welcome to my scientifically informed
insider look at mental health topics if
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my channel hello this is dr. grande
today's question asks if I can go over
some signs of a toxic relationship so
I'm going to make this video seven signs
of a toxic relationship so the first
thought that comes up here right away is
what is the difference between toxic and
bad and how do these overlap with
narcissism so really what is the toxic
relationship in relation to a term like
a bad relationship or a relationship
that involves narcissism I would say
it's similar to bad but worse than just
an ordinary level of bad it has a
downward trajectory it robs people of
enthusiasm hope optimism specifically in
the context of a relationship and it's
emotionally damaging and draining so
that's how it relates to bad but in
terms of narcissism I would say that
most toxic relationships involve one or
both people in the relationship we're
talking about romantic relationships
here that have narcissism
so narcissism is very common it's a
feature we see with a number of toxic
relationships as I go through these
different signs you'll see signs in here
that align closely with narcissism now
sometimes we hear this term toxic person
and this is pretty interesting a person
can be toxic alone so the person by
themself can be toxic they can be toxic
in a relationship and alone so they're
toxic everywhere and sometimes the
person is only toxic in the context of
relationship so what I mean by this is
sometimes the relationship
characteristics can activate toxicity so
this whole construct of a toxic
relationship is complex toxicity exists
kind of everywhere so I'm going to cover
seven signs of a toxic relationship but
really this is more like seven
categories here because I have examples
under each major sign so there's some
overlap between
these categories but I tried to separate
them as good as I could so I'm kind of
looking at these examples that go
through this list from the point of view
of a partner who is not involved in
perpetuating the toxic relationship
so essentially kind of looking at a
toxic relationship like a perpetrator
and a victim so this is really from the
victims point of view now of course in
real life a lot of times of toxic
relationships each person contributes to
that relationship to some degree also in
this list I excluded any type of
physical violence and infidelity because
I think those features are somewhat
obvious those are connected very
strongly to toxic relationships and one
last point before we get into the list
if you believe you're in a toxic
relationship seeking counseling is a
good move because only a licensed and
qualified clinician can really help
somebody to deal with a toxic
relationship especially if it's severe
so sign or category number one is
arguments and of course arguments are a
key part of toxic relationships but it's
really certain characteristics of the
arguments that we tend to see for
example if a couple has a lot of
arguments and there's no resolution
that's not a good sign if arguments are
terminated by one person physically
leaving especially if that person is not
in distress so really as a type of
manipulation and that's another sign
I'll get to later but as a type of
manipulation they physically leave the
argument so the argument can't continue
toward a resolution if the argument
persists for days weeks and sometimes
I've heard of arguments even going on
for months that's not a good sign if
yelling and screaming take place when
somebody's losing an argument like if
they're losing an argument based on
logic and they just start yelling at
their partner that's not a good sign
another component of this argument sign
is what I call the dark cloud it's
associated with vulnerable narcissism so
this would be bringing up the past and
an argument and giving again the victim
I'm looking at this as perpetrator
victim giving the victim this idea that
they can never be free from what they've
done wrong so it's a relationship with
out forgiveness also threatening to
leave or get a divorce unless an
argument is settled in one's favor is
part of this argument sign and it points
toward a toxic relationship
the second sign has to do with negative
feelings and again specific negative
feelings we tend to see with toxic
relationships so if someone has the
feeling that their partner prefers that
they were dead or otherwise going so the
victim feels like their partner believes
that it'd be better if the victim were
dead that's a bad sign and this is
actually a fairly common sign I see
around negative feelings and toxic
relationships so an individual just has
the sense from all their interactions
with their partner but their partner
doesn't want them around anymore another
indication would be dreading sex or
finding that sex lacks an emotional
component this is tied in with both
narcissism and psychopathy not feeling
safe to share feelings because you
believe those feelings will be used
against you in an argument later on or
maybe sometimes not so later on so it's
really this sense that you're always on
the stand like in a trial so it's a
legalistic environment we have to be
careful about everything that you say
kind of tied in with this would be the
idea of walking on eggshells that's part
of it and the last item here under
negative feelings is actually kind of a
physical feeling it's when somebody
feels physically sick when their partner
talks to them or comes home similarly
they feel relief like physical relief
when their partner leaves or goes to
work or something like that so there's
like a physical sensation component we
can see with toxic relationships as well
the third sign involves unfounded
accusations we see accusations that you
are ruining your partner's life
accusations of infidelity without
convincing evidence to support them and
accusing you of using your partner for
sex money household chores or status so
all those accusations point toward a
toxic relationship number four is
unhelpful personality and temperament
characteristics so what we see in terms
of again looking at like a victim
perpetrator the purpose
would have a short fuse often angry
they'll be snarky frustrated have a lack
of tenderness depth empathy kindness and
compassion so again a lack of all those
things and be resentful impulsive and
antagonistic so these characteristics
have quite a bit of overlap with both
psychopathy and narcissism number five
is an unhelpful communication style and
this involves kind of a lot of different
characteristics and examples so if
you're making an attempt to end
emotional abuse like your partner is
badgering you and you're told that
you're not letting your partner express
their feelings so they're kind of defend
they're emotionally abusive behavior by
saying they're just trying to express
their feelings that's not a good sign
and if we look at just badgering which
of course as I mentioned is emotional
abuse continuing to badger someone after
they exhibit an expression like crying
or something like that that's a bad sign
so in relationships when somebody's
