on our last life style makeover program
we showed you how to make inner
resolutions by focusing on the one
quality you want to develop well
thousands of you told us in a recent
poll on Oprah calm the quality you most
want to develop is setting boundaries
yep number one number one I knew that
was going to be it because most women
have the disease to please or have had
it in one form or another take a look at
what some of you told us about how not
setting boundaries or not being able to
say no or giving giving giving of
yourself and not being able to give
enough time to yourself is affecting
your life talk about not setting
boundaries I can't say no to anyone
about anything everybody calls me to
babysit but when I need a babysitter I
have no one to call I'm starting to
resent my own family I'm afraid to bring
it up because I don't want anyone to be
mad at me
dear Oprah I am desperately trying to
figure out why I have such a problem
setting boundaries especially when it
comes to my family I allow my kids to
walk all over me and feel like I don't
get the respect I deserve
inside I'm crying out to myself just say
something but the words won't come for
my entire life I've had trouble setting
boundaries and trying not to take things
personally just last month I was
standing at the counter waiting for the
sales clerk to help me when this woman
that's right in front of me in line I
was shocked but didn't say a word I just
posed like an ice sculpture dear Oprah I
have confrontation phobia once when my
hairstylist gave me a bad haircut I
didn't tell her I even tipped her then I
just went home and I cried I let people
walk all over me like a nature trail if
someone who owes me money
I don't ask for it back and if I do try
to bring it up I can hear my voice
quivering with fear so I back off I hate
being like this and I really want to say
well creating stronger boundaries is the
number one way for most women to improve
their lives that's what we've discovered
in a poll our lifestyle makeover expert
Cheryl Richardson says that if you are
not setting boundaries listen to this if
you're not setting boundaries then you
are really inviting people to ignore
your needs right your isn't that
you get that you're like saying come on
walk on me you know it's funny you say
that because I remember years ago
someone sent me a postcard a friend as a
joke and on the postcard was a woman
laying on the ground and there were
footsteps up her body to hear and the
line and the caption underneath read
wait wait there's a part of my face you
haven't stepped on yet Wow and you know
as humorous as that might have been it
really struck me like I realized at that
time if we don't set boundaries if we
don't teach people how to treat us
that's races love if we don't teach
people how to treat us then essentially
we're basically giving people permission
to walk away well yes and so when you
find yourself in a position as a woman
was hanging on the tape where you are
the one who's always babysitting and
then you can't find anybody to babysit
you have taught people to respond to you
that way that's right you notice in that
point she said well I can't find anybody
my question would be are you asking
anybody because usually we have a hard
time asking for the things that we need
or we have a hard time telling people
stop can't go any further or that's not
okay with me
and so then we end up feeling oh where
does this come from where does this come
from well I think it's it's I think it's
complicated yeah and the truth is most
of our parents were never taught to have
boundaries I think if you go back quite
frankly over a couple hundred hundred
years and you look at back then people
had children and children work the farm
so they worked the land I mean there
wasn't there wasn't a lot of relating
between people and so people never
learned how to say this is where I
stopped and this is where you begin and
it just gets carried over that's right
from generations and as women people not
as men people but as when women people
we have been socialized to go along with
the program
our brains are set up to be relational
more so in a different way than men
so being relational we've we've confused
being relational or relationship
oriented with giving up our needs for
everybody else yes and we've confused
being nice with letting people use you
that's right that's right
you've nice is a good word actually to
just eliminate from your vocabulary
quite frankly because that's exactly
what the size means being being able to
do what other people want you to do but
not necessary that's right making sure
you like me making sure you speak well
about me making sure I keep you happy I
don't disappoint you
that stuff now sure says to find clues
about boundaries you need to set
remember a time when you felt this is
good Cheryl up remember time when you
felt angry anxious or resentful yes
those are clues the first thing is we
have to identify where we don't have
boundaries in our lives and a lot of
women can't answer that question so what
you can do is take out your journal and
start writing about when do I normally
feel resentful when do I feel frustrated
when do I feel anxious when do I run to
the refrigerator when somebody says
something to me and I don't say anything
instead I go stuffed the feelings with
food those will start to give you some
clues as to the places where you may
need to set boundaries okay and after
you do that then what once you were done
a lot of people know where it is they
say oh when my mother calls when my
sister calls woman anybody as a woman on
the tape says when anybody asks her to
do anything right okay right
once you identify where they are and I
think that is an important first step
then it's about getting up the courage
to set the boundaries and it's not just
