(dramatic music)
- Welcome to "On the Ropes"
I'm your host, Yamaneika.
You so ugly, you should be a (bleep) emoji.
That was an example of a roast, a snap, a dis.
And if you're old enough to remember when ashtrays
were on airplanes, you may call it the dozens.
But no matter what you call it,
"On the Ropes" is a competition show just for you.
Let's meet our two contestants.
(dramatic music)
(bell dings)
In this corner, all the way from his Instacart gig,
weighing in at two Popeye's chickens sandwiches
and some fries, your champ,
Reg, men need to wear waist trainers too, Thomas.
(audience cheers and applauds)
And in this corner, hailing all the way from,
"Oh my God, you think I'm black?"
Weighing in at three cases of no edge control,
give it up for your challenger,
Dara, but you can call me Tara, Jemmott.
(audience cheers and applauds)
Our first round won't be just a roast battle.
It's actually a battle royale, yes!
(audience cheers and applauds)
In this round, each contestant will get an opportunity
to roast their opponent for 30 seconds
using a picture from social media.
Reg, I'm gonna give you 30 seconds on the clock,
let's put up a picture of Dara.
Reg, you ready?
Ready, set, roast.
(bell dings)
- This picture is from the night Dara lost her kids.
Dara, this is the attitude you get
when you ask for extra oxtail gravy
at the Jamaica restaurant.
Dara looks like she's about to start her 12 week course
at Alcoholics Anonymous.
Dara looks like she's very smiley in this photo,
but that's because she's about to ask you for $40.
Dara's outfit is terrible, and that's why she's single.
(bell dings)
- That's time!
(audience applauds)
- Dara you look like you saying,
"That's just my baby daddy."
Hey!
All right, Dara, you gonna do the same thing.
I'm gonna give you 30 seconds on the clock.
Let's put up a picture of Reg.
Ready, set, roast.
(bell dings)
- Oh, Reg, I loved you when I was a kid
who didn't love Grimace from McDonald's?
You look like a real, live, purple people human eater.
Oh!
(all laugh)
Goodness, you look like someone sent an eggplant emoji
and actually meant eggplant.
- Woo! - Oh, God.
There's no covering up this body,
you do look like a trans pregnant person.
(all laugh)
(bell dings)
Progression!
- That's time, yes!
Reg, oof!
- Wow.
- Man, she hit you with it, baby.
She hit you!
But you can redeem yourself for sure.
This topic is S-K-O, that stands for Self Knock Out.
In this round, each contestant will get 30 seconds
to roast themselves.
We are gonna start with our challenger, Dara.
Dara, are you ready?
- I'm ready.
- 30 seconds on the clock.
Ready, set, roast!
(bell dings)
- I've been putting okra juice in my hair,
but that's to feed the wild things living in it.
(audience laughs)
I don't have a flat chest, I have a sexy sternum.
Someone once told me I look like I have breast cancer
of the back.
Very mean.
And I'm single, not because of my outfits, because
of my attitude, Reg, thanks!
Let's see, what else about me?
Someone once told me I look like Billy Blanks.
I took it as a compliment.
(audience laughs)
What else can we do?
I have a cat, I'll probably die single.
- That's time!
All right, all right, yes, yes.
Dara, if somebody told you you have cancer,
go check that out.
(all laugh)
All right, Reg, are you ready?
All right, I'm gonna give Reg 30 seconds on the clock.
Reg, ready, set, roast.
- I'm so black I look like a ink blot test.
I'm so broke, I've never (bleep)
but I've definitely (bleep) for money.
(all laugh)
My last girlfriend got so mad at me
she made nine Instagram pages and they were all
different variations of my name with the word bum.
So the first one was Reg is a bum.
The next one was this bum (bleep) Reg.
By the end of the week, she had ran out different words,
so it was just Reg is a bum.
I'm so broke I once- (bell dings)
- Time, time, wow.
That was actually good.
I just, I didn't even know why you had to add that in there.
All right, we're gonna take a quick break
and I'm gonna let him eat my (bleep) for $5.00.
(all laugh)
- $40.00.
- He about to put up the price.
Next topic is Form of a Question.
