It was in March of 2020,
I went to hold an election at a church I was responsible for,
and Sister Chen was elected as church leader.
I felt Sister Chen was of good caliber,
but because she'd just started to perform the duty of church leader,
she wasn't very familiar with church work,
so I decided to stay there for a while so I could train her.
To help the sister get familiar with and master the church work as quickly as possible,
I went to every group meeting with her,
and I told her about some principles of church work.
It wasn't long before she became familiar with all the work,
and she focused on seeking the truth when she ran into problems.
Her fellowship on God's words was enlightening.
Some brothers and sisters attending the meetings raised some questions,
and before I thought it through,
Sister Chen was able to react immediately,
quickly finding God's words for a solution.
When discussing the work,
she was also able to integrate a problem, and find relevant principles to solve it.
Seeing that Sister Chen was quite capable at doing work, and was progressing quickly,
I suddenly felt under some pressure.
I was responsible for her work, so I had to find solutions before she did.
But I hadn't thought about some things as thoroughly as she had,
so would the others find a leader who had just been elected more capable than me?
It was then that I thought,
"No, I have to prove my work capabilities.
I can't let the brothers and sisters look down on me."
From then on, when I went to further meetings with the sister,
I paid special attention to how the other brothers and sisters fellowshiped,
trying to work out what ultimately were the problems with their states,
as well as what had caused them,
and I was obsessed with rushing to solve problems before Sister Chen did.
But the more quickly I tried to solve them,
the more tense I became, the harder it got to think.
I couldn't get a clear view of the brothers' and sisters' states.
Later, Sister Chen's fellowshiping ended up solving the problems.
When I heard the brothers and sisters praising Sister Chen for communicating well,
and I saw how they looked to her for answers,
I felt even more awkward.
I hated myself—how could I be so stupid?
How could I not be as good as Sister Chen?
I felt a vague sense of negativity.
If things went on this way, I feared I'd be left behind in the dust.
I used to compare myself to others, I also felt that agony.
It's not easy to gain the Holy Spirit's work.
Sure.
I remember one day
I had a meeting with Sister Chen and several of the other recently elected deacons,
in which I discovered
that they had not yet grasped the principles about electing individuals.
And some unsuitable people had been elected as group leaders.
I looked at these matters and felt somewhat concerned.
Thinking about the fact that I had been a leader for longer than Sister Chen,
and that my understanding of election principles was better than hers,
I thought I could explain the matter to them effectively,
and this could be an opportunity for our brothers and sisters
to see that I understood the truth and had a clear grasp of things,
and that I was still better than Sister Chen.
So, I found some relevant principles, and we all discussed them together.
Sister Chen incorporated these principles
and discussed what sort of person should be chosen to serve as a group leader.
I listened as Sister Chen fellowshiped without using real examples,
and I secretly liked it.
Sister Chen had been in a leadership position for a short time,
and didn't have much experience.
I would use real examples next,
and our brothers and sisters would hear
that I could give lots of examples and details,
and would certainly feel that I was worthy of being responsible for the work,
and that my fellowshiping was meticulous and comprehensive.
When I thought about this, I felt pleased with myself.
I cleared my throat, smiled,
and then talked about all the various problems and errors
the other churches encountered in the elections.
I talked about them for a while,
and when I was done, I just waited for the brothers and sisters to praise me.
But then Sister Chen said that
currently, the church's main problem
was that people didn't know the principles of electing group leaders,
and that we needed to fellowship clearly on the truths of that.
She said that the examples I had given were not very helpful.
When Sister Chen finished speaking, another deacon said she agreed with her.
At the time, I did not feel very good about this.
The things they both said struck me in quite a negative manner,
and I was totally confused.
Those deacons were all looking at me, making me feel ashamed.
At first I thought that I would be able to save some face,
but I was wrong.
Not only could I not save face, but I was even more embarrassed.
Would the others think that even though I had been a leader for so long,
a newly elected leader was better than me, that I was no good?
As soon as I thought this,
I avoided looking at everyone
and just sat there awkwardly.
Pretty soon, a deacon asked Sister Chen a question,
and she provided very clear fellowship.
I felt like I'd been completely outdone by her,
and all my nervous energy just brought me down.
It was as if I'd been utterly defeated, and I couldn't even lift my head.
