There were a lot of people in my life that were not good for me. Sometimes people just
start to take too much from you, and at the end of the day, you have nothing left for
yourself, and I think that's really unhealthy, and I was just not in a good place for a while
with relationships, and friendships, and just a lot of other people that were around me.
And it's really corny to say it's not you, it's me.
But, I was like, I really mean that.
Like, it's not really anything negative against these people.
It's just that I have decided that I think it's best that we part ways at this point,
and like, in the least corny way that I can possibly say it, like it's actually true.
Like, it's not you, bro.
It's not what you're doing.
It's what I need to do for myself.
I love Mike Sabbath.
He's one of my best friends.
He's the producer of this record, and just a genius star boy.
Just, I love him.
I remember just bringing up the fact that I wanted a rapper on this song, that I decided
it was the right tempo, and just kind of a cool vibe.
And I just mentioned to my team how much I love 6lack, and I just think his tone is so
cool, and I'm just like his biggest fan.
I love him.
I know all the words to his songs.
I'm obsessed with him.
And then, a few days after I just mentioned that I liked him, I got a call being like,
"Hey, 6lack jumped on the song today.
He's writing a verse.
We'll send it to you once we piece it all together."
And I was like what?
Sometimes, you see somebody that you care about, and you're like, "Hey, you need a little
bit of me to help you, and I got you.
Like, I'm here."
You give too much to other people, and you think it's what you want at the time, because
if you care about someone, you want them to be happy.
You can't really make people happy if they don't wanna be happy, which it took me a really
long time to figure out.
For me, being haunted by myself is just like I started to not be able to live my life,
because everywhere that I was, and every conversation I was having, like I was so in my head, thinking
about problems that I was facing, and just issues I had with other people, and like with
myself, that I couldn't actually be living in the moment.
It was really weird.
It was not a good time.
It made me kind of sick, like physically.
I would just be sitting places, and trying to interact with my friends, and do whatever
I wanted to do, whatever I was supposed to be doing in that moment, and I would end up
just getting home later that day, and being like, "What did I even do today?"
Because I was so in here, and everything else, all the things that we have.
Everyone, I think, has little voices in their heads yelling at them all the time, or some
of the time.
And for me, it was all of the time.
We're understood by our friends and by the person we're with or by our family or by whoever
and it's like, yeah I get it.
I can fit in here and you kind of try to shove yourself into all these little places that
you don't fit because it's all that you know and all that you have.
And it's kind of scary to fully admit to yourself, okay, this might not actually be where I belong.
So I should try to find somewhere that I do, because that's scary.
You're adjusted to what you have, and even though you're not comfortable, or you don't
feel like you're really a part of what's happening, at the time it seems like it's better than
being alone or out in the world trying to find people who really do understand you.
So cliché to say that to somebody.
That's why I wanted to write this, I was like can we actually say "it's not you it's me,"
but mean it, and not be like we're just saying it because we're too afraid to tell you that
it actually is you and you're the problem.
It's like no, I'm the problem.
I've definitely been dumped before, and I know that it is not a good feeling.
I've been dumped by friends and by people that I've dated.
You sit there and you rack your brain and you're like, what could I have done differently
to have saved this?
What did I do wrong?
It was my fault, it was this, it was that, and it's not.
It's really not good for your mental health.
You just sit there and you deteriorate.
I ask people, like in my band, people that I know.
People who are happily married or you know, have been with somebody for a long time.
I’m like “Is that real?
Is that really real?
You really love this person a lot and y'all actually understand each other?
For real?”
Because I just don't ... I've never had that and I don't get it.
How are you actually helping each other here?
It doesn't make and sense to me.
And they're like, "Yes, Bea, yes this is a real thing."
So I guess, I mean according to the sources that I have, there is somebody for everyone
but I'm not gonna force it.
That was actually a lyric that I wrote about a very specific moment where I can actually
visualize it in my head right now, but I was at the beach with my friends, and we were
just ... we sat ... I wanna say, it was freezing cold.
I mean, for LA, it doesn't really get that cold there.
But, it was winter time, so it wasn't super warm at night at the beach.
And we were sitting there in Santa Monica, and we were on a little sleeping bag that
I had in my car, and you could just hear the sound of the waves.
We couldn't see them because it was too dark, and I don't know.
It was just nice to just sit there, and have a conversation about things that are either
really important, or not important at all.
I love myself differently than I love everyone else, I think, because I can't really say
that I love myself more than I love my mom.
I just love them differently.
I have to have a level of respect and love for myself, that I don't have for other people,
but it doesn't mean that I love them any less.