Have you ever encountered a time wherein you meet a new person in your life and the two
of you just “click” right away?
The other person may be older than you or come from an entirely different cultural background
but in just a few minutes of conversation, both of you managed to instantly form a close
bond with each other.
You just have a natural connection with this other person that figurative sparks fly in
the sky the first time you laid eyes on one another.
What is this inexplicable “chemistry” that exist between two people?
And why do you have it with some people but don’t with others?
And does having “chemistry” have anything to do with the success and failure of relationships?
Science has always been about unraveling mysteries and one of the most baffling puzzle of all
is coming up with a perfect definition for what love actually is.
Experts in the biological sciences, including anthropologists and neuroscientists, have
been trying to understand the science behind the phenomenon of falling and staying in love
for many, many years.
They believe that love has a biological basis; that it has a “formula” of sorts.
As for determining what are its specific ingredients, they think the answer can be found in the
human brain, particularly in its neurochemistry.
According to a published research paper of Dr. Henry Fisher at Rutgers University, if
we’re talking about romantic love, humans exhibit it in three ways.
First is lust, which is the individual’s need for sexual gratification.
Second is attraction, which is essentially the primal magnetism that draws you to other
person or the desire to form an emotional union with them.
Third is attachment, which is the main factor that mediates long-term relationships, romantic
or otherwise.
Each of these categories are supposedly associated with chemicals or hormones that stem from
the brain.
Sex hormones such as testosterone and estrogen are what drives sexual desire.
The male’s testes and the female’s ovaries are the ones that secrete testosterone and
estrogen respectively.
But it is the brain’s hypothalamus that is responsible for stimulating these sex hormones’
production.
While attraction may seem similar to lust, they do have a distinction.
While sexual desire is driven by sex hormones, attraction is associated with the brain pathways
responsible for controlling the brain’s reward mechanism.
High levels of dopamine and norepinephrine are released during attraction.
These chemicals are what gives us the feeling of being “in love.”
We feel excited and energetic when we’re with someone we’re attracted to.
We also can’t eat and can’t sleep because of this intense feeling of attraction toward
someone else.
These chemicals are partly the reason why romantic relationships in the beginning seem
euphoric and all-consuming.
Aside from an increase in the production of dopamine and norepinephrine, there is also
a reduction in the release of serotonin, which is the neurotransmitter or hormone associated
with the regulation of our mood and appetite.
According to some scientists, it is this particular chemical that drives that overwhelming feeling
of infatuation or obsession toward another person during the early stages of falling
in love.
After experiencing the bittersweet feelings of falling in love with someone, it is our
attachment to our loved ones that fosters long-term relationships.
The hormones involved in this stage are oxytocin and vasopressin.
Both are synthesized in the hypothalamus of the brain.
Oxytocin, in particular, is released in large quantities during sexual relations, which
eventually leads to the formation of a strong and special bond between the two individuals.
Of course, the chemicals associated with romance do not just make us feel and experience all
the pleasant things about being in love; they also bring their negative counterparts.
They say love makes you jealous, irrational and overall crazy.
And while these hormones make you feel the things that make love amazing, they are also
responsible for these downsides.
For example, dopamine is not just associated with attraction, studies have shown that it
has a lot to do with addiction as well.
This is why love-struck individuals seemingly behave as if they’re addicted and emotionally
dependent on the one they’re attracted to.
And much like those who suffer from addiction, people who are in love experience withdrawal
as well whenever they long to see and be with someone else.
Sexual arousal has its downsides too.
It has been determined that feeling lustful and attracted toward another turns off prefrontal
cortex of our brain.
This means that the intelligent aspects of ourselves, such as our ability to think critically,
to behave rationally and to be self-aware of our actions, fly out the window when we
are sexually aroused by someone.
Just from knowing that hormones and neurotransmitters have plenty to do with what makes love the
way it is, it is clear that there is some “formula” behind how love should be defined.
However, there are a lot of missing pieces in the equation that scientists have yet to
figure out.
Love and “chemistry,” of course, is not just chemical; it’s psychological.
According to the research of Dr. Kelly Campbell at California State University, San Bernardino,
instant connections between people have a higher chance of happening to those who are
openminded and sincere.
But aside from being non-judgmental, what facilitates chemistry between two people is
similarity.
Once we meet a person from the very first time, we quickly assess the individual and
determine if we share some traits and interests with that individual.
Upon deciding that there is some similarity, that’s when we feel more comfortable with
revealing more about ourselves as we feel that they will be able to understand who we
are.
However, the reality is not everyone gets to experience romantic chemistry with another
person.
According to Campbell’s research, those that experience it more often than others
are individuals who are open, friendly, conscientious and those who are in-tune with their feelings.
Those who do not get to experience “chemistry” as much are those who say they don’t have
the right personality for it.
These individuals are usually shy and distrusting of other people.
Others, on the other hand, simply have not had the chance to meet new people or encounter
others that shared some of their interests.
When we talk about the chemistry in love, we are not just talking about romantic love.
There is chemistry involved in other forms of relationships as well, such as in friendships.
Attraction and attachment and the chemicals that facilitate them are integral to the formation
of strong and lasting friendships.
And personality traits such as openness, conscientiousness and agreeableness are also important in making
instant connections and positive interactions with other people.
If the formation of chemistry is what ignites the start of most relationships, be it romantic
or platonic, does this mean it is indispensable in ensuring the success of such relationships?
Well, experts have a polarizing opinion on the importance of having chemistry in the
success of the relationship and the satisfaction felt from it.
Some say to base the formation of a future relationship on chemistry alone is misleading.
Chemistry may provide the pleasure of being in love with someone, but its blinding effect
can make someone ignore the red flags of being in a relationship with that person.
Moreover, this passionate spark eventually fades and that is when the incompatibilities
of the couple begin to surface.
However, another side insists that chemistry is an important factor in the success of romantic
and even platonic relationships.
They say that if you don’t have amazing chemistry to begin with, chances are it’s
never going to happen for the two of you.
And without a strong chemistry, couples may have a harder time going through life together
as their relationship progresses in the future.
It is also suggested that even though chemistry fades, it can be cultivated and revived so
long as the couple are willing to work together in keeping the spark of their relationship
alive.
While scientists from various fields have taken painstaking lengths to sufficiently
explain love and chemistry, the truth is much of it is still left unexplained by science.
For all we know, maybe this special connection between two people is not just physical or
psychological.
Maybe it’s spiritual.
Maybe it’s destiny.
We don’t know for sure at this point.
What we do know is that having chemistry with someone and falling in love with another are
some of the most thrilling experiences that make us humans feel truly alive.