Hello I’m from the Australien Government with a final message before the election
This could be our last Ad
Unless you re-elect us
Which would be a miracle after all we’ve done these past three years
But here at the Australien Government, we believe in miracles
And the one we’re praying for hardest this election, is that most of you are too busy
trying to make ends meet to remember all we’ve done these past three years
Under the leadershit of our Prime Marketer
ScoMo
Or as his colleagues call him, “Liar”, ”Hypocrite”, “Fraud”
"Complete psycho” and “Absolute arsehole”
As well as a fine array of Ministers
Like Sussan: Minister for no duty of care over young people
And Richard: Minister for no duty of care over old people
Minister for people who are not blessed
Minister for Saying Labor will Drop the Ball on National Security
Minister for Dropping the Ball on National Security
Minister for not letting this family go home to Bilo
Minister for Santos Minister for Woodside
Minister for Cosplay
Minister for Integrity
Minister for bagging his own state during the pandemic
and losing his seat to an Independent
And of course, Jenny: minister for reminding Complete Psycho to empathise with rape survivors
We’ve delivered on the Economy
Unemployment is down and corporate profits are up
What’s that, you can’t afford food, fuel and rent due to the rising cost of living?
Awww sweetheart
That’s coz your wages haven’t gone anywhere since…
what a coincidence, since we’ve been in office
That’s not a flaw, it's a “deliberate design feature”
That’s not a flaw, it's a “deliberate design feature”: so get back to work Australia
those profits aren’t going to make themselves go up, you pieces of shit
But hey don’t forget those breadcrumbs and tax cuts we gave you
Well, rich people got a tax cut
low-income earners will get approximately…
fuck all
While the rest of you will end up paying more tax once these cuts expire, just after the election
Australien Government: “Putting the N back in Cuts”
Speaking of huge cuts and handouts for those who don’t need them
Gerry got a shitton of your money via JobKeeper
Which is how we pissed billions up the wall and then told you it’s Labor you can’t trust with money
Of course, when we heard Gerry’s profits doubled, we let him keep your money
But if you got some of our way-below-the-poverty-line benefits
we came after you, until you paid us back or killed yourself
Australia
Where we cut your kids’ disability funding without notice
And we pay aged-care workers fuck-all to look after our elders
in an aged-care system the royal commission called “a national disgrace”
But we found billions for subs we won’t get, jets that don’t work, and tanks we don't need
Where we cut funding for unis and schools
Public schools, that is. Private ones got shittons more
Where if you can’t afford rent coz of the rental crisis, we tell you to just buy a house
And if you can’t afford a house coz of the housing crisis, we let you raid your own super
So when our housing-bubble ponzi-scheme implodes, you’ll lose your retirement
So that when you do retire you’ll probably end up being neglected and left to die in pain
in one of our aged-care homes
So as you can see, wherever you are in life’s journey
we’ve made sure you eat shit from childhood to old age
But we’ve also achieved that in other lesser areas, like
Women
We bullied this one into resigning
jizzed on this one’s desk
covered up an alleged rape in Parliament House
exonerated this guy with a sham investigation
exonerated this guy with no investigation
And then failed to attend any of the nationwide protests we inspired
But hey ladies, at least we didn’t shoot you at those protests
This time
First Nations
We had nothing to say about all the deaths in custody under our watch
And said some cringe shit when we should have said nothing
Our history coach was on leave that day
National Security
We established ourselves as the greatest threat to National Security
by leaving you unprepared and exposed to deadly floods and fires
Climate
We made bullshit ads to sell you bullshit technologies that don’t reduce emissions
so we could prop up the industry that’s worsening those floods and fires
Covid
We inflicted unnecessary pain on you by not listening to experts
Not fixing quarantine
not getting enough vaccines fast enough
not shutting the fuck up
"and Australia's taking wickets in the virus"
"ha ha ha"
leaving thousands of you stranded overseas
undermining State Premiers at every step of the way
and then taking all the credit
And lastly, Corruption
We know you’re sad we broke our election promise for a Federal ICAC
But you can blame Labor for that
It’s their fault for not supporting our alternative - which is just like an ICAC
except it can’t take public tipoffs, can’t hold public hearings, or investigate corrupt conduct
Which means it wouldn’t be able to investigate how we rorted this fund, this fund, this fund and that fund
how we appointed our mates to the appeals tribunal
or how we paid ten times the market value for land that just so happened to be owned by our donors
Cool and normal
And on that note, we bid you fuck-you Australia
It has been an honour to not hold a hose
Not hold investigations
Trash your reputation
Shirk the blame
Shake your hands
This bullshit
and smirk as your homes burn
towns flood
and reefs die
Of course, when faced with all this shitfuckery, some of you might be thinking of voting for Labor
Or for one of the many Not-Shit Independents and candidates lining up nation-wide to kick us out
But why do that, when you have a clear choice this election
between us, and a government you don’t know
And say what you will about us
at least you know exactly what massive pieces of shit we are
Australien Government
Authorised by the Department of Genuine Satire
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Thank you
Now go out and vote