ANYWAY, IT'S A HUGE NIGHT LAST NIGHT.
YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT IT.
EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT IT.
WE WERE ALL GLUED-- EVERYBODY IS EXCITED.
WE WERE ALL GLUED TO OUR TVs WATCHING A BITTER SHOWDOWN
BETWEEN RIVALS BATTLING FOR SUPREMACY, WITH A SHOCKING
TURN OF EVENTS THAT NO ONE COULD'VE SEEN COMING--
BEN MIGHT TAKE AWAY OLIVIA'S ROSE!
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S UNPRECEDENTED!
LOOK, I KNOW SHE WON THAT ROSE FAIR AND SQUARE WITH HER COOKING
SKILLS ON THE GROUP DATE, BUT SHE'S NO GOOD FOR HIM!
BEN, WHEN WILL YOU WAKE UP AND SEE THAT LAUREN B. IS THE ONE?
LOOK AT HER.
SHE'S MADE OF PURE LIGHT.
OF COURSE, LAST NIGHT WAS ALSO THE IOWA CAUCUSES.
( LAUGHTER ) THE FIRST-IN-THE-NATION--
FOR SOME REASON-- CONTEST WHERE THE STAKES WERE HUGE FOR ALL OF
THE CANDIDATES.
REALLY?
THIS MANY CANDIDATES, STILL?
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S NO WINNOWING PROCESS AT
THIS POINT?
DID SOMEONE GET THEM WET OR FEED THEM AFTER MIDNIGHT?
WHY ARE THEY SO-- ( LAUGHTER )
ANYWAY, FOLLOWING THE IOWA CAUCUS, EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED,
IN THAT, FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS, NONE OF THESE PEOPLE WILL
STEP FOOT IN IOWA FOR ANY REASON.
AND THE CAUCUS WAS A SQUEAKER.
>> WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS.
THE CHAIR OF THE IOWA DEMOCRATIC PARTY SAYS THEY ARE NOW POISED
TO AWARD MORE DELEGATES TO HILLARY CLINTON AND CALLED IT
THE CLOSEST CAUCUS IN HISTORY.
>> A RAZOR-THIN MARGIN SEPARATES BERNIE SANDERS AND HILLARY
CLINTON IN IOWA, A RACE TOO CLOSE TO CALL.
>> Stephen: YES, LAST NIGHT'S DEMOCRATIC CAUCUS WAS SUPER
CLOSE.
HILLARY WON BY .3 OF 1%.
OR AS IT'S KNOWN IN IOWA, CARL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MAYBE THAT IS WHERE WE ARE.
MAYBE WE'RE IN IOWA!
( LAUGHTER ) THE CORN WON'T LET US GO!
AND AFTER ALL THAT CAMPAIGNING, THIS SPLINTER OF A SLIVER OF A
SHARD OF A MARGIN OF AN ECHO OF A RICOCHET OF A VICTORY CAME
DOWN TO A MATTER OF LUCK.
>> IF YOU THOUGHT LAST NIGHT'S DEMOCRATIC CAUCUS WAS
ESSENTIALLY A TOSS-UP, IN SOME PLACES IT LITERALLY WAS.
IS >> THE RACE BETWEEN BERNIE AND
HILLARY ACTUALLY CAME DOWN TO A COIN TOSS IN SIX PLACES.
>> THE DEMOCRAT RULES ALLOW A COIN TOSS TO BREAK A TIE, AND
HILLARY CLINTON WON IT SOME SIX TIMES AT SIX DIFFERENT
PRECINCTS.
>> Stephen: YES, A COIN TOSS.
IN SIX PRECINCTS.
THE DEMOCRATS PICKED THE WINNER THE SAME WAY ROOMMATES DECIDE
WHO HAS TO DRIVE TO TACO BELL.
DUDE, THERE'S NO WAY I CAN.
DIEWRKD IT'S YOUR BROTHER'S CAR.
LET'S GO.
AND HILLARY WON ALL SIX OF THE COIN TOSSES.
WITH THAT KIND OF COIN FLIPPING PROWESS, FORGET THE DEMOCRATS.
THE BRONCOS SHOULD DRAFT HILLARY FOR THE SUPER BOWL ON SUNDAY.
( APPLAUSE ) I MEAN, AFTER ALL-- I THINK SHE
MAY BE YOUNGER THAN PEYTON MANNING.
( LAUGHTER ) I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK
HAPPENED HERE.
BERNIE HAS TRASH TALKED MONEY IN POLITICS SO MUCH, THAT NOW THE
COINS HAVE TURNED AGAINST HIM.
BUT HAVING SIX DELEGATES DECIDED BY COIN TOSS JUST FEELS
UNDEMOCRATIC.
SO INSTEAD OF GAMBLING FOR THEM, I THINK THE CANDIDATES SHOULD
SHARE THEM.
OKAY, DELEGATES?
YOU'LL SPEND THANKSGIVING WITH BERNIE AND
CHRISTMAS WITH HILLARY.
AND THEY WILL TRADE OFF EVERY OTHER WEEKEND, AND HERE IS THE
BEST PART.
YOU WILL HAVE TWO RACECAR BEDS!