I thought about Sister Chen's rapid progress and good caliber.
She was better than me in lots of ways.
I felt worse the more I thought about it.
She stole the limelight completely away from me.
I began to develop a bias against her,
and I didn't even want to continue partnering with her in my duty.
After the gathering,
Sister Chen suggested we attend a group's gathering together a couple days later.
Without even looking at her, I coldly said to her,
"Sister Zhou and I will be visiting another group that day."
Her face got quite flushed and she seemed uneasy.
I kept ignoring her so she left.
On the way home,
I thought about the gathering Sister Chen was attending by herself.
She didn't know that group of people very well.
What if something came up that required mutual discussion to resolve?
If I didn't go,
and she ran into something she didn't know how to address,
would that hold up our work?
I wanted to go back and find her,
but when I thought about how humiliated I'd been in that gathering,
I got upset
and I started pitting myself against her:
"Since your caliber's so great and you're good at everything,
you do it yourself."
And so, my corrupt disposition overpowered my pangs of conscience.
Without any hesitation, I got on my bike and rode straight home.
That night I lay in bed tossing and turning, totally unable to get any sleep.
I couldn't stop thinking about how quickly Sister Chen had been making progress,
how everyone admired her.
If I stayed in that church, wouldn't I just be like a prop for her?
I figured I may as well leave this church.
But this thought left me with an uneasy feeling.
Sister Chen was doing really well with the church,
but she and some of the deacons were all new.
There were lots of principles they didn't fully understand,
which could lead to mistakes.
Now this could be bad for the work of God's house.
I knew I should stay there and help them for a while longer,
that taking off so suddenly would be irresponsible.
Yes, we must consider the work of God's house.
How did you end up getting through this?
You see, I knew it was wrong to be in the state I was in,
so I came before God and I prayed,
asking Him to guide me to understand His will and to know myself.
The next day I ran into a passage of His words in
Paragraph 5:
God's words are extremely clear.
When people live in arrogance,
they always want to come out on top, to be better than others.
That sort of person puts their reputation and status above all else.
When they can't outdo others or gain others' approval,
they become negative, despairing, even refusing to do their duty.
I saw that I was the type of person God was exposing.
I had a really arrogant disposition and longed for name and status.
When I was first getting to know Sister Chen,
I thought I was more capable in work
and better at fellowshiping on the truth to resolve problems,
and I was happy to fellowship with her and to help her.
But later when I saw how good her caliber was and how fast she learned,
and that the others thought highly of her,
I felt like my own position was threatened.
So I started to compare myself to her,
trying everything to look better than her.
I wanted to prove my own capability.
Especially with the problem selecting a team leader,
I wanted to use my fellowship on the principles to show off and be admired.
However, some of my fellowship missed the mark,
so Sister Chen gave me a heads up.
I didn't reflect on myself and I got a chip on my shoulder about her
and I didn't want to work with her.
I even wanted to abandon my commission and leave that church.
I saw through reflection
that I had been totally preoccupied with reputation and with status,
and not at all with doing my duty well.
I realized I was derelict in my duty.
Being laid bare that way was God's judgment and chastisement of me
so that I could reflect and set my incorrect motives and perspectives straight.
I had more peace of mind after understanding God's will.
Thanks be to God!
After that I read more of God's words where He exposes antichrist dispositions.
Amen!
God's words dissect why people don't want to be secondary to others,
why they chase after status.
They're driven by the desire to be adored and admired,
and this is an antichrist's path.
- Yes. - True.
Status is more important than anything else for antichrists.
They never do their duty to understand the truth or to apply the principles,
and they don't care about pleasing God.
They're just scheming ways to lord over others,
how to get people to admire them
to achieve their wild ambition of seizing people from God.
Compared to God's words on antichrists,
I saw that I hadn't gotten to a point quite that serious yet,
but I was displaying signs of an antichrist disposition.
When I saw Sister Chen making so much progress
and being praised by brothers and sisters,
I started to dislike her and to exclude her.
I felt like she kept me from shining, that she stole my thunder.
I was living by satanic poisons like
"Stand above the rest" and "There's only one alpha male."
I was constantly fighting for status, to be first.
I felt like whoever was on top had power, had the final say,
and that power and status were more important than anything.