being aggressive a lot of times what we
see is the other person becomes
submissive they give off signs that
they're ready for the fight to end and
when someone doesn't recognize signs
that somebody's trying to end a fight
that's a really bad indicator in terms
of a toxic relationship another feature
around this communication piece is
refusing to accept process or recognize
criticism so if you point out a
criticism immediately they criticize you
so you never really get to talk about
the issue because in a sense you have to
stay defensive or at least it seems like
you have to stay defensive this kind of
distraction technique this redirection
technique is actually a type of
manipulation that we see a lot with
narcissism it's really a form of
gaslighting the next feature of
communication is when no real
communication takes place and this is
really probably more bad than actually
toxic but it can maintain a toxic
environment so I kind of included it
here so it's like if you're sitting in
the same room with your partner and
they're on their smartphone or maybe
both people or on their smartphones and
like playing a game or checking email
and not really communicating by
situations where normally people would
be in contact and there
not and the last feature here under
communication is when somebody never
apologizes apologizing is a key to a
healthy relationship if you always find
yourself apologizing and you feel like
you're apologizing even when you don't
feel like you did something wrong that's
also a bad sign around communication
sign number six is excessive fantasy so
this is kind of similar to I talked
about before like if a partner wishes
their partner would disappear but this
is more like the fantasy right so like
making calculations calculating what
like the alimony will be like or the
child support would be like or other
costs would be like if you moved out so
if you wish your partner were gone and
you're kind of going through those
mental calculations to escape that's not
a good sign we also see fantasizing
about a life with another partner like
another romantic partner especially if
this is done repeatedly and fantasizing
about striking a rich again with the
same kind of object which would be to
use that money to get a divorce or
otherwise escape your partner the last
sign here number seven is manipulation
and this is outside of what I've already
included under the argument sign so we
see all different types of manipulation
on this Coast a few here that I think
are particularly present in toxic
relationships so the first is spending
money to hurt a partner so if one
partner works and the other partner
doesn't work and the partner doesn't
work like runs up the credit-card debt
to get back at the person who does
that's a form of manipulation the silent
treatment is a form of manipulation we
see if your partner tells you that
others agree with them that you were bad
like all their friends think you're
awful or your partner tells their
friends that you're awful that's not a
good sign telling you that you would
never survive without them you're not
good enough you're not self-reliant
you're not strong enough kind of putting
you down making you feel like you really
need them performing like a dependency
that's indicative of a toxic
relationship and one of the I think
strongest indicators under this category
anyway is when somebody tries to cut you
off from support isolation so they might
say you're dramatic or weak if you go to
seek counseling for example or go to
seek anyone
that can help you specifically in the
realm of counseling I see a number
examples from this area if your partner
is trying to keep you away from a
counselor just in general I think that's
a bad sign and if you are seeing a
counselor they try to minimize the
counselors ability and minimize the
counselors advice to you so really just
kind of putting the counselor down not
necessarily to the counselor but to you
right to try to cut you off from support
nobody in a healthy relationship should
fear somebody seeking mental health
treatment or advice on relationships or
anything that a counselor would provide
that's a bad indication of a toxic
relationship so those are the seven
signs of a toxic relationship the next
question I usually get after this would
be can a toxic relationship be saved and
sometimes I get the question should it
be saved well I think one of the kind of
quick pieces of advice we see all over
the internet including YouTube is
leaving leaving is the easy answer right
so why bother trying to fix a toxic
relationship when you can just leave but
for most people leaving is not an option
and a lot of times it's not a good
option even if it's an available option
it's not always the best move in terms
of meeting goals whether the goal is
happiness or peace or whatever most of
the time I think the toxic relationships
actually can be saved but it takes a lot
of work and just like we see with
personality disorders even when toxic
relationships heal they keep
characteristics of the toxic
relationship usually for the lifespan
the relationship right so if somebody
has borderline personality disorder or a
narcissistic personality sort or some
other personality sorter and they
receive treatment and they improve
they're still going to have some of
those characteristics even if they don't
technically meet the diagnostic criteria
anymore and again that's how I kind of
feel about the toxic component of toxic
relationships it stays around some of
those components stay around even though
the relationship has largely healed so
I'm actually more or less optimistic
about toxic relationships especially
when each person in the relationship
wants a positive change if only one
person wants a positive change
I'm less optimistic and if neither want
change I'm not really sure what can
happen their counseling isn't usually
going to do much for people that aren't
motivated somewhat to change but either
way I think seeking counseling is always
a good idea and trying to be aware of
the bad habits and adding in good habits
to replace them I think it's a smart
move so realizing when you're engaging
in a bad habit or your partner is and
trying to be active take an action right
there that can lead to a positive result
grand gestures are usually not
successful like if your partner tries to
make up for bad acts by doing something
really impressive like buying an
expensive piece of jewelry or something
like that those type of gestures are
often really quite shallow it's the
little things that we change in our
daily routine that actually make the
difference it's what becomes a habit
that actually leads people out of
toxicity when it comes to relationships
now I know whenever I talk about topics
like toxic relationships there'll be a
variety of opinions people who agree
with me and disagree with me and who
have other thoughts please put those
opinions in the comments section they
always generate a really interesting
dialogue as always I hope you found this
discussion of signs of a toxic
relationship to be interesting thanks
for watching