a few weeks ago i posted a video talking
about the six traits that identify a
narcissist
many of you commented on that video
sharing your incredible stories of
struggling and suffering through those
kinds of relationships
so in this video i wanted to follow up
by delving deeper into this
and break down the five stages of a
relationship with a narcissist
as always my goal here is to provide
analysis so that we can all learn and
grow from these lessons
and let's keep using the same example of
meghan markle and prince harry as we
look into
what makes relationships with
narcissists so confusing
manipulative and ultimately incredibly
painful
stage one the first stage of a
relationship with a narcissist
is being picked out of a crowd now to
understand the stage we have to talk
about what narcissists are looking for
they're not looking for love or
relationship with mutual respect and
adoration
no no narcissists are looking for power
and control
this doesn't just apply to their
romantic relationships this is how they
view
friends family relations and employees
their overarching desire
is to feel like they're the ones in
control in order to feed this need in
romantic relationships they look for
people that will be easy to control and
manipulate the act of picking someone
out of a crowd is looked at as a pastime
to them
because they're hunting for someone that
they're going to mark as their next
target as we now know this is exactly
what megan did to prince
harry she strategically formed
friendships so as to get introduced to
him
now why go for prince harry well the
obvious answer
is that harry could provide megan with
increased publicity
and an increase in wealth position and
thus power but there's one
other reason and that is entirely
because of harry's personality
you see narcissists look for empathetic
people
or empaths people who have the ability
to feel
specifically feel for other people and
interestingly
empaths fall on the opposite spectrum of
narcissists
where narcissists feel almost no empathy
for other people
this is why narcissists can abandon
people easily from family to friends to
long-term partners
so is harry an empath it seems like he
has inherited his mother's ability to
feel
deeply for others he truly cares for the
causes that he backs and often shows his
emotion
publicly now i'm sure many of us have
this romanticized desire to be spotted
and picked out of a crowd pulled into
the spotlight and made to feel special
it's this desire that narcissists play
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stage idealization idealization or
what's also known as the golden period
is the time when the narcissist puts us
up on a pedestal
and makes us feel special and loved they
do this by adopting characteristic
traits and becoming the person that they
know
we will like and later love they will
cold read what we want out of a
relationship and reflect that back at us
megan did this by quickly recognizing
that harry wanted a humanitarian
someone who was an easy going low
maintenance down to rough it under the
stars in the most remote parts of the
world type of person
which is exactly what she put forward
narcissists will also discern their
partner's biggest insecurities and
compensate for them
by showing us that they see us the way
we want to be seen
in prince harry's case megan knew he was
afraid to be
only loved for his title for his wealth
and position so megan
right off the bat played up the fact
that she didn't even know much about him
that she didn't care what was printed
about him or about his status
that what really mattered to her was
what was on the inside
i didn't know much about him and so the
only thing that i had asked her when she
said she wanted to set us
up was i had one question he said was he
nice because if he wasn't kind it just
didn't
it didn't seem like it would make sense
narcissists also use
touch intense glances smiles to keep
their constant
adulating attention on us to show that
we're all the matter in this world
and under this gaze we thrive we think
everything is perfect and this is where
we start to feel love
back because we think we're getting
exactly what we need in life
someone who understands us loves us but
most importantly
sees us the way we want to be seen now
when we start returning the adulation
back to the narcissist they
love it this is exactly what they've
been looking for our love and adulation
for now and they make the move to make
it stick
by moving on to the next stage stage
number three
paying our dues this is the stage where
narcissists want to make sure that we're
prioritizing their needs and desires
and paying them back for all the ways
that they've made us feel special and
loved they're looking for that love and
adulation right back
as well as intense loyalty if this means
that we need to defend them against our
family then we need to comply
if this means we need to prioritize
their career their emotions
so be it and if this means we need to
cut ties with people we love like our
friends and our family
then you know where i'm going with this
in harry's case we see him working hard
to defend megan from
all angles if she wants a particular
tiara for her wedding then he says well
megan gets what megan wants if he has to
be somewhere performing royal duties but
megan says they need to go to the lion
king premiere instead where he needs to
hustle
and get megan a voiceover job then guess
who's going to win and the narcissist
