Hello everybody! My name is Markiplier and welcome to "When Goats Join Cults."
I have to enunciate that because my mouth can't say it right.
But apparently this goats wants to reject the social norms that his family and friends taught him,
and go off and join a cult.
Unfortunately...
Me thinks that I'm waving my hands too much.
Unfortunately, this is the type of cult that probably eats and sacrifices goats.
'Cause there's a lot of those. Maybe. I dunno. I-I'm not in a cult.
But either way this goat is steadfast. He will stay true to his course and he won't be deviated...
Uh...
Anyway, this goat is not gonna make a mistake and end up dead.
Although he probably is because seeing that there's five endings to this game it's gonna...
It's gonna come swift and-and probably horrifying and a lot of blood
"Hello recruit. Today we see if you have what it takes to join the Corpulets."
Thanks Bob. You oddly enough look like Bob. Except that you're more balding, so, a mixture of Bob and Wade.
"Before that, though, let me give you a tour of our headquarters. In the upper right is the Armory, and to you left is the Library."
"Opposite the Library is the Initiation Chamber."
Oh... Right arrow-Oh.
"You should head there right now."
Other room?
"Other room? What other room?"
"I don't know what you're talking about. Unless... you mean- Oh. Oh! The Forbidden Room. Oh, that little old thing?"
"Oh. Don't you worry about that. You must No-OT go there."
Excuse me. A burp came out as word.
So, the initiation room was over- What is with my goyda? Wh-What's with my larynx?
Wh-Why is my neck bulging out precariously on my goat?
Also I- I love this guys little dance.
*Unintelligible noises*
"Oh, yeah. I'm gonna eat dat goat."
*Unintelligible noises*
"I can't wait! Ah, he looks so tasty. Errr."
Anyway. "Sit down at the table and we'll get started."
Oh, you're different. Oh, you're Tim. Okay, thanks Tim.
I... You know... Something about this tells me that this ain't gonna be good.
"As you know the Corpulets are a cult for eaters about eating. To prove you belong, you're going to use the arrow keys to eat as much as you can."
Uh! Timmy, Tim, Tim, Tim. Tim. Is that your box up there Tim?
Uh, Tim. What's about this blood on the table?
"That's just wine. Or, minestone soup. Or something else. It's DEFINITELY not goat blood."
Oh. Well now that you said that I feel so much safer and securer about what we're doing here at the table.
Even the goat at the table just looks like "Oh shit. I know I'm gonna die but at least they're going to give me free food."
"Whatever these, possibly goat related food items are."
"Now EAT!"
Oh. Oooh. Uh, E. Oh, left. Left, right, oh, up, up, left- Oh fuck.
Up. Oh no I'm gonna die if I- Oh god I'm messing it up. Down, down, left, up, left.
"Nothing I like more than seeing a fat-" Oh...
Oh. Oh, I suspected this.
But I... I didn't think that it was gonna come in this way.
"I love to eat. Fat. Goats."
Oh. Oh goddammit!
That was a guillotine?
"Dumb goats never learn. As soon as they sit down at the table. They're DOOMED."
Well...
Ugh...
"A shake of salt. A twist of pepper. Garlic and rosemary. And, of course, roasted goat."
Well. We're dead now. So I guess that's the end of this little adventure.
Oh boy, unlocked ending number one.
What other- I wonder what other horrible hor- Oooh.
Shi-
Hi Hershel. Hi. Hi Hershel. Didn't mean to click on this. I-I gotta go Hershel.
Okay... Hey Bob. Um, I'mma go... I'mma go try to see what's
Can I ju- Okay I can jump. *Grunts*
Ha-ha. I beat your system! I beat it!
Oh! Get crushed du- Ooh...
You know... I assumed that there would be, like, a splat of blood and maybe some guts everywhere
but it's kinda worse that...
He's just there with a slightly flatter head.
Oh boy.
Well...
I enjoyed my meal. Maybe I could eat.
And then... Maybe I could eat.
Can I- Can I still eat?
Aw, but the free, possibly goat food...
"What was that loud sound?"
Uh...
Tim wnated to be one with the box?
"I'll investigate very soon."
Okay, so... Library was to the left. The Armory was up above so I...
I-I should probably get a we-pon.
Hi. 'We love goat.'
"This is the most boring job in the world. If only I had something to entertain me... Hey!"
"Goats aren't supposed to be in here!"
Oh.
"All right. Everyone get in here."
Uh.. Uh... Oh. Oh.
"It has come to my attention that someone dropped a box on Tim's head."
"Tim, are you okay?"
Oh. Tim's alive?
"I'm thirsty for vengance."
"He's fine."