In this round, each contestant will joke on the other
in the form of a question.
We are going to start with our champion, Reg.
Reg, are you ready?
- Yes.
- I'm gonna give you 30 seconds on the clock.
Ready, set, roast.
- Why are you dressed like a scammer?
You're only wearing one color
but it looks like three different looks.
Why don't you have any ass?
Like, if you're not gonna have ass,
at least have a personality.
Why are you built like a little Asian boy?
Why is your hair so (bleep) up?
That natural hair journey is not that rough.
Why do you look like a lit match?
Why, why, why?
(bell dings)
(all laugh)
- All right, that's time!
Yeah, why, why?
Why, maybe Dara can tell us why, 'cause Dara now
has 30 seconds on the clock to roast Reg
in the form of a question.
Dara, are you ready? - Yes.
- Okay, we're gonna put 30 seconds of the clock.
Ready, set, roast.
- Why do you look like a walking Milk Dud?
Why are your breasts bigger than mine?
Why do you look like a buoy that a big charter boat
is about to charter its way around you?
Why do you look like the poster child
for childhood diabetes?
Why do you look like an old man with gout
that never got it checked out?
You're gonna lose your left foot.
Why do you look like you had way too many Snicker bars
and now the diabetes is running its course
through your body and you might not make it
through this show.
(all laugh)
(bell dings)
- All right, that's time!
(audience applauds)
Oh my God!
Reg, she was asking you so many medical questions.
(all laugh)
- He's like, "(bleep) might need to get a checkup," okay?
I wanna know why too, you know what I mean?
Now, this round is called Head to Toe.
And in this round, each contestant gets an opportunity
to roast the other from the top of their head
to the bottom of their feet.
Are you guys ready?
- [Audience] Woo!
- All right, we are going to start
with our challenger, Dara.
Dara, you have 30 seconds on the clock.
Ready, set, roast.
(bell dings)
- Oh, Reg, I love how you tried to replace your face
with your beard.
It's still not working, your personality is still the same.
Your little (bleep) energy, I have to say is glowing.
You look great.
What else can I say?
I'm looking for a hairline, we'll never find it.
Why do your ears look like that?
I know that was the last thing, but like,
this elf thing, you look in this outfit
like you want to be Santa but you really showed up
with the ears for the job, you know?
- Time!
All right.
Reg, you have an opportunity to roast from head to toe,
that round with Dara was a little shaky.
You think you got this? - Yes.
- All right.
So I'm gonna give you 30 seconds on the clock.
Ready, set, roast.
(bell dings)
- Dara, you look like you called customer service one time
and forgot how to turn off your white voice.
You look like you tell people "I'm not black, I'm tan."
(all laugh)
Your shoes are more colorful than your personality.
- Whatever.
- You are built like every girl
I've swiped left on on Tinder.
(all laugh)
You look like you give lots of great sexual favors
to get ahead in life because nothing else is selling.
(bell dings) - Time!
Wow, wow.
(audience cheers and claps)
Yeah, that's really rough.
Oh my God.
Dara, you look like you saying, "Can I get a window seat,"
and Reg, you look like you driving the bus.
(all laugh)
(all clap)
Okay, round one, I'm gonna be honest,
Dara looks like she's really killing it, okay?
But I really need you, Reg, just to step it up
and just take a good look at her, okay?
She looks like she uses paper towels as maxi pads.
- Ooh! - All right?
You really gotta focus, you got this.
You the champ, all right?
Come on!
You got this, all right?
Dara, I don't want you to slow down
because he may come back really strong,
so this is not your game yet.
I need you both to prove that you can roast, all right?
That's what we're here to do, roast.
Okay?
So in the second round, we're going take it to the streets!
Yeah!
Gonna snap off!
Yeah!
(audience cheers)
Yeah, snap it off!
Okay, I'm giving them each 30 seconds
to roast each other uninterrupted, no holds bars,
I don't care, say it all, say it!
All right?
- [All] Yeah!
(audience cheers and claps)
- Reg, I'm gonna give you 30 seconds on the clock.
Ready, set, roast!
