When I was on SNL
-Um... -(cheering and applause)
I got a tattoo from Sean Penn.
-You weren't there yet, I don't think. -Mm-mm.
Uh, I decided it was time for some more ink.
Solidify my hard rep on the streets.
So I got my favorite tattoo artist
and author to do it again.
We talk about his new book,
Bob Honey Sings Jimmy Crack Corn,
and I almost cried.
Here it is.
-♪ ♪ -(chuckles): Okay.
So, we're gonna start. He gave me a tattoo once,
and now we're doing it again.
It's just the same stupid bit twice.
So let's see how it goes.
What tattoo did you give El Chapo?
(both chuckle)
I had a tattoo parlor that I called Sean's Okay Tattoos.
-Sean's Okay Tattoos? -'Cause they were,
-at best, okay. -Okay.
But now my eyes have deteriorated quite a bit,
so we're sure to at least match the level of the last one.
Yeah. You look a little rough today.
-But are you ready for this? -No. I didn't come ready.
In fact, I haven't touched one of these guns in 15 or 20 years.
-Yes. -I'm wondering if I want
to maybe set this needle to go a little deeper.
-No. -No? Okay.
-Ready? -Yeah, let's try.
-♪ ♪ -(buzzing)
Oh, I remember this.
-That was a shaky line. -(laughs)
Are you trying to do a line?
No, it's the DTs.
Well, how are the lines? Are they super squiggly
-or are they... -Oh, really squiggly. Yeah.
Sir, what's this stuff?
Is this part of the program?
I think he went rogue.
-Jesus Christ, it's Jason Bourne. -(chuckles)
There's gonna be so much corrective work to do.
-Okay. -I'm just gonna hold this,
-'cause you're bleeding a lot. -Yeah.
Sh-Should I put a tourniquet?
I have a (bleep) ring on. I don't know if that's gonna help.
I don't remember that much chaos last time.
The chaos is this...
-I didn't have that then. -I know.
I didn't want to say anything, but you've been shaking.
-The chaos is you won't forget it. -Yeah.
Believe me. We know it's not gonna be perfect.
I live with that other disaster.
-Uh... -(phone rings)
Oh, my God. This is El Chapo.
Are you here? You're not here.
Hola.
¡Papi!
-Spanish bit. -(laughing)
Tell me about Bob Honey.
The first book was Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff,
-which came out last year. -Yeah, but that--
-And there's a second one. -Yeah.
Bob Honey Sings Jimmy Crack Corn.
It's, uh, literature and ludicrous, in a sense.
All related to kind of what's become
a-a kind of ludicrous period in American...
Society right now.
Little small on the...
-Yeah, that's what these are for. -Oh, yeah.
I got to stop by Rite Aid on the way home. Get my cheaters.
You're gonna stop by Rite Aid and get some Neosporin also.
(laughs) Am I gonna have to stop by urgent care?
Oh, no, I meant to tell you that,
when you squint, it looks great.
Let's think about when we hung out.
There was the time that, uh...
that you made Gary Busey really happy.
-That was in Malibu, right? -Right.
And he came over and he's fully bananas.
We were both sitting there and you go,
"Oh, shit. Here we go."
And I go, "Oh, is it paparazzi?"
-And you go, "Worse. Gary Busey." -(laughs)
And he walks up, "I spoon-fed Eisenhower."
And he just-- he says the craziest shit.
These stories are basically a smoke screen
to say we used to hang out.
You'll be out of here by midnight.
I know you have a hard out by midnight.
Uh, so, one time...
Oh, I-- we were doing read-through.
Oh, you did the Church Lady.
-Yeah. -You did the Church Lady with Dana.
That was right before me and Farley got there.
He did a sketch, uh, where Dana interviewed him
as the Church Lady, and you were really good in it.
I know you never hear this in your career.
You did a good job in that.
Did you know Farley in the old days?
-Did we all hang out or... -Only a little bit.
-I-I met him a couple of times. -Oh. Okay.
'Cause he liked you. I like be-- I'm, like, the de facto widow.
He liked you. That's what I do to people.
He didn't like you.
But, uh, he did like you 'cause you're were (bleep) super cool.
He goes... (inhales) "Dude, you're getting a tattoo
from Sean (bleep) Penn."
-(laughing) -So, uh, one time--
here's another dumb story about him--
me and Farley share an office,
and, uh, I had a Playboy out
and we were all looking at the centerfold,
'cause we're all pervs.
So, me, Rock, Sandler and Farley--
we all shared that one office corner--
so, we're all looking at this Playboy centerfold
and we like this one girl.
We-- I go, "This girl's really cute."
So, anyway, cut to we go to read-through.
Farley walks in one minute behind me.
He goes, "David, look-- have you been in the office?"
I go, "We just came from the office."
He goes, "Have you been in it since?"
And he wrote me a note, 'cause we didn't have texting.
So we all go back there
and he had my Playboy out
and he jizzed all over it.
-Wow. -Yeah. Jizz.
Didn't see that coming, folks.
Did not-- Surprise ending.
And he goes... (chuckles) And then we all were staring
at him like he's crazy. And he goes, "No, no."
Then he knew it was bad. It was, like, not cool.
Bad Farley. He goes, "No. Shh.
David, don't tell anyone. David, David."
And I go, "We were gone for a minute."
And he goes, "I can jizz in a minute."
So, anyway, uh,
he goes, "David, please don't tell anyone."
I go, "I won't tell anyone for 25 years unless it's Sean."
So, uh, anyway,
that's more for Christmas.
Uh, I've been wanting to get this haircut.
I can give you the haircut.
(laughs)
-You're not done, are you? -No, I-I...
-Have to cool off? -What I'm looking at
will be correctable.
(giggles) It's...
It's what everyone wants to hear from their doctor.
So it's pretty good.
-There it is. There's the work. -There's the gun.
-Huh? -On that big Spade gun.
♪ ♪
What's up?
I didn't know what tattoo to get.
I was thinking of all these, uh, Farley stories lately.
And then, I've been connected with him
for years and years, so I thought, you know,
might as well just stay connected with him
through a tattoo, so, I appreciate you doing it.
-Thanks, bud. -Good to see you.
And, uh, we'll see if I live.
All right, let's get out of here.
-Wrap party at Sean's house. -Yeah.
(applause and cheering)