"Everyone, please! We're all friends here. Whoever did this needs to apologize in front of the group."
"No apologizes can only mean one thing." *Laughing* "O-O-One of us is a goat."
Oh!
Oh, it's so simple! How did I not see that? From the beginning.
Oh, I understand your logic now. You are a smart guy Bob.
"Fortunately, we learned a secret handshake for this exact circumstance."
Oh.
Oh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.
"Well, well, well..."
*Laughs*
"A goat in our midst."
Uh. You don't know that.
"Just as I suspected."
"You didn't even try to blend in... I suppose I shouldn't expect much from an animal that eats shoes and grabage."
Hey! That's profiling! That's racist! How dare you! And that's speciest!
"Tonight, Corpuletes, we eat the flesh of the mountain!"
I mean, that sounds badass, but in the end I think you're still going to rip my limbs off and...
stuff me in your gullets.
"Goat flesh, that is. In case you were wondering."
Ah, you see. I was right. My hypothesis has been proven.
You are naked and stupid.
*Laughs*
"And so you were caught. They called you audacious. They called you bold..."
"In the end they stopped talking and started eating." Oh. "You did not taste like chicken."
No.
"You tasted li-" *Laughs* "You tasted like goat."
Ah. This game is silly.
This game's silly.
It's a silly game.
Alright. You are reborn. Goats have more lives than cats.
Oh.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I don't know if that's banging or murder.
I can't really tell the difference there.
Let me zoom in on that.
Still not clear.
Okay... So...
'Scues me.
"Oh, my dear-" Oh! "Montathin!"
Ah.
The Corpulets and the Montathins. I get it. So, does that make me Romeo?
Or Goateo? Or-Or Juliet, or Goatiet. I don't know.
"My wondrous Corpulet!"
"They said we could never be together!"
"Fortunately, they never come to the Library."
Oh.
'Scuse-'Scues me.
"My goodness, dear, you certainly are fur-!" What?
Uh...
What?
"Your bears is white and it smells like..."
"Smells like..."
"Goat." *Laughs*
"Is there a goat in here?"
What, are they all blind?
Or maybe they ARE all blind.
*Laughs*
"There it is!"
*Laughs* "Get it out."
Oh shit dude.
Thanks man.
Take book? Sure.
You guys don't mind. "Stop biting me. It feels like you're trying to chew off my leg."
"I'm not." Oh boy.
Uh...
That *Laughs* "But that means... That can only mean..."
"GOAT!"
Okay. Thanks.
Alright, you get back to your...
Whatever you're doing.
And, uh...
Yeah I'm-I'm gonna go. 'Cause- I-I-Hmm.
Okay, so I've gotta...
book.
So, what does the book mean?
Hello.
*Gasps* Oh you- Would you like a book?
Book.
"Why, you've brought me a book."
"'How to Tenderly Cook Goat Anus' by Ida Wurst." *Laughs*
Oh.
My favorite book.
I remember when my mother used to read me 'How to Tenderly Cook Goat Anus' when I was a young baby.
'Cause I remember being a baby.
"Sounds like a good read."
Okay. Goodbye. I'm gonna steal one of these.
Yes.
They'll never suspect me
Okay.
So,
now...
Do I talk to this guy?
Okay.
So, I don't know the handshake...
But I kinda want to get all the endings.
I bet- I bet if I'm in this uniform and I eat, he won't cut my head off.
'Cause that would be super weird if they did that to their initiates.
But, then he'd teach me the handshake, so I'm gonna
kill em'...
BLAM!
Oh, jeez, it's so violent.
Alright.
"What was that sound?"
Maybe I could finish him off?
Or, eat a bit.
I dunno.
"All right everybody in here."
Dabade-bop. Okay. Hep-eh!
Uh-oh!
Do the handshake.
Uh...
Uh.
"A-Ha! Only goats don't know the secret handshake."
Every other living creature, both living and dead, in the entire universe know it,
except for goats.
"Therefore, logic dictates, you're a goat."
"Logic also dictates, you taste delicious."
Oh, boy.
Well, so close.
"For years, the Corpulets told stories of you."
"'Jiminy Cricket,' they would say, 'he almost fooled us!'"
"Laughter, followed by a wisecrack."
"Don't you mean Jiminy Goat?"
"You might have found this funny."
"If-If- But you're dead. You're-You're dead."
You were eaten. Your- Your anus was cooked very tastily if that's any consolation.
I mean, when I die,
I hope that people say for years
"What a tasty anus that Markiplier had."
"Why do I feel a lingering sense of unease?"
"As if the bowels of the underworld vomited forth the Prince of Darkness himself?"
