RELAX YOURSELF.
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND THAT--
THAT-- THAT ENERGY-- THAT ENERGY RIGHT THERE, THAT FRIDAY ENERGY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S THE SORT -- >> Stephen: THAT'S DEFIB
PADDLES TO MY HEART YOU CAN ONLY GET FROM A FRIDAY AUDIENCE.
I AM READY--
>> Jon: COME ON!
>> Stephen: I AM READY TO CHOP UP AND SHOOT A RAIL OF PURE
UNCUT T.G.I.F!
IT'S NO WONDER THESE PEOPLE ARE SO EXCITED, BECAUSE SATURDAY
NIGHT AT 2:00 A.M., WE ALL "FALL BACK," AND GET ONE MORE HOUR OF
SLEEP, BABY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
WHICH WILL HOPEFULLY MAKE UP FOR THE LAST 18 SLEEPLESS MONTHS.
TOMORROW NIGHT IS THE END OF DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME, THAT WEIRD
TRADITION WHERE WE, AS A COUNTRY, DECIDE TO TIME-TRAVEL
AN HOUR FORWARD EVERY SPRING AND THEN TIME-TRAVEL BACK AN HOUR IN
THE FALL.
WE'RE LIKE MARTY McFLY, WHERE THE STAKES ARE "ACCIDENTALLY
BEING LATE TO YOUR DENTIST APPOINTMENT."
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, MAN.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: GREAT SCOTT!
>> Stephen: I THE HOPE YOU WON'T GET ME WRONG HERE, JON.
I LOVE THAT EXTRA HOUR OF Zs, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT SEEMS
LIKE DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME IS NOT HELPFUL AND HAS NO UPSIDES.
BUT I'M NO EXPERT.
WHEN YOU ASK EXPERTS, THEY SAY, THAT DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME IS NOT
HELPFUL AND HAS NO UPSIDES.
( LAUGHTER )
IS GOOD FOR IS MAKING SPOUSES FIGHT ONCE A YEAR ABOUT HOW TO
CHANGE THE CLOCK ON THE MICROWAVE:
"THERE'S NO CLOCK BUTTON!
I'M JUST GOING TO PRESS POTATO UNTIL WE SPRING AHEAD AGAIN."
( LAUGHTER )
TO CHANGE THE WHOLE THING.
IN FACT, THERE'S BEEN A BILL INTRODUCED IN THE SENATE TO MAKE
DAYLIGHT SAVING PERMANENT, CALLED "THE SUNSHINE PROTECTION
ACT," WHICH, IN HIGH SCHOOL, WAS ALSO THE NAME OF MY GRATEFUL
DEAD COVER BAND.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE GOT ♪ SUGAR MAGNOLIA ♪
WE GOT A RAY OF METAPHORICAL SUNSHINE EARLIER THIS WEEK WHEN
EXPERTS SAID THAT THE PANDEMIC APPEARS TO BE WINDING DOWN IN
THE UNITED STATES.
SHHH!
( APPLAUSE )
SHHH!
DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD!
IT WILL HEAR US!
IT'S BAD LUCK!
QUICK!
NO, YOU I NEED TO KNOCK ON WOOD ( KNOCKING )
( APPLAUSE )
THE U.S. IS TRENDING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, BUT HERE'S THE
THING-- COVID ISN'T GOING AWAY.
IT'S JUST BECOMING ENDEMIC, SO, LESS LETHAL AND MORE PERSISTENT.
AS ONE EPIDEMIOLOGIST PUT IT, "IT DOESN'T END.
WE JUST STOP CARING.
OR WE CARE A LOT LESS."
SO, KIND OF LIKE "GREY'S ANATOMY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I STILL LOVE IT.
I LOVE THAT SHOW.
LOVE IT.
MY AUDIENCE IS ALL VACCINATED.
RIGHT, FOLKS?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO.
THERE IT IS.
ANYBODY HERE NERVOUS ABOUT SPENDING THANKSGIVING WITH
UNVAXXED FAMILY MEMBERS?
SAME HERE.
WELL, THERE ARE SOME WAYS TO STAY SAFE.
ONE PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY SUGGESTED, "START BY CALLING
YOUR UNVACCINATED FAMILY MEMBERS AND SOLICITING THEIR
IDEAS ON HOW TO GATHER SAFELY."
OKAY, BUT THEY'RE THE ONES MAKING PEOPLE UNSAFE!
YOU DON'T HEAR A POLICE OFFICER SAY, "MA'AM, DO YOU KNOW WHY I
PULLED YOU OVER?
TO ASK IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS ON HOW TO SAFELY DRIVE DRUNK,
BECAUSE YOU'RE REALLY CRUSHING IT.
AND BY 'IT,' I MEAN THOSE PARKING METERS BACK THERE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW-- SPEAKING OF-- ♪ ♪ ♪
THERE YOU GO.
SPEAKING OF PEOPLE YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE THANKSGIVING WITH,
WE GOT A WEIRD LECTURE THIS WEEK FROM MISSOURI REPUBLICAN SENATOR
AND GUY WHO'S GONNA PICK HIS NOSE THE SECOND YOU LOOK AWAY,
JOSH HAWLEY.