- I really am proud of how your hair's been growing in,
when you first cut it, you looked like
a dirty tennis ball with titties.
Also, congratulations, it's your first time on TV
and it's not on "Cops".
I'm very proud of how thick you've been getting,
you're so skinny, you use floss as a thong.
Dara's built like Susie Carmichael from "The Rugrats"
but she has Al Sharpton's hair.
(all laugh) (bell dings)
- That's time, yes!
(audience cheers and claps)
Okay, okay, okay.
We're getting a little heat cooking here.
All right, Dara, you ready for it?
- [Dara] I believe so.
- Okay, I'm gonna give you 30 seconds on the clock.
Ready, set, roast.
(bell dings)
- Reg, you have beautiful eyes, I think.
I cannot see them.
When are you due?
You look like Hugh Hefner in black face.
We all know that you're a Haitian
and you have a face that only a mother can love.
I do believe she should have swallowed you,
but when she tried, she choked like (imitates choking).
(audience laughs)
What else we got?
Reg, I mean, you do look like you sleep with people
in order to survive.
- That's time, that's time!
Okay, Reg.
Forgot you was Haitian.
Better call your mama and get some magic.
(all laugh)
All right, I think you got this, okay?
All right, all right, all right.
Dara, some of them jokes, I don't know,
a couple of them hit, some of 'em I was like, eh.
So, you know, this ain't her thing.
You know, this can still be your thing.
So we're gonna put 30 seconds on the clock for Reg.
Ready, set, roast.
(bell dings)
- Dara sucks plenty of (bleep)
but it's not 'cause she's horny,
it's 'cause she needs the protein.
(all laugh)
I would call Dara a $2.00 (bleep) but I want my dollar back.
(all laugh)
Dara, you are the most useless person on this stage.
Dara, the last (bleep) that loved you
left you for your best friend because...
I don't know.
Oh no, I got one!
Dara likes to get (bleep) in the (bleep)
'cause her (bleep) smells worse.
- [Audience] Ohh!
- Well, well that's time.
I mean, it was almost like you was reading her diary.
(all laugh)
Some of that is crazy, I hope (bleep).
- I had to pull it out.
- Yeah, I see, I see, I see, I see, I see.
Dara?
- Yes.
He really came at you hard.
- I know.
- You know, your hair, you're feminine hygiene,
you know, black girl magic.
So this is your opportunity, final opportunity,
to shake 'em down.
So I'm gonna give you 30 seconds on the clock.
Ready, set, roast.
- First of all, Reg, my (bleep)
smells like your mouth, okay?
Thank God for masks in the pandemic
'cause we were all dying out here in these streets, okay?
And when everyone's trying to suck your (bleep)
they have to use their forehead, their pinkies
and a foot to keep it up, all right?
But there's not enough girth because, again,
the small (bleep) energy that you are providing
on this stage today, whew, it is lovely.
Your self-esteem is lower than this stage,
but you have a good job at covering it up with that beard.
- Time!
All right, you guys, this entire thing
has just been up and down, and up and down,
like Reg's weight.
(all laugh)
I don't know, Dara came in really, really strong
in the beginning.
It was a lot, a lot of hits and Reg, you were nowhere
to be found, somewhere in the corner, eating and crying.
But Reg, man, I don't know.
At the end, you know, you kinda
like all the rage of all the black women who've ever
told you no just came out.
(all laugh)
You know, my gut is telling me that when the chips are down
and you have to throw it all on the ground
and you gotta rise up like a fat Phoenix
to claim your crown, the only fat (bleep) to do it,
is fat Reg!
- Let's get it!
(audience cheers and claps)
- All right, Reg, so from one fat (bleep) to another.
(all laugh)
Reg is our champion!
(audience cheers and claps)
Reg, how does it feel?
You really pulled it out at the end there.
- Yeah, Dara made me get to my evil body,
'cause I was really trying to stay nice
and just try to, you know, right cute (bleep)
and then she was killing me so I had to go ahead
and say some of the meanest (bleep) I've ever said out loud.
- Yeah, well this has been "On the Ropes,"
we can't wait to see you again.
Come on back!
Yes!
(audience cheers and claps)