[upbeat music]
[line ringing]
- Thank for you being on hold. How may I help you?
- I was in the other day,
and I bought this '70s mustache,
and it didn't work,
'cause I tried to get a job with it,
I put it on for the interview,
and I did not get the job,
and I blame your mustache.
It's on record.
Your mustache is at fault
for me not having a job.
Thanks a lot.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Oh, no, I'm not happy.
- Okay, there's nothing I can do about that, sir.
I mean, you bought a mustache.
You've seen what you purchased.
I mean, there's nothing I can do to help you.
I mean, maybe you did not put it on correctly.
- I also bought a wig. The wig works.
I'm not blaming the wig.
It's always--it's really the mustache at this point.
Can you at least maybe hire me for a few weeks
so I can make some money to grow a real mustache?
- No, I'm sorry. We're laying people off.
- Could I maybe exchange this mustache
for, like, a full beard?
- No.
No, anything worn on the face or the head is nonreturnable.
It's more of a health law.
- What about a Viking helmet? - I'm sorry, what?
- Could I trade the mustache in for a Viking helmet,
and then I can just go in and take the job,
and go, "I'm a Viking, give me the job."
- No--I'm sorry. No, sir.
- You should write that on the mustache.
It's--it should say nonreturnable
on the actual mustache, written in.
- It says it on all your receipts
when you check out, also, sir.
- You should change it to give a warning that says,
"Will not get job."
Package said "guaranteed groovy times,"
and this was not a groovy time.
It was the opposite of groovy.
- You know, it's not--I didn't write that on the card,
so I'm not the one who guaranteed that.
- I mean, it wasn't me. It was definitely the mustache.
I have good qualifications.
- Well, I'm sure you do. I'm sure you do.
- I've seen every episode of "Law & Order,"
and apparently, that's not enough to be a lawyer.
"Guh-gunk!"
- Well, I'm sorry to hear that,
but I'm sure you're qualified.
- I know I'm qualified.
"Dun-dunk!"
I'll come in and show you the mustache,
and that-- how it really does not--
- But I'm just letting you know
there won't be any exchange or returns.
Anything worn on the face or head,
we strictly will not take back.
- I don't wanna go on Ewedull
and give you a bad recommendation.
- Well, I don't-- I don't want that either,
but I'm sorry,
I cannot take anything back worn on the face.
- Two thumbs down on Ewedull!
You stepped in it.
- Okay.
- Thanks for nothing.
- Okay, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Faulty mustache.
- Thank you.
- I write one negative review on Ewedull
and you'll be shut down by Halloween.
"Dun-dunk!"
[line clicks]
♪ ♪
[funky music]
[line ringing]
[phone beeps]
- Hi, this is Daisy.
- Oh, how you doing?
My name is Spoonie Love From Up Above.
My mother named me that 'cause she was on crack
in 1985,
so it's not my fault.
- [giggles] Nice to meet you. Thank you for calling.
- Thank you.
I would like to take a family photo.
- Oh, super.
- Okay, well, I would like to take--
me and my wife wanna make a family.
- Uh-huh.
- And I would like to take photos
of the moment of conception.
- That's--
that's not a service that I offer,
but thank you for calling.
- And I'll even shave.
I'll have her shave, so we can see detail.
- That's not a service that I offer--
- And we'll have the lights.
- And the light's will be on, and it'll be--
but you've never done anything like that.
It would be beautiful.
- How do you know that?
So you can take my-- you can do my picture
of the moment of--we can't, obviously, get a picture
of the sperm hitting the egg,
but we could take a picture of my face twisted,
and me going,
"God damn it!"
We could get that picture.
So when my babies are big, they'll go,
"Wow, Daddy, that's when you made me."
- Yeah, they'd love it.
- And I would say "It took..."
- "2--20--22 humps for you to come out."
- Mm-hmm. - 22 humps.
- Well, listen, it sounds like a terrific project--
- It would, it would. It would be great.
- But as I said, it's not a service that I offer.
- No one has ever done that before.
- Yeah.
- But Spoonie Love From Up Above--
- Well, they probably have, but it's just--
- My mother was on crack when she named me--huh?
- They probably have done it, but it's not--
I don't think I'm the photographer for you,
but thank you for calling--
- Oh, thank youse. God bless your soul, girl.
♪ All in my mind ♪
[line clicks]
♪ ♪