♪ ♪ ♪( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MY NEXT GUEST
APPEARS REGULARLY ON SIRIUS RADIO, AND SHE WON BEST FEMALE
COMIC AT THE LAS VEGAS COMEDY FESTIVAL.
PLEASE WELCOME PAT BROWN.
( APPLAUSE ) >> WELL, HELLO!
MY NAME IS PAT BROWN.
SAY, "HEY, PAT BROWN."
>> Audience: HEY, PAT BROWN.
>> HEY, YOU ALL.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I LIVE IN NEW YORK NOW.
AND I LOVE IT.
YEAR, I LOVE IT.
ALTHOUGH NEW YORK IS ONE OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE CITIES IN THE
WORLD IT MAKES HE REALIZE HOW FRUGAL I AM, BECAUSE I WALK
THROUGH TIMES SQUARE AT NIGHT AND IMMEDIATELY BECOME MY
FATHER.
"WHY ARE ALL THESE LIGHTS ON?
WHO GOT ALL THESE LIGHTS ON?
TURN THEM OFF.
AND TURN OFF THAT THERMOSTAT."
I REASON I AM HERE SO LONG I AM A SAVER.
I STILL HAVE BIRTHDAY CARD MONEY FROM THE 80s.
YOU KNOW I HIT ROCK BOTTOM.
I START PAYING EVERYTHING IN $2 BILLS IN SUSAN B. ANTHONY COINS.
I LIVE IN HARLEM.
( CHEERS ) YEAH, BECAUSE I'M SUPPOSED TO.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S THE RULE.
IT'S THE RULE.
BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE IN HARLEM.
I LOVE MY NEIGHBORHOOD.
I WORK AROUND WORKING CLASS BLACK POOM PEOPLE.
I HAVE JUST ENOUGH WHITE PEOPLE TO HAVE A GOOD GROCERY STORE.
THAT'S ALL YOU WANT, THAT'S ALL YOU WANT, IS A GOOD GROCERY
STORE.
EVERYBODY DESERVES A GOOD GROCERY STORE, RIGHT?
YEAH, YEAH.
IN FACT, YOU WILL JUDGE A WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD BY THAT GROCERY
STORE.
GIRL, LOOK AT THESE APPLES.
LOOK AT THESE APPLES.
THEY DON'T HAVE A GOOD SCHOOL SYSTEM.
OH, THAT'S-- YEAH, THAT IS MY THING.
THAT'S MY PET PEEVE.
I CANNOT STAND A GRIMY GROCERY STORE.
YOU KNOW YOUR GROCERY STORE IS BAD WHEN YOU GO ON THE INSIDE
AND IT HAS A DARK ALLEY.
( LAUGHTER ) TALK TO THE CASHIER-- "HEY, GUY,
WHERE IS THE MUSTARD."
"DOWN THERE."
"WHY IS THAT BABY STROLLER UPSIDE DOWN?"
"WILL YOU MIND WALKING WITH ME?" OH, MY GOD.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE-- THAT'S THE THING, THOUGH.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO GET WHEN YOU HAVE AN INFLUX
OF WHITE PEOPLE THAT MOVE INTO YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
IT'S ALWAYS FEAST OR FAMINE.
YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.
HISTORICALLY, IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY.
YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET SMALL POX OR FRESH
STRAWBERRIES.
YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.
LIKE, COME ON STRAWBERRIES, PLEASE, THIS TIME, STRAWBERRIES.
I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE EASIER TO DATE IN NEW YORK.
EIGHT MILLION PEOPLE, RIGHT?
I JUST NEED ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) I AM SINGLE, BUT I'M TRYING TO
QUIT.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, IT'S HARD, THOUGH.
SINGLE OVER 35.
THAT IS HARD.
SINGLE OVER 35.
THAT IS SLIM PICKINGS, PEOPLE, THAT IS SLIM PICKINGS.
THAT'S LIKE AN OLD BAG OF HALLOWEEN CANDY.
