-Yes! Hi, guys.
How are you doing?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, my -- clap it up for me. I'm in love...
[ Audience cheers ]
...with myself! Yes!
[ Cheers and applause ] Oh my God, I'm so happy.
I -- like, I love all my shortcomings
and everything like that. Like, I'm petty as hell.
[ Laughter ]
This how petty I am.
Me and my roommate are fighting right now.
And when I left the house,
I took the Amazon Fire Stick remote with me.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm rude. [ Laughs ]
She's on the last episode of "The Handmaid's Tale."
She is pissed!
[ Laughter ]
You will not know Offred's fate until this fight is over.
[ Light laughter ]
I'm also angry. That's fine.
I'm a black female in America over 30.
I earned it.
[ Light laughter ]
But it comes out when it shouldn't sometimes.
Like, I was recently in D.C. at the American History Museum.
Which I thought going in was the Natural History Museum.
So you can imagine my confusion.
I was like, "Presidents ain't natural!"
[ Laughter ]
So I walked to the help desk.
It was me and another female friend of mine.
And there was a nice white guy there.
He was jovial. And --
[ Laughter ]
He was like, "What can I help you ladies with?"
I was like, "we've never been here before.
What should we see?"
And he was like, "You two ladies
should see the First Ladies' exhibit."
Because that's what ladies like, right?
Things about ladies.
[ Laughter ]
Rage.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I was pissed!
I was, like [Jamaican accent] "What the bumbaclot BS?!"
[ Normal voice ] I'm not even Jamaican, okay?
[ Laughter ]
I switched cultures with my rage,
and then, fine, I was like, "All right, whatever,
I guess I got to go see this."
[ Light laughter ]
So I went up there,
and I saw Michelle Obama's first inaugural gown.
And I was like, "This is exactly what I wanted to see!"
[ Laughter ]
I was taking pictures with the dress.
[ Laughter ]
He knew I wanted to see some dresses. Whatever.
[ Laughter ]
I also know that I'm angry -- When angry and petty meet,
that's something that I call panger.
For example, I don't like my little cousin
because she owes me 30 bucks. [ Light laughter ]
I know that's petty, but I lent her the money for alcohol,
not for, like, a college application. You know?
It's like, "I'm gonna need that back."
I'm a road comic. 30 bucks?
That three Lincoln Tunnels off peak on an E-ZPass.
All right, people? [ Laughter ]
So I let some time go by. Sent her a text message.
I was like, "What's up with that $30?"
[ Light laughter ]
Her response was -- "ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
She's 19, so she type 95 M's.
"Ummmmm, you need to get your life together
if you're asking me about 30 bucks."
[ Audience "oohs" ]
Rage, once again.
[ Laughter ]
I didn't even see red. I saw fuchsia, okay?
We're not in primary colors anymore.
I was so mad.
And the part that hurt me about it was that
I was 9 years old when she was born.
Her mother was a teenager, and she used to leave her with me.
And it's just like, "Girl, I could have killed you."
[ Laughter ]
Had your life in my hands a myriad of times.
Now you owe me 30 bucks.
I don't know how to feel about that.
Her mother was 17, so she'd come home yelling at me.
"Why'd you forget to change my baby?"
Probably because I'm 9.
[ Laughter ]
You know what else I forgot to do today?
Wipe my own ass.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'm 9 years old.
I wasn't thinking about changing babies.
I was daydreaming about diving into a room
full of gold coins because I was watching "Duck Tales."
Life is a like a hurricane. [ Laughter ]
Some '80s babies in the house.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, you're right, since we're talking about stuff I didn't do.
You're right, I didn't change her.
But I also didn't kill her. Why is nobody bringing that up?
[ Laughter ]
You left a newborn with a 9-year-old for hours.
She's still alive. I don't get no points for that?
Whatever. [ Light laughter ]
And I did feed her.
So we all know babies, right?
Three things you got to do with babies.
Feed them, change them, don't kill them.
Those are the three things you got to do with babies.
I was 9 years old.
I was, like, two out of three ain't bad for a 9-year-old.
[ Laughter ]
Two out of three.
Also why you don't leave your newborn with a 9-year-old.
I don't feel bad about that joke 'cause I paid 30 bucks for it.
All right? My name is Joyelle.
Thank you guys for listening to me.
[ Cheers and applause ]