Mark: Hey, this is Mark from Make Him Yours. And
if you've experienced infidelity in your relationship, or you suspect that you might have, today,
I want to help you understand why. What might've gone wrong? And I've got Anita Chlipala here
back with me. One of Chicago's best dating and relationship therapist. She's been doing
this for 14 years and author of the book, First Comes Us: The Busy Couple's Guide to
Lasting Love, really important. In this video, we're going to be helping you piece together
in your head what might've happened. Do not take the blame because the common mistake
that many women come to you with, and even to me, is that they feel the blame is all
on them. "I must have done something wrong. It's my fault." This video is not here to
blame. In fact, it's here to do the opposite. It's here to empower you to know what might
have happened and to realize this was a relationship problem, not a you-problem. Correct? So Anita,
it all comes down to unmet needs. The reason cheating actually happens, there's a whole
bunch of risk factors that we talked about in another video. So you can find those just
above and in the description below, but it really comes back to these different needs
that someone meets by cheating, a psychological need, a feeling of some kind. So the first
one, Anita, is about vitality and feeling alive. What does this mean? And why does it
cause people to cheat?
Anita Chlipala: Because I think people get stuck in
routine. You know, they have "shoulds" of what their life should look like, especially
you know, if they're in a long-term relationship or a marriage. And so finding a third person,
you know, can recapture some of those, you know, parts of like feeling alive or make
a person feel alive, especially with the excitement of it all.
Mark: Lots of men and women cheat for this reason,
to feel alive, again, to feel like themselves again, that part of themselves. Number two
is for ego or I also look at this as importance. This is actually less common than you would
think. A lot of women perceive that all it's all about the ego kick and about feeling important.
It does happen. And you see this, especially in young men, I've spent my time around plenty
of strippers who have been guilty of this one, but it's actually not the most common
reason men cheat. It's one to be aware of because if a man is not feeling important
in his life or wants a bigger ego kick, he will go for it. But Anita, tell us about number
three, which is really important.
Anita Chlipala: Yeah. I mean that excitement, that thrill,
you know, when I map out why people cheat, a lot of them do bring that up. That it was
the novelty. Yeah. The thrill, the kind of like chase, right. And again, in a long-term
relationship, infatuation has probably faded, and so you're not going to have that same
kind of spiciness as you have with someone when you're cheating. Yeah.
Mark: Number four is about the relief from loneliness.
So whether you want to call it connection or love, there is a craving for intimacy there
that can lead a man or a woman of course, to cheat in his or her relationship. That
connection gets fantasized about for a while. And as we've talked about in some of our other
videos, if these things don't get brought up, if there's not that flow of communication
and particularly difficult communication, this is one of those key needs that a man
or a woman can really find himself going off to infidelity. Number five is a big one, and
I know it's one, you said, you see heaps. It's not sex, but sexual expression,
what does it mean? What's the difference?
Anita Chlipala: Yeah. I think I hear often from women is,
"Oh, a guy just wanted the sex," you know? And I think that, it's that. Yeah. I mean,
a lot of my male clients who ended up cheating, it's not about the sex, but it's about the
desire, the fun and the play. I mean, I throw all of that into sexual expression, right?
It's like, how do you want to be sexually with your partner? And a lot of times women
just cut that off in a relationship. And so, again, it's not about the act, but it's about
the way that a guy could be with you sexually. And so all of that matters.
Mark: Yeah. So this video is really about giving
you the understanding. I've got another video with Anita on how to prevent it. Five Steps
To Prevent Cheating. And we're actually going to film one more because I really do love
her content on this topic. And it's so important that we talk about this stuff where we talk
about how to rebuild trust. So cheating unfortunately ends a lot of relationships, but it can start
a new one with the same person. So look out for the follow-up video. Once it's out, I'll
pop it in the description. Steps To Rebuild Trust Seven Steps To Rebuild Trust in your
relationship after cheating. So if you're watching this now, and you started to recognize
the unmet need that was there, maybe just maybe, you can start a new empowering relationship
with the same person. Anita, thank you so much for coming in and sharing your wealth
of knowledge.
Mark: It's all about the understanding in this one.
In the next video, we're going to show you the how-tos of moving through this process.
If you have gone through this, make sure you remember it is not your fault. It is feedback
that there was something wrong in the relationship and hopefully, that's something you can change
in the future. So thanks again, as I say for coming in, leave your thoughts, comments,
questions in the space below. I'd love to hear them. What do you think about this content?
What do you think about this video? Put them all in the space below. Give the video a big
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notifications, and we will see you in the next video.