( LAUGHTER ) AIN'T NO SNICKERS LEFT.
AIN'T ME REESE EASE CUPS.
JUST BLACK LICK RICH AND CANDY CORN.
IT'S A TOOTSIE ROLL IN THERE, BUT IT AIN'T GOT A WRAPPER ON
IT.
AIN'T GOING TO MEAS WITH IT.
I AIN'T GOING TO TAKE A RISK.
I'LL TELL YOU WHO INSPIRES ME, THOUGH,s THAT'S COUPLES.
THEY STILL INSPIRE ME.
I WATCH COUPLES, I DO.
A LOT.
I AM CREEPY WITH IT.
I'LL WATCH COUPLES LIKE GUYS LOOK AT CARS.
I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, THAT IS NICE RIGHT THERE.
YEAH, THAT MUST BE ONE OF THE NEW ONES.
THAT IS NICE.
YEAH, THAT IS A NICE RIDE RIGHT THERE.
OH, MY GOD.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO GET.
I'M GOING TO GET THAT.
I'M GOING TO GET THAT IN BLACK."
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL TELL YOU WHO MY IT COUPLE
IS.
MY "IT" COUPLE IS BARACK AND MICHELLE.
YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE YOU CAN TELL THEY
GENUINELY LIKE AND LOVE EACH OTHER, RIGHT?
THEY LOOK LIKE THEY STILL DO IT.
DON'T THEY?
DON'T THEY LOOK LIKE-- THEY LOOK LIKE THEY STILL DO IT.
HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED AT THEM AT A PRESS CONFERENCE AND THEY'RE
LOOK AT EACH OTHER IT WILL BE SO INTENSE.
OH, MY GOD.
THEY JUST DID IT.
OH, MY GOD!
OUR PRESIDENT'S NASTY.
OH, MY GOD.
I CAN'T LOOK AT THEM WHEN THEY JUST DID THAT.
OH!
I AM GOING TO MISS BARACK.
THAT WAS JUST SUCH A WIN FOR BLACK PEOPLE.
IT MADE US FEEL GOOD, IT DID, TO SEE YOURSELF REFLECTED IN THE
HIGHEST OFFICE OF THE LAND EVERY DOGGONE DAY UPON.
IT MADE YOU FEEL GOOD.
IT MADE YOU FEEL PROUD.
IT MADE ME FEEL POWERFUL.
SOMETIMES I GO PLACES AND I SUPERVISE.
I DON'T EVEN WORK THERE.
I JUST SHOW UP.
LIKE, "WHO WE GOT ON THE FLOOR TODAY?
I'M GOING TO NEED SOMEBODY TO PICK UP A SPILL ON AISLE SIX."
THEY'RE LIKE, "WHO ARE YOU?" "I AM PROGRESS, THAT'S WHO THE
HELL I AM.
I AM PROGRESS."
( APPLAUSE ) KEEP TALKING.
I'LL TAKE YOU OFF THIS IMAGINARY SCHEDULE.
EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE BARACK, IF YOU DON'T LIKE HIS POLITICS,
YOU DON'T LIKE HIS POLICIES, YOU AT LEAST HAVE TO ADMIRE THE
STORY, PEOPLE.
YOU GOTTA ADMIRE THE STORY.
THE STORY IS AN AMERICAN STORY.
THE STORY IS A STORY OF AN UNDERDOG.
THINK ABOUT THIS.
THIS IS OUR FIRST TIME IN OUR NATION'S HISTORY THAT A
PRESIDENT HAS EVER ADMITTED HE FATHERED TWO BLACK KIDS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
THOMAS JEFFERSON DIDN'T SAY NOTHING!
WALKING AROUND WITH THAT PLANTATION FULL OF LENNY
KRAVITZES, AND HE DIDN'T SAY SAY THING.
THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HER ALBUM, "SEX
TAPE," IS AVAILABLE ON iTUNES.
PAT BROWN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.