I wonder if planes ever get speeding tickets?
SHUT UP!
American Skyways
Welcome to American Skyways!
We're happy to have you on board.
I'm your captain,
and I'll be taking you through the basic safety procedures of this here aircraft.
Let's go!
So... Everyone thinks flying is a happy time, right fellas?
Guy in blue shirt: Right!
Captain: Wrong! It's very serious business with danger lurking around every corner!
At any given moment you can be sucked out the window
and you'll die by either freezing to death or you'll asphyxiate from lack of oxygen.
Then your lifeless body will plummet 40,000 feet to the ground and shatter into a million pieces.
Or... You'll fly out the other way and be sucked into deep space where your body will never be found by your family
EVER!
So let's talk about safety, shall we?
Seat Belts.
What's your name, son?
Guy in seat: My name's Michael Jackson
If you don't know how to use a seat belt by now, you're *bleep*ed.
But, I'm required by law to show you how.
So, you take one end of the seat belt.
Then, you take the other.
And then, you jam them together, like so.
The restroom.
*Knocking*
Michael Jackson: Hurry up, I'm prairie-dogging!
*Knocking*
Captain: It isn't safe for passengers to form a line out here in front of the lavatory.
So there's now a 30 second time limit in there.
Michael Jackson: Wait, wait, what?
Captain: Best hurry up, time's already ticking, partner!
Michael Jackson: Oh crap!
Captain: Oh!
And going number 2 is no longer permitted.
Michael Jackson: What?!? When did that rule take effect?!?
Captain: Uhh.. Ten seconds!
Michael Jackson: Oh God! That's not enough time!
Captain: Security!
*Police Sirens*
Security Guard 1: We got a guy taking a code 2!
Security Guard 2: Prepare pull out!
Security Guard 1: Pull out!
Michael Jackson: What, what are you doing? what are you doing?! No! No! Nooo!
*Electrocution noises*
Oxygen masks.
Captain: If cabin pressure changes, the panels above your head will open to reveal oxygen masks.
Pull the mask over your head and breathe normally.
*Heavy breathing*
Oxygen is flowing though, so don't worry if the bag doesn't inflate.
Just kidding. They're all
broken.
(muffled screaming)
In case of a life-threatening emergency, there are
emergency exits to your left. In case of a hunger emergency, there are salad to
your right.
To prevent a terrorist hijacking, be sure to alert a crew member of any minorities
you see on the plane.
Now, that's f--ked up.
In the event of a water landing...
(cracks up)
All right, let's face it. We'd all die. (chuckles)
In the event the
plane becomes overrun with snakes, be sure you have a black guy on board to
exclaim how tired he is of said snakes.
GA-WHAT?!
Smoking is not allowed on this plane. All planes have very terrible gas leaks and
will explode if someone were to light a match.
Huh?
(boom!)
(heavy gasp)
You okay, man?
I just had this
vision where someone lit a match and the plane exploded.
Huh?
(boom!)
To see bloopers
and this...
(screaming)
...click the video right here.
Oh! Whoa!
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