- People read the last text from their deceased loved ones.
Well, we are not going gentle today.
Mended Light.
(upbeat music)
This is Therapist Reacts raw.
Maddie, my producer gives me things
that I've never seen before and I just react in real time.
So here we go.
I feel like I'm probably gonna cry.
Oh, do I hit play?
Should I hit play?
Okay.
- [Interviewer] Do you have texts
from anyone you know who's passed away?
- Who's passed away.
Dang.
We're going there.
- I don't know if I do actually.
- Let me find it.
- This is definitely a real thing.
My mom passed away suddenly and ever since,
I don't save text, I save voicemails.
I always have at least one voicemail from my dad on my phone
in case anything ever happens to him
so I can listen to his voice whenever I want,
because when she passed away,
that was the saddest thing to me
is that I deleted all of her voicemails,
'cause at that time they were voicemails, like, yep, got it,
got the voicemail, deleted,
and you know, called her back, whatever.
So this, I can totally relate to,
saving these types of things.
- I don't have a lot of texts from him.
But I have texts from my dad.
He used to pick me up from school a lot.
So it's more like, oh, like, I'm parked in handicap.
It's 3:30.
And I was like, I just got out.
And then, like, one time I was in the mall,
and I was in a dressing room and then he was like, hurry up.
We're gonna leave you.
And I was like, okay, I'm coming out right now.
- Just these things that remind you that they were real,
you know that they existed.
- The last text he sent me was hurry up.
And then I just said like, we're on our way.
- You think, like, well that wouldn't be a text
that you would save, but yeah, absolutely.
- February 16th, 2017.
- Yeah.
- And he passed away April 19th, 2017.
- Wow.
- There was this girl I knew,
she had a heart attack in her sleep.
She said, where am I picking you up from today?
I said, I'll probably go back to my house.
She said, thanks Joe.
I said, you know, I'm here for you anytime you need me.
And she said, right back at you.
- Just these simple exchanges.
- It's from my teacher.
- That mean this person existed.
- AP photo teacher.
I was in some like 8:00 AM writing class
and it was really boring.
But I saw something outside the window
that I really wanted to take a picture of.
And I told her I was too embarrassed to, like, go stand up.
It was in the middle of class.
She was like, it doesn't matter how other people feel.
Just take the shot.
And then that was one of the last messages that she sent.
- So your teacher told you to stand up
in somebody else's class and go take care of it.
That's awesome.
- I don't know.
It just resonated with me afterwards.
- With my grandma, I used to call her every day.
We mostly call in my family.
We like to hear each other's voices.
- [Interviewer] What would you text her?
- I think the last thing I said to her
was actually something I said after she passed away
'cause I was really mad so I texted it to her.
I found more old clothing I wanted to upcycle with you.
I can't do that now
because you wouldn't go to the fricking doctor.
I got a speeding ticket on my way home from school
a week after you passed away.
I just wanted to be alone from the world
and wanted to do that as soon as possible,
and now I have to show up in court.
I'm not doing-
- So I'm blaming you that I got a ticket
because you went and died.
That's actually really beautiful,
because the teasing and the holding accountable
and giving each other crap is still continuing.
- I'm not doing the greatest in all my classes
but one of my favorites is COMMS 151, a speech class.
I wrote a speech all about how amazing you are
and how you made me who I am today.
But I don't think you'd be proud of how I'm turning out.
I'm rarely happy, and if I am, it's because it's temporary.
My emotions just hide behind facade
because I don't want anyone knowing how much I miss you.
- Wow.
- When I'm home alone, I sit and cry
and think of all the things I could have done with you
and should have done,
but I was too selfish to spend more time with you.
You meant everything to me.
- There is something that is absolutely true.
You never know when someone's last day is gonna be,
whether it's your own or somebody that you know,
somebody that you care about.
It's always best to make amends.
It's always best to spend that little extra bit of time.
When my mom passed away, I had a sister who was devastated
because there were some things that were left unsaid.
Take the time.
Take the time for the people that you care about,
let them know you love them, spend the time with them,
not only because you never know
if it's gonna be their last day or your last day,
but also just because
you'll have a more rich and fulfilling life that way,
even if nothing happens for a long time.
- But I was too selfish to spend more time with you.
You meant everything to me,
and I wish you could have taken better care of yourself
or that I should have known better.
I love you so much and I always think about you, always.
I want you to know that.
Oh, I also got what you said to me on my 16th birthday
tattooed on my arm, so you're with me at all times.
I want you here, but I know you can't be
so just know I love you so, so much,
beyond words can describe.
- It's beautiful and sad.
She keeps going back to how she wanted
her grandma to take better care of herself,
and she's mad at her 'cause she didn't.
Her grandma was probably coping with life
the best way she knew how.
You know, we're all imperfect.
And I think it's natural to be angry,
because in her mind, her grandma's behavior
now means she doesn't have her grandma.
