- I was trying to bring a girl home from a bar
the other night and she said,
"I'd invite you over
but my place is kind of messy."
And I was like, yeah, that's not a deterrent.
At 3:30 in the morning.
I can't imagine walking into her apartment
and being like, absolutely not.
If you fold these sheets, we could talk
but without a duvet cover, not happening.
Of course your place is a mess.
If you're willing to have sex with me,
I'm gonna assume your whole life is in shambles.
- I'm in therapy, obviously,
and I was talking to my therapist.
He goes, "you tend to pursue damaged people
and then try to help them."
And I was like, you too.
We both do that.
You ever date someone who's in therapy
and you're in therapy too?
That's exhausting.
Every fight takes 47 hours.
Every argument is like, I hear you
and I appreciate where you're coming from, however...
It's just the whole day.
I heard a guy in Times Square in New York the other day
said to his girlfriend, "Shut up, bitch."
I was like, that is unacceptable,
but he is crushing me in time management.
So that’s.
That's annoying.
- Dating in LA's a nightmare, can we agree?
It's a fucking piece of dating here.
Yeah. Four people.
The rest of you in love.
Go suck my ass.
Pieces of shit.
I'm a boiled ham in Los Angeles on Tinder.
Don't! Don't. Relax.
I'm a hot piece in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
So don't worry.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
Get my tits sucked right off in Michigan.
Feels good.
I will say though, I did clean up on Tinder in LA
during the pandemic because ooh.
All the hot boys, you got real sad, didn't ya?
You got real lonely and you got real desperate
and all the pretty blonde girls
didn't swipe right, did they?
Guess who did.
Old Stephie T crawling out of the well! Ha ha ha!
Oh yeah, I fucked a bunch of tens.
Felt good. Felt good.
Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.
Felt good to be on top for once.
It really did. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
One cried. Paul.
Yeah. Yeah.
He was very upset.
He's like, "can we please turn the lights off?"
Like, we're keeping them on!
I was being disgusting during the pandemic though.
Just being a real gross person.
I was having sex outside.
I'm like, you can't get COVID if you're in a field.
You can get chlamydia though.
You can, you can.
Yeah.
But is it chlamydia
if all the STD clinics are closed?
Yeah, it was chlamydia.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
You need a pill for that drip.
Big time. Big time.
Only person with an STD, shut up.
I'll come by and check your underwear one by one.
You're like, this is very strange. Please don't.
- I'm reentering the dating world which I didn't...
I don't care for that.
It's not fun.
Being single is amazing.
The middle of the bed is the best part of the bed.
And 'cause I truly love being gay.
I love being gay.
I really do.
But I hate men with my whole heart.
It's really a problem.
Like I went on a date with a guy
and he looked in my human face and he said,
"Solomon, I'm not like other gay guys."
He said that he likes sports.
And he also doesn't like drag queens.
Yeah.
First of all, I love drag.
The whole form in every shape and way.
Drag queens, drag kings.
It's the greatest queer form of art that we have out there.
But also more importantly, every aspect of it
is a fucking sport, all right?
I would love to see anyone's favorite athlete
duct tape their penis up to their butthole,
then do a jump split in stilettos
while lip syncing Ariana Grande the whole way down.
Like I don't think Tom Brady could do half that stuff.
At all.
On his best day.
Sorry, I had to look up an athlete for that joke.
But I stayed on the date and it got to the end of the date
and he asked me a very integral question.
He asked me if I was a top or a bottom,
which is a fair question to ask someone like me.
I'm built like a top, but I'm mean like a bottom.
However, he was five foot four and I'm six foot goddess and
you can't be inside of me
if I can't see you when I turn around.
If I have to ask you to raise your hand
so I don't feel like I'm being fucked by a ghost?
Get out.
- I also went through a breakup during the pandemic,
which is kind of crazy.
You know, it's bad
when in the middle of a lockdown,
somebody looks at you and they're like,
"Hey, we should see other people."