I'm gonna be bold and courageous and go
out and do it you need to prepare
yourself you need to have someone to
speak to before and after a difficult
conversation you need the right language
we heard something on the tape about
well I don't know what to say most of it
most of the time the reason women don't
set boundaries they don't know what to
say that is true when I give them
language to set a boundary with grace
and love you can see a change in
someone's face book oh I can do that oh
it never occurred to me I could say it
that way so we usually need support we
need language and then we just have to
take the almighty leap well I know I've
said this many times on the show but if
this is the first time you're ever
watching the show first of all where you
been first time you ever heard me say it
what I've had this problem for years or
had this problem for years and I had to
start small I just start small so at
first I couldn't just say no I would
have to say I used to say well let me
pray about it let me pray let me pray
let me pray about it let me pray on it
let me get and then let me get back to
you can I think about it for a moment
can I think about it could you give me a
day well and you know what Oprah a lot
of women it doesn't even occur to them
that they can do that and I like that
let me pray about it let me sleep on it
or not come back say Jesus said
[Laughter]
you say
wanted to do it but Jesus this is Gail
in on our past life style makeover show
she created a life map which I thought
was a really great thing that Cheryl had
asked the women to do on that show and
she discovered that she had no room in
her life for what was most important
because she was afraid to set boundaries
big big big issue for us so many of us
take a look at how not being able to say
no and her fear of confrontation which
is really tied in together absolutely I
think for people who can't set
boundaries they're afraid to connect
phobic right right you're right you
don't want to confront because you're
afraid somebody's gonna say something
and then they're gonna reject you and
then you're gonna feel like an awful
person or though you're not gonna know
what to do in the middle of it you're
gonna get all upset and you're gonna not
be able to have the words to say what
you need to say okay so she's looking at
how not being able to set boundaries is
keeping her from creating the life she
wants which it really does it keeps you
from moving forward in your life take a
look I find it difficult to set
boundaries
I'm afraid that other people will think
I'm selfish inconsiderate or just plain
rude
my life is so chaotic between my
volunteer hours my children's activity
Lisa's as soon as it was over I have to
get to cheerleading because it starts at
6:00 my commitments as a cheerleading
coach and just being a mom and a
housewife we have about six or seven
minutes before we have to leave her
piano I feel overwhelmed so much of the
time
and a lot of the time underappreciated
I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint
someone else or hurt their feelings but
often times I feel like I've been taken
advantage of and that leaves me feeling
overwhelmed and angry I end up paying
for it either with my time or even money
I went to purchase a car I ended up
paying two thousand dollars more than I
truly could afford because I didn't want
to go through that confrontation I felt
powerless my palms were sweating I felt
anxious nauseous like I had this
uncontrollable weakness over my entire
body one of my other biggest fears is
making my hairstylist feel like I'm
being difficult I've had the same
stylist for a number of years
and I've always liked what he's done
with my hair but now it's time for a
change and I'm afraid to confront him
for fear that I'll hurt his feelings
I've been a high school cheerleading
coach for the past seven years although
it is supposed to be part-time it's
easily 30 to 40 hours a week all of the
extra things that come with the job the
fundraising the phone calls the
paperwork take more of my time away from
my family and require such a larger
commitment of my time I know I need to
set a boundaries in place I don't want
to continue living with this anxiety
were you aware that it's having this
deep of an impact on your life no
because I'm so used to having this much
stuff in my life that until I did the
life map with Cheryl I didn't even
realize how close to the bottom the
things that I wanted for me were until I
saw it in front of me yeah and you know
I noticed you said something really
important too we were talking earlier
about clues as to where you need to set
boundaries you said a really key word
that a lot of women say I feel
underappreciated a lot that's another
clue if you're walking around feeling as
though you're underappreciated ask
yourself what am i doing that maybe I
need to stop doing and also when you
said I feel anxious my palms sweat once
again if we look for those triggers or
the kinds of things that occur you know
all of a sudden I feel charged up when
somebody says something or when I'm
arguing in the you know with my children
or whatever those are all clues as to
the places that we need to start setting
boundaries in order to have more of what
you want isn't the nature of being a mom
is that you are underappreciated like no
kids do under the kids don't appreciate
it until they get up and and are old
enough to understand what it takes to do
what you've done absolutely and not only
that but once again we live in a culture
that still under appreciates motherhood
hi youtubers I'm excited to give you an
update about our own YouTube channel now
you can find new videos every day
they're the kind of videos it'll make
you look at life differently they may
even make you laugh a little bit
subscribe to the own Channel today and
we'll see you on YouTube