THE IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER IOWA VOTERS, IT IS NOT YOUR
FAULT.
THEY BOTH LOVE YOU EQUALLY, AND YOU'LL GET LOTS OF ATTENTION.
AT LEAST UNTIL THE NEW BABY ARRIVES.
MEANWHILE, ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE, ONE MAN TRUMPED THEM ALL
WITH HUGE TURNOUT THAT GOT HIS BASE, YOU'RE FIRED UP,
TED CRUZ.
AND CRUZ'S VICTORY MEANS EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT ONE
THING, DONALD TRUMP.
TRUMP CAME IN SECOND WITH 24%.
BUT THIS FUTURE PRESIDENT BILLIONAIRE DONALD TRUMP.
HE IS A WINNER.
THERE WAS NO WAY HE WOULD JUST HUMBLY ACCEPT SECOND PLACE.
DONALD, COME OUT WITH GUNS BLAZING!
>> WE FINISHED SECOND, AND I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I'M JUST HONORED.
I AM REALLY HONORED.
>> Stephen: WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH DONALD
TRUMP'S BODY?
( LAUGHTER ) THIS MAN IS AN IMPOSTER.
I MEAN, THAT IS CLEARLY A WIG.
IT LOOKS LIKE WHAT TOOK TRUMP DOWN, THE REASON HE WAS IN
SECOND PLACE WERE TED CRUZ'S REPEATED ATTACKS
ON TRUMP FOR HAVING NEW YORK VALUES.
DONALD DEFENDED THE CITY HE LOVES, SO IT WAS NICE TO SEE THE
LOCAL PAPERS HAVE HIS BACK TODAY.
HERE IS THE "NEW YORK POST," "CRUZ-IFIED."
AND THE "NEW YORK DAILY NEWS," "DEAD CLOWN WALKING."
( LAUGHTER ) YOU LIKE THAT?
YOU LIKE THAT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THESE ARE YOUR NEW YORK VALUES.
"THANKS FOR STICKING UP FOR US, DONALD.
OH, YOU CAME IN SECOND?
GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT EVEN THOUGH IOWA REJECTED
HIM, TRUMP ISN'T GIVING UP ON THE HAWKEYE STATE.
WE WILL BE BACK MANY, MANY TIMES.
IN FACT, I THINK I MIGHT COME HERE AND BUY A FARM.
>> Stephen: WOW.
I HAVE TO SAY, I CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT DONALD TRUMP ON A FARM
WOULD LOOK LIKE.
THANKFULLY, I DON'T HAVE TO.
IS ♪ GREEN ACRES IS THE PLACE TO BE
FARM LIVING IS THE LIFE FOR ME ♪ ♪ LAND SPREADING OUT SO FAR AND
WIDE.
♪ KEEP MANHATTAN JUST GIVE ME THAT COUNTRYSIDE ♪
>> Stephen: "PRESIDENT TRUMP, THE NORTH KOREANS HAVE PITCHFORK
VIOLATED THE DEMILITARIZED ZONE.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE MEATLOAF IS READY TO LAUNCH THE NUKES."
BUT AS HAPPY AS TRUMP AND CRUZ WERE WITH THEIR RESULTS, NO ONE
WAS MORE EXCITED THAN THE CLEAR FRONTRUNNER OF THIRD PLACE,
MARCO RUBIO.
>> TONIGHT, HERE IN IOWA, THE PEOPLE OF THIS GREAT STATE HAVE
SENT A VERY CLEAR MESSAGE.
AFTER SEVEN YEARS OF BARACK OBAMA, WE ARE NOT WAITING ANY
LONGER TO TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: APPARENTLY,
FINISHING IN THIRD IS A GUARANTEED PATH TO VICTORY,
WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT I AM PLACING A LARGE SUPER BOWL BET
ON THE ARIZONA CARDINALS.
I CANNOT LOSE!
AND I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD THAT I LOST.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE YOU GO.
HOW MUCH IS THAT?
OKAY.
JUST TAKE THAT.
THERE YOU GO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND, FOLKS, IF THAT-- IF THAT'S HOW HAPPY RUBIO IS WITH THIRD
PLACE, I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE THRILL OF FOURTH
PLACE FINISHER BEN CARSON.
JIMMY, WHERE IS DR. CARSON?
>> DR. BEN CARSON IS TAKING A QUICK BREAK FROM THE CAMPAIGN
TRAIL.
HE TOLD REPORTERS IN IOWA THAT HE'S HEADED BACK TO HIS
FLORIDA HOME FOR 24 HOURS TO GRAB SOME FRESH CLOTHES.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YES.
WHEN HE SAW THAT HE FINISHED A DISTANT FOURTH IN A STATE HE
USED TO LEAD, BEN CARSON SUDDENLY NEEDED TO CHANGE HIS
PANTS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT I THINK-- BUT I THINK CARSON IS MAKING A
CRITICAL MISTAKE WITH THIS FRESH CLOTHES STRATEGY, BECAUSE RIGHT
NOW, BERNIE SANDERS IS SURGING.
AND I DON'T THINK THIS MAN HAS CHANGED HIS CLOTHES IN YEARS.