I was like, "that's illegal, but I get it."
You know?
So now I'm dating again and it's hard.
You can't do it.
Like, how am I supposed to go out and meet people?
When I was young, I would worry.
I would worry so much when I went out with a guy.
Like, I would be like, is he gonna kill me?
And now I would prefer it.
Like, I'm done.
I'm done.
No, I'm done, thank you.
I'm all set.
I've seen enough.
I'm done.
I've realized that I have very bad judgment
when it comes to men.
Like, I was at a bar and I see this guy
at the other end of the bar
and I'm with my friends and he had four tattoos on his face
and I saw it and I was like, I'm gonna fix it.
Whatever it is, I will fix that.
And my friends were like, I think he's in a gang.
I was like, I think you're jealous of me.
Like, I'm sorry I have a boyfriend, you don't.
Like, girl if you can't find a man, just say that.
And that's really how I feel.
I'm sorry, but it's a lot of jealousy.
But I feel like we don't see the red flags.
We wanna see the good in people.
I always make up excuses for guys.
Like, I'll go out on a date.
My friends will be like, "Hey, how was your first date?"
I'm like, "Um...
well, he made me cry and he's definitely a liar.
And I think he's married.
And I think he stole $20 outta my bag.
But there's just something about him.
I really do.
I feel good about this."
- Anyway. I got married during the pandemic.
Yeah, I got married for the same reason
that I voted for Biden.
I was tired.
Just wanted to make a smart decision.
Wasn't a passion vote.
People always get sad at the end of that.
I guess it makes it sound like I don't love my husband.
I love my husband,
but I had been dating in New York City for 15 years.
So I'm basically a rescue dog.
I'm like, just don't hit me and let's lie down.
You don't have a job? I don't care.
If you own a blanket, I'll spend my life with you.
That's where I'm at.
'Cause it got very sad, dating.
It got worse after Me Too, I don't know how.
I do know how.
It’s that,
it turns out it's actually far creepier
to hear a guy ask for consent.
It's like you bring a guy home to your apartment,
he'll put one hand on your tit and be like,
do you consent to this?
You're like, can you just kill me?
It'd be way hotter if you ended my life.
- I got gay bashed.
I was gay bashed on a date with a woman
who didn't like me.
That is bullshit!
If you're a gay bashed,
you should be with the love of your life.
Not somebody that's not that into you.
We had hooked up a bunch of times and I really liked her
and I was ready to hook some shit onto her shit.
You know, I was ready to...
Introduce my cats to her cats.
So we go out to this nightclub
and she goes, oh yeah, I don't like cats.
What kind dyke are you?
Uh-uh. Like, no! I don't understand.
That does not make any sense to me.
No, no.
Like I don't care if you're allergic,
you take Claritin for that shit.
She's like, I'm not that kind of dyke.
And I'm like, I don't care what kind of dyke!
And we were yelling "dyke" so loud at each other
that we didn't hear the guy calling us dykes
from over here.
So our homophobia was drowning out his homophobia
and we leave
and I notice and he's following us
and he pulls a tire iron out of his pant leg
and he starts chasing us and I was like, "oh shit!"
And I really just wanted to push her into him
so I could buy myself some time and run away.
But I had to be a hero
and save her too.
So I grabbed her and I was trying to run.
My car was on the other side of a dark corn field.
Now, if you're gay,
don't go in the corn.
It's very dangerous for gay people.
We don't fuck with corn.
It's dark.
There's children in there.
But I held my breath and I grabbed her
and we ran through the corn.
We got in my car.
We, just in time, drove off.
He was so mad.
He barely missed us.
He hit the back of the car.
I had a Buick and with the tire iron,
he hit off the "ick" off the Buick.
It just said "Bu" and we were gone
and I was living my Tracy Chapman fantasy.
She should've really eaten my asshole
at the farmer's market for that.
I mean...