not bad
for you to have differences
even in temperament.
In fact, it's actually good if you have
a little bit of differences
that way, it doesn't become too stagnant.
But it's how you navigate those differences
that determine whether or not
you're going to be supporting the relationship
especially in times of conflict.
And if you don't know how to do that
then you might be with the right person
but feel like sometimes you're not
with the right person
even if your values,
beliefs, and goals are in alignment.
In fact, your mutual reactivity
for how you handle situations differently
may feel insurmountable
when really your feelings
are actually just exaggerated.
Dr. S as we'll call him from now on
because I can't pronounce his name
says the most common areas
where this conflict shows up
is in terms of energy
and intensity levels and mood
especially when it comes to anxiety regulation.
For example, let's say she's high energy
and your lower energy in terms of temperament
she tends to want to, not even want to
she tends to take action without thinking
whereas you like to contemplate make a plan
and then potentially take action
once you've thought about it
or maybe it's the other way around.
So, let's say she gets reprimanded
at work by her boss
and her reaction is to
want to give notice right away or even quit
without looking for another job,
which she really can't afford to do.
Meanwhile, you would prefer
if she actually talked to her boss
about the communication issue
and then if it can't get resolved give notice
when she's already found another job.
Or maybe you're particular about being on time
and she's chronically late.
Maybe you're the organized, orderly
on time planner
and she's none of those things.
When you try to bring up
this disrespectful behavior
she becomes moody and distant,
which brings us to mood.
Let's say when it comes to
mood and anxiety regulation
you're on two different pages.
If we go back to the other example
where she doesn't like her boss
and she doesn't like her job
for her, continuing to work
for a disrespectful boss
causes her more anxiety
than being out of work and not knowing
where her next paycheck comes from.
Whereas for you
you definitely would have more anxiety around
not knowing where your next
paycheck was coming from.
Or maybe you're the fly by the seat of your pants.
Pantser I don't know if that's actually a word.
Anyways, so that brings us to
do opposites really attract?
Well, opposites somewhat attract
but you can't be so opposite
that there's a glaring difference
and there's an insurmountable
cavern between you.
Especially when it comes to temperment
because otherwise, eventually
you will repel each other.
If you want me to do a video on
why opposites attract,
let me know in the comments.
And as I mentioned before
the best relationships
are actually where a couple have
moderate temperamental differences.
Ideally the high energy person
winds up with someone who
they can chill out with
but who doesn't bring them down.
And the lower energy person
winds up with someone who
can give them some energy
get them out of the house once in a while.
You like her spontaneity and creativity
and she likes that you help keep her head
out of the clouds and feet on the ground.
But the further apart your temperaments are
and the less you're able to manage those differences
the more that those
things that originally attracted you
will drive you nuts.
You've probably experienced this,
if you have share your stories.
And if your temperaments are
moderately different
and you're still fighting over every little thing
it could be that you're reacting
instead of responding.
Now remember, we weren't taught
how to do relationships,
we weren't taught how to deal
with conflict management.
I don't know what they're teaching in schools right now
but it's not very useful.
Skip that part.
Sorry schools if you're watching.
But the reality is
most people when they're triggered
they react not respond.
React is immediate without thought.
Response is less immediate
with some thought and consideration.
They come from different parts of the brain
and that's a whole other video,
but let's look at an example.
Let's say the more anxious you become
the more nonchalant she becomes
then you start hearing
or saying things like
why can't you just calm down for a minute?
Or let me think for a minute.
Or why do you always put things off?
Or I thought you said you were interesting
not into resting.
I love that one okay anyway,
you've probably heard some of these
or said some of these
and then this brings us back to
personality versus temperament.
Who you are versus what you do.
Oftentimes conflicts go unresolved
because we're attacking
a person's personality instead of
their behaviors.
Key point,
it's easier to change a behavior
than a personality.
Key point,
focusing on someone's
negative personality trait
negative to you
is an affront on who they are.
Whereas focusing on
a specific behavior
focuses on what you need
in that relationship.
Not being able to communicate
lovingly and respectfully will lead to
discord and distancing
because neither feels emotionally safe in the relationship
and it goes back to why can't you be more like me?
Key point, in reality
it's not necessarily
your differences that make you incompatible
but your lack of
effective communication
and conflict management skills.
Because when we're triggered
we often resort
or relapse to
childlike behaviors and defensiveness
and demands
and then eventually one partner
becomes depressed and the other partner becomes
anxious and angry
and both partners are resentful.
And this is why
it's one of the main reasons
your relationship is doomed to fail
unless you learn from this.
However, it may be
about your differences
in values, beliefs, and goals.
And that's why it's so important
to know what's so important to you.
Now, if your relationship
is already in trouble
and you know you're part of the problem
that maybe some of your issues like
perhaps intense or extreme insecurity
is part of the problem then I highly encourage you
to talk to a therapist I will put a link
to a company I recommend.
If you think it's her issues
that are causing a problem
then I highly encourage you if she's willing
to talk to a marriage counselor or coach.
I'll put a link to that somewhere
for the person I recommend.
And again don't beat yourself up
on not knowing how
you weren't taught this until now.
But do take responsibility
for learning how to do relationships better.
And if you're still watching this
then I know you're in that camp.
So, thanks for being here, God bless.
(Music)