"The goat is back."
"Oh."
Alrighty then. How 'bout another?
"You have such strong hands."
"Thank you."
"So strong."
"Don't make it weird."
"Strong and sexy."
"Dear god."
"I don't want to alarm you, but the goat is pounding its hooves into your back."
Oh. Well.
"Let's pretend I'm not turned on at all."
Okay.
"Are you- Are your teeth yellow and your lips a pale, sickly blue?"
"You're describing a goat mouth."
"No, I'm describing the mouth of an angel."
"Well I was describing the hands of an angel."
"There's only one thing to do then."
"Do you, marve-" Oh!
"Do you marvelous goat, want to stay here with us?"
Let's get funky!
Oh, yeah.
I guess. *Laughs*
"No one expected to fall in love, but everyone did."
"Love came at the cost of envy."
"On the day they turned you in, no one dared to speak."
"But afterwards, after you had been cooked.."
"Afterwards, they wept."
Oh, that's actually sad.
So, we fell in love, and then they...
Then they cooked an a- Cooked and ate my anus.
We're gonna ne- We're gonna go eat- We 're- We're gonna eat a bit.
"Hey buddy! You want to get eaten or somethin'"
"Stop messing around on the table we use to lure goats to their deaths."
Oh.
Well, uh...
Uh...
W-Well, uh...
So, somewhere here...
is a handshake secret.
I think- I think I remember...
They did hand signals...
So, it might be that the hand signals are like..
a clue to what it should be?
If that's not it I'm gonna have to think of something else.
Right about- Okay... Right, up, up left. Okay.
Right.
Up.
Left.
Aw!
Okay, so here's what you do. I had to look this one up because it was a bit convoluted.
So, you see that thing on the right?
That's not just wall.
That's a ladder.
Uh, apparently. I don't know why I didn't notice that, but,
it's a bit nondescript and everything's pixelated. So that's my excuse.
I'll take the ladder with me, where ever I shove that into. That's perfectly acceptable.
Okay. "What was that loud sound?"
"I'll investigate very soon."
So you have to take it before you go over here,
and then you place it over there...
"This Forbidden Room is off limits to apprenti-"
I'm God.
"Huh. That's a new one."
"You're still not allowed upstairs."
Too bad. I'm going.
Goodbye.
Oooh.
Oh, this ain't good.
Oh, that, oh-Oh, that, oh
"I've got to learn the new secret handshake. What was it?"
"Up,left,right,down?"
Up, left?
Right, down.
"Yeah, I think that was it" Okay.
So I gotta jump on the- Oh I gotta- I gotta climb the ropes of the hung goats.
Not- That sounds different but it's still just, like...
It's all bad, I- There's no way to recover from that.
I ju- Move on.
Up, left, right, down. That w- That was definitely it.
Up.
Left.
Right.
Down.
Yeah!
Oh!
"I'm going to be one hundred percent honest here:"
"I don't remember the handshake."
Oh, no.
That's too bad for you.
"I always kn-" *Laughs* "I always knew you were a goat."
"What? The guy next to me has horns."
"How dare you. He was born that way."
Technically true.
"He has a tail!"
"He was also born with a tail."
Also, true.
"And he has.."
"Silence!"
"Tonight, we shall feast on the loins of a goat."
Um...
Uh...
Oooh.
Oh.
Oooh.
"To Murphy's credit, it took them an hour to catch him."
"But catch him they did."
"Later, nobody mentioned he did not taste like goat."
Also the fact that- Anyway.
"No one knew what to make of the newest recruit."
"He who had hooves for hands."
"In the end, the Corpulets accepted you."
"You lived among them, and you died in their arms."
"Then they ate you."
What, are they also cannibals? Or did they- Oh.
"Because you were a goat." Okay.
So, they finally realized.
"And the Corpulates are a goat-eating cult."
Thank you for stating the obvious.
And that is 'When Goats Join Cults.'
So, the lesson learned here, for 'When Goats Join Cults' is that you shouldn't join
the specific cult that eats you.
Cults, in general, seem to be okay, although they seem to rely on quiet a bit of cannibalism.
But, you know, who can judge?
I mean, to each their own. I mean, spread your wings and fly? Question mark?
I have no idea if that's exactly what the lesson we should learn here, but...
I'm not a good lesson learner.
In fact, I rarely learn anything. So...
Thank you everybody so much for watching.
Please expunge all the lessons that you've learned out of your brain
and ooze them into a jar and store them away in a dark, dark place.
And bury them forever just like all your repressed memories...
And thanks again for watching.
Seh-ay-eh- And as always, I will see you
in the next video.
Bye-bye!
[Outro Music]