SPC-172-J never bring a fist to a spear fist object class apollyoken
Item #: SPC-172
Object Class: Apollyōken
Selachian Pugilization Contingencies: Due to its anomalous effect, SPC-172 is unpunchable.
In lieu of the abandoned full-scale punching campaign of SPC-172, the DARWIN CAN EAT MY
ASS protocol has been enacted to drive SPC-172 to extinction through non-pugnātorial means.
Failure to eradicate SPC-172 poses a nonzero risk of SPC-172-A spreading as a dominant
evolutionary trait among sharks in the long term, which would result in an End-of-World
K/O Failure Scenario.
Description: SPC-172 is a selachian entity known to civilians as the narwhal1.
While technically a mammal, SPC-172 meets the Shark Punching Center's three criteria
for verifiable sharkitude.
Over time, male instances of SPC-172 have evolved a facial stabbing implement (heretofore
SPC-172-A) that completely neutralizes all punching attempts.
Punchination Attempt Log-172: Punch Attempt Punch Result Notes
Agent Seagal uppercutting a captive instance of SPC-172.
False-positive "We've been over this.
It doesn't count unless it's directly in the shark's face."
- Coach Naismith Agent Seagal punching a captive instance of
SPC-172 in the face.
Negative Following surgery and successful recovery, Seagal has since requested transfer
to another project that doesn't involve punching a pointed stick.
Agent Seagal punching a captive instance of SPC-172 in the face, harder.
Negative "Good Lord, it's like he's wearing his arm as a horn sock…"
- Coach Naismith Deployment of a fist-tipped Ahab-2 unit modified
for underwater deployment into an instance of SPC-172 Inconclusive An autopsy of the
resulting cloud of shredded viscera was unable to return any evidence of successful facial
fisticuffs.
Agent Seagal punching a captive instance of SPC-172 in the face even harder, with his
other arm.
Negative The fist came within 1.2 meters of the instance's face before Agent Seagal succumbed
to lethal injuries consistent with fishkebabitization.
Agent Norris punching a captive female - ergo, hornless - instance of SPC-172.
N/A Punch was initially successful and resulted in death of the instance, but autopsy revealed
that female instances of SPC-172 are toothless, which causes them to fail the third criterion
of verifiable sharkitude, "does it have pointy bits," and - ergo - are not sharks.
Agent Norris punching a juvenile male instance of SPC-172, with a smaller SPC-172-A instance
than usual, in the face.
N/A "Come on, he's a kid."
- Coach Naismith Agent Norris punching a captive male instance
of SPC-172 in the face, harder than Agent Seagal.
N/A "I quit."
- Agent Norris.
Agent Norris punching a captive male instance of SPC-172 in the face, harder than Agent
Seagal, or Coach Naismith will burn his house down.
Negative The fist came within 1.1 meters of the instance's face before Agent Norris succumbed
to lethal injuries consistent with fishkebabitization.
Sawing off a captive male instance of SPC-172's SPC-172-A, then punching it.
N/A "We're the Shark Punching Center, not the Shark Editing Then Shark Punching Center.
Lose the goddamn training wheels."
- Coach Naismith Usage of experimental selachian-punching device
HERCULES HATES SHARKS to partially decrease the mass of Agent Norris's rocket-propelled
disembodied fist in such a manner that it phases through the SPC-172-A instance and
lands on the captive male instance's face.
Inconclusive Device failed, dimensional anomaly generated, accidentally punched God.