won't make you feel like they're winning
at this stage
they're still playing to the personality
that they know you want to see from them
so they're not going to convince you to
sacrifice things by making demands
instead they're going to pull on your
heartstrings by making themselves out to
be the victim
look harry look how your family treats
me look how your friends don't even like
me
look how the british people are being
racist look how the tabloids are
harassing me
and i've had to give up my entire life
my career is not even going anywhere
now if we love the narcissist we want to
see them happy we don't want to see them
hurt
no we want to fix it for them we want to
cover them up and protect them from the
world
especially if we have the power to do so
and that's how we're further ensnared
and the narcissist is loving this we're
working for them
defending them showing them all the love
and adulation they could have
ever wanted but after a while this gets
boring
remember the narcissist doesn't want
love and mutual respect
no what they want is to feel like they
are in control and they have
all the power over us so thus they will
embark on the next stage
stage number four devaluation this stage
is
the worst the absolute worst part of
being in a relationship with a
narcissist because it's a roller coaster
there are times when the narcissist will
put us down and give us the cold
shoulder the silent treatment
openly flirt with other people with our
friends ignore calls or messages
and then convince us that it's all in
our head that nothing
is wrong while we're caught miserable
wondering what did we do
wrong what happened other times it will
be great again
rosy in fact not quite back to the love
we experienced in the golden period
but still we're getting some love and
some happiness
but before we can let out a sigh of
relief the devaluation is
back and now we're being treated even
worse this period can last
a really long time going back and forth
between the good and the bad
and it plays with all of our
insecurities because we don't know
what's going on
and we didn't expect this from someone
we love so at this time
we will work hard to earn our place back
in the narcissist good graces
we'll become sycophants because we want
the good times back
we're addicted now some people escape
during this time when it proves
way too much to handle and honestly well
done because it's very hard and the
narcissist will try to stop you
by playing on your guilt by asking you
if you really want to throw all this
away
by playing the victim card and saying
that they need you that they're going
through a hard time
or if they're really vicious they'll
convince you it's because of you
it's because of your behavior if you
stay great this means the narcissist can
continue to feel like they're in control
but again at some point
they will get bored and they will
initiate the last stage
stage five shelving shelving is where
the narcissist stops looking at us
as their primary focus maybe they've
been with us for a bit or maybe for a
while but now they want someone else to
move on to
they could shove us permanently or
temporarily this all depends on who they
find to move on to
megan obviously hasn't done this to
prince harry yet but she's done it to
so many other people like her first
husband trevor engelson
as well as corey vitiello the boyfriend
she left for prince harry
now this can be a very distressing thing
to go through to suddenly be in a
relationship or in a marriage and be
discarded easily but honestly it's the
best thing outside of you walking out
yourself because this means you're free
finally free now the narcissist might
attempt a couple drive-bys here and
there
sending messages like i miss you or
thinking about you
this is all meant to keep you on that
shelf they don't want you to move on
they don't want to be with you but they
also don't want you to stop thinking
about them
i think this explains why megan pulled
out her wedding present
from trevor and got caught on camera
showing it off
this served the dual purpose of sending
trevor a message
as well as making harry feel devalued
narcissists just love doing manipulative
stuff like this
for all of you that have suffered at the
hands of a narcissist you might be
wondering the same thing that i have
been thinking that it
sucks that our ability to empathize with
others could be so
thoroughly weaponized against us and the
answer here isn't that being an
empathetic person is a bad thing
that you'll always be taken advantage of
no it means that people
can use your gifts against you and the
more we're all aware of what narcissists
are capable of the more we can avoid
those situations and even help people we
love that are in the tight grasp of a
narcissist
prince harry is in a tough situation
since he shares a child with megan and
she will always use access to that child
as a way to maintain control over him
like when she took archie away to canada
when prince harry was having mexi
negotiations with his family
just as a little reminder of her control
she has control of her british prince
over princess diana's son while i do
think she will leave him
she will never relinquish her control
over him but
what do you guys think what have i
missed when it comes to being in a
relationship with a narcissist
let me know in the comments also if you
enjoyed this video please give it a like
and hit that subscribe button
and i'll see you next time
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you