In this video you will learn how to spot the earliest signs of an abusive and
controlling relationship that way you can avoid getting too involved making it
more difficult to get out don't go anywhere because we're starting right
now
hi everyone I'm Dr. Antonio Borrello and I'm a psychologist and a relationship
coach this channel is all about helping you build great relationships so you can
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one of the earliest warning signs of emotional abuse many of you are probably
thinking it won't happen to me I'd never allow anyone to control me or engage in
abusive behavior well of course no one would knowingly
dive into an abusive relationship the problem is they don't start out as
abusive in the beginning abusers are charismatic and attentive and committed
they're like real-life Prince Charming's these relationships often begin as
incredibly intense and passionate love affairs an abuser will work to make you
feel so appreciated and so loved that you won't even notice he's controlling
you as you relinquish your life and inch at a time while becoming more and more
entrenched in the relationship abusers hold themselves back until they gain
their partner's trust and love and the controlling and abusive behaviors emerge
and intensify as the relationship grows and it works but I promise you there are
telltale signs of abusers and if you're experiencing any of these signs it's
time to slow down number 1 the relationship moves very fast the most
difficult warning sign to accept is how fast things progress for example he
wants to see you every night and spend every waking moment alone with you he
also wants to get you into a committed relationship as fast as possible and
let's face it women are tired of men with commitment issues so when you meet
a man who claims that you're perfect for each other that it's love at first sight
that you're soul mates and other romantic and idealistic sounding things
you certainly want that to be true and it feels romantic and passionate when
you're falling in love but while it feels sweet initially it can also be a
sign that he's trying to isolate you when a relationship moves too fast or
one partner tries to push it too forcefully it's essential that you call
him on it and let him know how you feel if he's willing to listen and dial it
back a notch there may be reason to give him and the
relationship more time to develop but if he won't listen and tries to excuse it
away that's a sign that there's only going to be less freedom and more
manipulation in the future if you stay with him number two love bombing and
excessive gift-giving love bombing is the practice of overwhelming someone
with signs of adoration and attraction and it's designed to manipulate you into
spending more time with the bomber and this can take many forms like excessive
texting and telephone calls you might overwhelm you with constant flattery and
at first you will not perceive this as bombardment you will initially be
flattered that he is paying so much attention to you it will leave you small
love notes and send you sweet text it's like something from a movie that's
because it is like that it's more fiction than reality and it's difficult
to pinpoint love bombing in the short term because all new relationships are
exciting there is promise and potential and getting to know someone you like
gives you butterflies but what is it normal is when a person is building you
up in unrealistic ways or gifting you in ways that are beginning to feel too
extravagant or co-opting your time because they want to spend so much of
theirs with you while manipulating you to have little time left over for
friends and family these are signs that the relationship isn't quite as balanced
as it should be number three he's obsessed with your social media activity
from the beginning is he constantly keeping tabs on your social media
activity and asking about it mainly who you follow who you friend who likes or
comments on your comment if this is happening early on there may be some
jealousy issues for example early in your dating relationship he already
stopped all of your social media and made a note of all the likes or comments
you made over the past year including time before you even knew him and then
he finds clever ways of asking you about each and every man who could potentially
be in your dating pool again let's examine normal versus abnormal if
he saw a picture of you kissing your ex it would be normal to feel a little bit
jealous but it's in the past and the jealous feeling should subside quickly
on the other hand if he's obsessing over your ex and stalking his social media
and questioning you over and over yeah that's pathological so have you
and experiences with an abusive partner if so how did it start out please share
your experience there may be someone who really needs to hear your story today it
might be incredibly helpful to someone who's dealing with a similar situation
number four unrealistic expectations and shoulds as things progress and get more
serious we see new signs developing one is finding that your partner has
unrealistic expectations and commonly indicates the things that you should and
should not do for example he may insist on very stereotypical gender roles such
as a man should provide and a woman should keep up the house and if dinner
isn't on the table when he gets home there's a problem or he might frequently
say things about how you should or shouldn't cut your hair whom you should