When she transitions to having compassion for her grandma
and why she lived the way she lived,
and what the barriers were for her
to taking care of herself,
she'll be able to forgive her grandma and let go.
And at a certain point in the healing process,
there's still, it still stings a bit,
but most of what you're left with is the positive
and the gratitude that this person was ever in your life
in the first place
- He passed away really suddenly,
like, he literally just had a heart attack
and he passed away.
I remember I was mad because he's had a heart attack before
and he like survived a car accident
so I just thought he would survive this one.
But it didn't happen this time and it was really hard.
I just wish like I could have said like, you know, bye,
like before he went out to the park
or, like, before I went and like to go out with my friends,
'cause we both left early that morning.
I don't know.
They decided they were gonna put him in a coma,
he'd be awake in 36 hours.
And he wasn't awake.
- The wishing that you could have said goodbye
is very common.
The suddenness of death sometimes just hits us.
You know, sometimes people get old
and we see that they're gonna pass
and we have plenty of time to prep for it,
and other times it's just in an instant.
You know, there's that song, "Live Like You Were Dying".
There's also live like everyone else is dying too.
If there's something between you that needs to be amended,
if there apologies that need to be made,
if you need to reconcile, do it now,
because they could be dying too.
You know?
Or if you just need to say I love you or I appreciate you.
Whatever you are not saying because you'll do it later,
say it today.
- So she didn't show up to work
literally a month before she passed away.
And I go, you didn't work today?
Must have been a nice day off.
I'm glad that you're doing okay.
I love checking in on you.
Heart.
And then she goes, thank you so much.
Love you too.
And she always did like capital XX and then OO every time.
But she didn't go into work
so that should have been a red flag,
but I didn't think anything of it.
- Sometimes it feels like he didn't pass.
And, like, my brother has this one voicemail from him
and, like, it's really cute.
And I remember when we first listened to it together,
'cause, like, we found it on his old phone,
we just started crying.
It was so bad.
- Yeah.
- [Interviewer] Do you have that voicemail on your phone?
- Anytime I hear my mom's voice, same thing.
- Hey Matthew, this is Clark, your dad.
I just wanted you to, can you bring in the shot
and the hedge trimmer inside the house?
It was raining.
I don't know if it got messed up in the backyard.
Can you bring in the (indistinct)?
It's not even-
- Yeah.
- It's not even an I love you voicemail
or a tender moment voicemail.
It's like, hey, can you bring this in the house?
But she hears that and she hears the voice
and the inflections,
and she can imagine the mannerisms that go with it.
I mean, the person that you love
is a thousand tiny little thing all added up into one.
It's important to take the pictures,
it's important to save the videos and the texts
and the voicemails.
I have
handwritten letters from my mom,
and notes, like, on post-it notes, like, I'm proud of you
or go get them today or you know, you're gonna do great.
And for me, it's seeing her handwriting.
I know exactly what her handwriting looks like.
So I have those in the keepsake box
and a couple times a year I get them out
and I just kind of sit with them
because I get to feel like she's close just sitting with it.
(woman laughs)
- That's my dad's voice.
I just think it's funny how he's like, hey, it's Clark,
your dad.
Like, who else would it be?
- Like she wouldn't hear and go, I know who this is.
- Yeah, I miss him a lot.
And I wish I had more texts from him.
- I talked a lot in this episode about how to treat people
and connect with people
'cause you never know when you'll be gone
or they'll be gone.
But what do you do when they are gone?
For me, it comes down to celebrating the life
and being grateful that they were ever part of my life,
allowing myself to feel sad when I need to feel sad,
and not trying to push it away or keep it at bay
or be ashamed of it, and asking myself
how can I best honor this person, right?
With the life that I live,
how can I honor the influence that they had on me?
But the fact is it hurts.
It hurts because we care.
What is that line from "WandaVision"?
- But what is grief,
if not love persevering?
- And the only way to live without pain
is to live without love, and that's not really worth it.
We connect, we love, we serve, we lift.
That's how we find our best selves.
And part of that process is losing
and mourning and grieving.
It's all part of this experience we call life.
What a gift, even when it's sad.
Speaking of coping with the loss of a loved one,
I invite you to check out this video I made
on the "Buffy" episode, "The Body",
where Buffy loses her mom and goes through,
I mean, it's a gut punch,
and it's a hell of a piece of television.
And I give you my very best advice on dealing with grief.
If you have lost somebody or you're going to lose somebody,
and you're grieving and you're mourning,
I (indistinct) 15 minute consultation
with a member of my team.
The link is in the comments below.
How do you cope with loss?
Have you saved any texts,
any voicemails, any emails, any letters?
What do those mean to you?
I want to know in the comments below.
What would you like me to address in these videos,
in these reacts videos? What would you like me to react to?
Let me know in the comments below.
As always, keep shining because we need your light.
Until next time, I'm Jonathan Decker.
We'll see you then.
(upbeat music)
And here it is, that "Buffy" video I was telling you about.
You're already crying.
Just go ahead and empty the tear ducts for the day.