Kevin Hart: I HAD AN IMAGINARY FRIEND--
EVERYBODY HAD IMAGINARY FRIENDS, THOUGH.
WHEN YOU WERE A KID, EVERYBODY HAD IMAGINARY FRIEND.
THEY DID.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T THINK PARENTS SHOULD ALLOW THEIR KIDS TO HAVE
IMAGINARY FRIENDS.
I DON'T BECAUSE THAT JUST MEANS THAT YOUR CHILD IS A STEP CLOSER
TO BEING CRAZY.
IT DOES.
THAT'S ALL IT MEANS.
IT MEANS YOUR CHILD IS ONE STEP CLOSER TO LOSING HIS DAMN
MIND.
HONESTLY, THIS IS WHY I THINK BLACK PEOPLE AND WHITE PEOPLE--
THIS IS WHAT I THINK WE'RE DIFFERENT AT.
I DO.
I THINK WE'RE ALL REALLY DIFFERENT HERE.
BECAUSE WHITE PEOPLE-- WHEN THEIR KIDS HAVE IMAGINARY
FRIENDS THEY GO ALONG WITH IT.
THEY THINK HE'S SPECIAL.
HE'S IMAGINATIVE.
HE'S GONNA BE SOMEBODY.
YEAH.
[LAUGHTER] BLACK PEOPLE, IT'S NOT THE
THING-- IT'S NOT THE SAME.
WE THINK HE'S STUPID THAT'S ALL.
THERE'S NO GAME AT ALL.
WE THINK HE'S DUMB.
[LAUGHTER] WHITE PEOPLE PLAY, YOU KNOW?
LITTLE BOY WILL COME OUT.
"HEY, MOMMY, LOOK WHAT ANDY'S DOING.
LOOK WHAT ANDY'S DOING."
[LAUGHTER] "WELL, WHERE-- WHERE IS HE,
HONEY, I DON'T SEE HIM.
IS HE HIDING FROM ME?
I DON'T-- [LAUGHTER]
I DON'T THINK HE WANTS TO PLAY WITH ME.
WHERE-- WHERE IS HE?" [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
"YOU CAN'T SEE HIM, BECAUSE HE'S ON YOUR BACK, MOMMY."
"OH, MY GOD, OH.
OH, MY GOD, HE'S HEAVY.
WOW, LOOK.
I CAN-- I CAN BARELY STAND UP.
LOOK AT MY LEGS SHAKING.
OH, MY GOD, HE'S-- HE'S SO HEAVY.
IS HE HUNGRY, HONEY?
LET'S FEED HIM BROWNIES.
LET'S GO FEED HIM."
[LAUGHTER] THE MOM BAKES BROWNIES, COMES
OUT AND FEEDS HIM.
"HERE, DOES HE LIKE THEM?" THEY'RE FALLING ON THE FLOOR.
[THUMPING SOUND] [LAUGHTER]
"HE LOVES THEM, MOMMY.
HE LIKES THEM.
IT'S GREAT."
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU SAY.
ANY TIME I A CHILD COMES AT YOU AND STARES AT YOU WITHOUT
BLINKING, GET THE HELL OUT THE HOUSE.
SOMETHING GETTING READY TO HAPPEN.
HE GOT A BOMB OR SOMETHING IN THERE.
RUN.
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
BUT IT DOESN'T HAPPEN THE SAME WITH BLACK PEOPLE.
IT'S NOT THE SAME.
YOU KNOW.
BLACK PEOPLE, IT'S DIFFERENT.
A LITTLE BOY WILL COME OUT, YOU KNOW.
"HEY-- HEY, MOM.
HA-HA!
AH!
HA-HA-HA!
MA!
[LAUGHTER] MA!"
'CAUSE BLACK PEOPLE DON'T REALLY LISTEN TO THEIR KIDS
THAT MUCH.
[LAUGHTER] "MA!
LOOK-- LOOK WHAT MALCOLM DOING, MOM.
HE CRAZY.
LOOK AT HIM, PLAYING HIS STUFF.
LOOK HOW CRAZY HE IS."
[LAUGHTER] "WELL, WHERE--
WELL, WHERE THE HELL IS MALCOLM AT?"
"HE-- HE RIGHT HERE ON THE COUCH TELLING ME JOKES AND STUFF.
HE'S SILLY, MOM."
[LAUGHTER] "HE-- HE ON MY COUCH.
HE ON MY COUCH.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES] COME HERE.
COME HERE, SPOON.
COME HERE.
I DON'T HAVE MY GLASSES ON.
YOU SEE SOMEBODY ON THAT DAMN COUCH?
[LAUGHTER] YEAH.
I KNOW DAMN WELL I AIN'T CRAZY.
I KNOW I AIN'T SEEN NOBODY.
AH, WHAT'S HE TELLING YOU, BABY?
WHAT'S HE SAYING TO YOU?" "HE'S TELLING ME THERE'S--"
NO, COME HERE.
DON'T TELL MOMMY FROM THERE.
COME TELL MOMMY IN HER EAR.
I WANNA KNOW.
COME HERE, COME HERE.
COME HERE.
WHAT'D HE SAY TO YOU, BABY?
TELL ME RIGHT HERE IN MY EAR.
I'M LAUGHING ALREADY.
I KNOW HE CRAZY.
COME HERE, WHAT'D HE SAY?" [APPLAUSE]
"GET YOUR DUMB ASS UPSTAIRS.
GET UP THE STEPS!
YOU CAN IMAGINE WHERE THE HELL MALCOLM IS, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT ONE PLUS ONE IS, YOU DUMB ASS BASTARD."
YOU'LL HAVE BEEN A GREAT CROWD.
MY NAME IS KEVIN HART.