see what job you should take how you should speak etc these are an indication
that your partner believes he knows more about you and your life then you know
about yourself and if you stay in this relationship this attitude will increase
over time until you no longer know who you are
and if you're not living up to his expectation the world is ending after
all you are his world number 5 hypersensitivity and jealousy another
sign is hypersensitivity this refers to your jealous partner overreacting to
little things like comments or jokes or small issues abusers often have low
self-esteem and take everything personally they may be easily insulted
or claim that the world is against them if they meet the slightest setback and
if you would disagree with them about anything no matter how trivial you're
insulting them to their core and calling them a terrible person who can't do
anything right and they allow you no space and at first it's sweet how
protective they are of you and how they get a little jealous of the idea of you
with anyone else but then the protectiveness and subtle jealousness
turns into possessiveness they start to get paranoid and they begin to require
you are always accessible anytime that they text you or call you they expect
you to answer right away they're always questioning your
whereabouts who you were with and what you did and they make excuses to justify
their mistrust or dislike of a classmate or a friend or family member
rationalize their behavior by claiming that they worry about you and are
concerned for your safety the intensity of the relationship starts to feel more
like smothering with your partner growing more and more attached in the
process you begin to slowly lose touch with friends and family and the
relationship becomes overwhelming and exhausting number six
criticism and superiority you find that your partner criticizes everyone and
everything all the time even when he knows nothing about what he's
criticizing does he tell you how much better he could do something oh and this
can look a lot like confidence at first but with an abuser it can turn out to be
ego mania or abrasive arrogance remember this healthy people have no need to
belittle others they feel that everyone is equal and that there is room in the
world for everyone to be great on the other hand abusers want the world and
everyone around them to be perfect but their own minds are a complete mess they
can't make sense of their own stuff so they focus their fixing energy onto
others they want to talk about what everyone else is doing wrong number
seven their blamers blame is placing the entire responsibility for once
unpleasant actions and consequences and feelings on another person or external
event and insisting that others agree a blame or refuses to admit that they've
ever done anything wrong they will always consider themselves a
victim and no matter what really happened if something goes wrong it's
always someone else's fault so they will not apologize for anything because they
consider themselves blameless in every situation an early warning sign that
you're dealing with the blamer is when they are talking about their work or
their career or their education and past relationships a blamer will always take
credit when things are going good and will always blame everyone around them
when things are bad blaming others for their failures make them feel better
about themselves and their failures so blamers will do everything in their
power to make their failure someone else's fault and eventually his failures
will be your fault making you feel guilty for things which
you have no control over if you know AB lamer then this probably sounds pretty
familiar number 8 imposed isolation imposed isolation begins with your
partner criticizing and questioning and making unwelcome your
closest friends and social network abusers will try to make you feel guilty
for wanting to spend time with friends and family for example a woman might
avoid an evening out with her girlfriends because she knows her
partner is jealous and she's afraid of his reaction afterward and to mask his
jealousy he'll flip the conversation towards questioning your motives for
wanting a night off number 9 he is mean or abusive towards others it's not just
about how he treats you warning signs are often obvious in how he treats
everyone else for example the waiter brings the wrong
wine and it turns into a scene where the manager is called someone bumps into him
on the street and he yells obscenities even though he's not hurt in the
slightest or he makes critical comments about every other person in the room not
caring who hears him abusers have short tempers and work hard to hide it from
their partner but pay attention to the way he treats strangers you'll be
surprised at what you'll learn look observing any of these signs once
doesn't mean that you should run for the hills but if you're seeing multiple
warning signs or a progressive pattern develop you should be concerned be wise
and trust your instincts and protect yourself if something doesn't sound or
feel right do its best for you and keep yourself safe of course there are other
signs of abuse that I haven't addressed today so please feel free to tell us
similar situations that you know of in the comment section below that's it for
this video thanks for watching till the end and as always if you found this
video helpful please take a moment and hit that thumbs up button and please
subscribe if you haven't already I'll see you in the next video