HAWLEY RECENTLY GAVE A SPEECH AT THE "NATIONAL CONSERVATISM"
CONFERENCE IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA.
IT'S RIGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM DISNEY WORLD, BUT IT'S FULL
OF GRUMPY, DOPEY, AND SNEEZY PEOPLE WHO WON'T LISTEN TO THEIR
DOC.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT MODERN AMERICAN MENS' MASCULINITY IS BEING QUESTIONED,
AND IT'S LEADING TO SOME WEIRD RESULTS.
>> AFTER YEARS OF BEING TOLD THAT THEY ARE THE PROBLEM, THAT
THEIR MANHOOD IS THE PROBLEM, MORE AND MORE MEN ARE
WITHDRAWING INTO THE ENCLAVE OF IDLENESS, AND PORNOGRAPHY, AND
VIDEO GAMES.
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.
FAIR ENOUGH.
COUNTERPOINT: THEY'RE WITHDRAWING INTO IDLENESS,
PORNOGRAPHY, AND VIDEO GAMES BECAUSE IT EXISTS.
I DIDN'T SPEND ALL DAY WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER ON VIDEO GAMES
AND PORNOGRAPHY, BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY.
WE JUST HAD AN ELECTRIC FOOTBALL GAME THAT BUZZED WHEN
YOU TURNED IT ON.
THAT WAS OUR VIDEO GAME.
ALSO OUR PORNOGRAPHY.
( APPLAUSE )
PORNOGRAPHY!
TO BE FAIR-- TO BE FAIR, JOSH HAWLEY IS
PROBABLY JUST TRYING TO CHANGE HIS IMAGE A LITTLE, SINCE HIS
MOST FAMOUS PHOTO IS THIS ONE OF HIM GIVING A RAISED FIST SALUTE
TO THE EVENTUAL RIOTERS ON THE MORNING OF JANUARY 6.
( BOOING ) SO, THIS SPEECH IS PROBABLY AN
ATTEMPT TO GET PEOPLE TO STOP SHOWING THAT PHOTO-- WHICH,
AGAIN, SHOWS HIM GIVING A RAISED FIST SALUTE TO THE FOLKS WHO
SMEARED POOP ON THE WALLS OF THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE FOLKS
JOSH HAWLEY LOVES TO SALUTE.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP
ROUNDUP."
>> HAY.
GRAB 'EM BY THE POSSE!
>> Stephen: FIRST TO MEET LADY JUSTICE IS NEW JERSEY RESIDENT
AND MRS. MAGA CLAUS, RASHA ABUAL RAGHEB.
MS. RAGHEB PLANNED HER BIG INSURRECTION DAY WELL IN
ADVANCE, AND EVEN URGED PEOPLE TO JOIN HER AND TO "BRING YOUR
OWN GUNS," AND SAID SHE WAS BRINGING PEPPER SPRAY, A KNIFE,
AND A STUN GUN.
AND HER SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS CONFIRM SHE WAS READY TO RESORT
TO VIOLENCE IF THE FORMER PRESIDENT WASN'T DECLARED
THE WINNER, POSTING "IT'S 45 OR CIVIL WAR... 1776 IS COMING."
OKAY, THE CIVIL WAR WAS NOT IN 1776.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S LIKE GOING TO COMIC-CON AND SAYING, "ALL RIGHT, "STAR
WARS" FANS, HERE HE IS, CAPTAIN JAMES T. SHREK!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HER LAWYER HAS PUSHED AGAINST JAIL TIME FOR HER CLIENT, SAYING
RAGHEB WAS "NOT PREPARED FOR A CIVIL WAR, NOR INTENDED TO BE A
PART OF ONE."
WHICH WOULD BE A LOT EASIER TO BELIEVE IF RAGHEB HADN'T
ACTUALLY POSTED, "CIVIL WAR IS COMING, AND I AM HAPPY TO BE A
PART OF IT."
KIND OF UNDERCUTS THE DEFENSE.
IT'S LIKE TRYING TO CONVINCE THE JURY THAT YOUR CLIENT IS
INNOCENT WHILE THEY SIT THERE WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS
"I LOVE KILLING."
( LAUGHTER )
FIREFIGHTER NAMED ANDREW WILLIAMS HAS PLEADED GUILTY TO
THE CHARGE OF PARADING, DEMONSTRATING, OR PICKETING IN A
CAPITOL BUILDING.
MAY BE HARD TO GAIN RESPECT ON THE PRISON YARD WHEN ONE OF YOUR
CHARGES IS "PARADING": "NOBODY TOUCH MY STUFF, OR I
WILL HIGH STEP OVER TO YOU WITH GREAT POMP!
I'VE WHITTLED A BATON OUT OF A CAFETERIA FORK.
DON'T MAKE ME USE IT!
I'M COMING FOR YOU, BITCH!"
( APPLAUSE )
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS TONY HALE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I ANSWER SOME REAL QUESTIONS FROM YOUR
REAL KIDS.
ENJOY.