I even treated God's church
as my own personal arena to fight for status, to satiate my unhinged desires.
I was on an antichrist's path,
opposing God, and seriously offending God's disposition.
I saw how dangerous the path I was on was
and how much God hated it.
There was also the fact that Sister Chen was new to her duty,
so if she had been constrained, held back,
and this had harmed her duty she was doing,
I would be doing evil.
I felt really guilty and saw how I was living by my satanic disposition,
just struggling for position.
That not only harmed and hindered others,
but I could also be eliminated for doing evil and harming the church's work.
Pursuing name and status really is an antichrist's path.
It would be so dangerous to keep pursuing that.
Yes.
I really saw that going after personal status is not a good path to take.
I felt genuinely afraid
and didn't want to live within that corrupt disposition anymore.
I wanted to repent to God.
What was your practice and entry after that?
After that, I read God's words to find a path of practice.
There was this in
Paragraph 3:
Amen!
By reading God's words, I saw that
however great someone's caliber is or what kinds of gifts they have
is all predestined by God,
and it all contains God's wisdom.
God doesn't need us to understand all, to do all, be better than all others.
He wants us to fill our own roles well.
If we can put our own strengths, our own parts to the best use,
He is happy.
Yes.
If we're arrogant and self-assured, always wanting to go fight for ourselves,
we'll just make fools of ourselves and live miserable lives.
Yeah.
I also found a path of practice in God's words,
which is being brave enough to admit my shortcomings.
I didn't have Sister Chen's caliber and I didn't have her work skills.
Those were facts, determined by God.
I needed to be reasonable and submit to God's rule,
dutifully be a decent person, put my heart into my duty,
and give more thought to how to work hand in hand with Sister Chen
so we could take on the church's work as a team.
That was really God's will.
Definitely.
God's words also mentioned
that the work of God's house can't be taken on by any one person.
Everyone needs to work together.
We all look at things differently,
so when we compensate for each other's weaknesses,
we'll see things from a broader perspective.
It's only when we're united that the Holy Spirit guides us,
and we can be effective in our duties.
- Yeah. - Yes.
Once I realized all this, I sought out Sister Chen
and opened up to her about my state over that period of time,
and I offered her an apology.
And from then on, in gatherings together,
I didn't try to make my fellowship better than hers anymore,
but I listened carefully when she was talking, listening with all my heart.
If she missed something, I tried to pitch in with my fellowship.
I shared what I understood but no more.
With that kind of collaboration,
our fellowship became more and more effective,
and Sister Chen and I were closer than ever.
Thanks be to God!
Sister Chen was promoted a couple months later,
and we were working side-by-side.
We jointly managed the work of a few churches.
One day, we got a message from a leader
saying that one part of our work had been really successful.
This left me feeling kind of down,
because if the leader knew that was taken care of by Sister Chen,
maybe she would think much more of her?
That evening, Sister Chen asked me
how she could do that work to make it more effective.
I thought, "This work has already yielded results.
If we talk it out together, it can only get better and better.
Then wouldn't that really make her look better than me?"
At that thought, I didn't want to discuss it with her anymore.
But then I realized I was falling into a state of fighting for name and gain again,
so I made the effort to pray to God and forsake my flesh.
And these words of God came to mind:
God says we can't think only of our own interests,
that the interests and the work of God's house have to come first.
We have to do things to benefit others' life entry.
That's the only way to show we're devoted to our duty.
- Absolutely. - Yes.
I knew I had to do what God requires,
so I talked with Sister Chen about how we could work on that work,
all of the current issues, and how we could address them.
In a gathering the next day,
I gave fellowship on my recent state and everything I understood from that.
The more I shared,
the more I felt that pursuing name and status really isn't a good path.
I felt so much disgust and hatred toward myself.
I didn't want to be reined in by my satanic disposition anymore.
I gladly accepted God's judgment and chastisement,
and did my duty, down-to-earth.
Since then, whenever I run into problems,
I pray to God and really think about what would benefit God's house.
I've learned to pick up on Sister Chen's strong points
so we can make up for each other's weaknesses.
Doing this left me feeling at ease and at peace,
and we're much more efficient in our duty now.
This little bit of change I've achieved
has been entirely thanks to God's judgment and chastisement.
- Thanks be to God! - Amen!