We've talked a lot about parenting here
on the channel. But how do you get your
husband to do chores without nagging?
Let's get into that today.
Nobody likes a nag.
Nobody likes to be a nag either. So, this
is pretty important. There's a paradox.
And I think if we start with that it's
going to really help. The paradox has to
do with the energy or the fuel or the
currency that set you up to create
something better in your life. We go
through at least two processes all the
time in our mind, so a quick review of
the positive psychology model, is that we
always evaluate what it is. You can't
turn this off.
You're constantly judging. Notice that
you're doing it. Now, that might be
positive, it might be negative. But it's
something that our mind has to do. We
take what we've got and we judge it.
We're asking, "Is this good? Or is this bad?"
Uhm, "Am I lucky or unlucky? Is this fortunate
or unfortunate?" I don't know, I'll check.
And then our mind gets busy checking. So,
check it out with your spouse. You are
constantly judging, aren't you? Yeah and
it's not a bad thing. Just want you to
notice that you're doing it. Now, what if
you start with a negative judgment? "Ooh,
this isn't good. He's not doing what I
want him to do. Ooh, she's not filling my
expectations." Whatever it is. That
judgment creates a negative energy. And
consider for a moment how you feel
when someone else is judging you. It
doesn't feel good and how likely are you
to do something productive when
someone's judging you in a negative way?
You're more likely to be defensive or to
resist what it is that they want
you to do in the first place.
So, with that in mind,
we have to start with a positive
judgment. So, I'm going to give you 5
steps here. Step 1 is start with
gratitude. When you start with gratitude,
you're giving a positive judgment to
what it is. So, you focus on what's going
well, on what you like, on what he is
doing well already. Focus on that first.
This turns on the power or gives it the
fuel or the currency to move into that
improvement that you're really hoping
for. And they'll get behind your
improvement all day long. We're taking
you out of the nagging seat and putting
you into the appreciation seat. Which
he's really going to love. So, start with
gratitude. Step number 2. Now, this might
seem like overkill. But just hang with me
for a minute. You're going to send the
message that your life is better because
he's in it. Send the message. He really
wants to be your hero. I haven't
interviewed all the husbands out there
and I know there's probably some
exceptions. But the really good
probability is that your husband really
wants you to be happy. He wants you to be
pleased with him. He wants to know that
he's your Superman, that he's your hero.
That your life is better because he's in
it. See, this follows up on step number
1 because it's... What we're doing is
we're powering up. We're fueling up, we're
giving the currency to what we
ultimately want to see happen. So, it
might seem a little counter-intuitive at
first or like... You know what? In fact, a
lot of spouses have talked to me and
they've said, "Well, if I tell him that
everything's good then he won't do
anything better." Not true.
In fact, he's more likely to make
improvements when you affirm and
reinforce the good that he's already
doing. Trust me on this. I know a lot of
husbands. I am a husband. I kind of know
how they think. So, trust me on this. You
start with this positive stuff. So, we've
got the gratitude, you send the message
that your life is better because he's in
it. Now, the third thing that we want to
do is to start painting a picture. We
want to create a vision. So, step number
3. Share your vision. There's a lot of
really great ways to do this. You start
to picture yourself. What it is that
you want to have happen? What will this
look like when the improvement is made?
So, you might for example, say to your
husband, "Honey, I was just picturing what
this room would feel like if everything
were in its place. If it were just neat
and clean. I'm picturing that in my mind."
You share your vision. Now, how you do
this depends on you and your personality
and all of the specifics of your own
situation. But you want to create this
picture. You can make a vision board, for
example. You've probably heard about
these in other places and you can look
that up on YouTube. Creating a vision
board is where you actually make images
that you can hang on a board or a wall
that show what your vision is. If we're
talking about a household chores or
cleanliness or whatever it is, you get
you get images and pictures that you
hang it up. You're not even going to throw
it in his face. You're creating this for
you. But this is a way that you can share
your vision. So, that's step number 3.
Share your vision. Step number 4. Now,
this one has to do with husband
psychology. This is something that
brilliant women for years have figured
out. You want to ask for his opinion. Ask
for his input.
This is kind of a sneaky way of getting
around to helping him feel like this was
his idea. And most of us husbands are
just prideful enough to really want to
be the ones who came up with the
brilliant idea, right? There's an
excellent example of this in the movie,
"My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Do you remember
that one? Where the women are
collaborating to try to figure out how
to accomplish something they really want
to do. And they have this brilliant idea
that they're going to come together, have
a conversation with the man in which
he's going to discover that it's his
brilliant idea. That, it's funny, okay? But
it's painfully true as well. If you can
help him to feel like it's his idea, so
you're asking for his input. "Honey. what
do you think?" You know, What
would you suggest that we might be able
to do that would accomplish this vision
that you've already shared in step
number 3. And this brings me to the
final step. Step number 5. Here's the
bottom line. Men and women are different,
Alright?
I know it's 2018 and we're trying to be
really politically correct and we want
to have equality and... Okay, that's all
fine and I'm all for that. There's still
some fundamental differences in the way
that men think and the way that women
think. We base a lot of our humor on this.
There's some science around it. And it's
not good or bad, it's not better or worse.
It's simply different. And one of the
consistent things that we find, and this
is going to strike you as brilliant, I
know. Men are not good mind reader's.
We're trying, okay? But no. We're not very
good at it. So, step number 5 is to
make a specific request. Go ahead and say
it.
Now, I know it would just be so nice if
he would just come up with it on his own
and where... The other steps are to kind of
try to lead to that. But if you want your
husband to help out around the house or
if you want
to perform a certain task or if it would
really be awesome for you if he would
whatever, fill in the blanks. Then just
give him a road map. Let him know very
specifically what your request is. And
he's actually going to appreciate this
especially if you're leading with all
those positive steps that we just talked
about. Let him know that you're grateful
and that he's your hero and you paint
the vision for him and you ask for his
input. You do all of those other steps.
And then you make a very specific
request. "Honey, it would be really nice
for me if you would." And then you'll let
him know. Just come out with it. Alright?
Not in a bossy, naggy sort of a way. But
in fact, they kind of like that way of
framing it. "You know it would be really
great for me if or I would think it is
so awesome if you..." And then just be
specific about it. If you would do the
dishes tonight. That would be so awesome
for me. You would be my hero, it would be
fabulous.
However you want to make that specific
request but just go ahead and articulate
it. Because we really aren't very good
mind reader's. There's a whole playlist
here and Live on Purpose TV about
positive relationship resources. Check
that out.