It’s PSG vs Barcelona, alternative commentary...
With me, Luis Suarez - a Barcelona legend!
And me, Philippe Coutinho...
- Not a Barcelona legend! - What?
And that is precisely why I’m replacing you with… ...Neymar Junior!
- Sorry Philippe! - Here we go!
And we’re off!
Poundland Neymar is through on goal… he sho... oots! - Holy sh**!
- Great shot Ousmane! - Thanks!
- Keep it up! - I will!
Impartial commentary, you just love to hear it...
My best friend at Barcelona - who didn’t sell out and move to PSG like some people - looks for a pass…
French Dan James is through again!
- Miss Ousmane! - I think he’s a Mr.
- Yes! Great shot Ousmane! - Thanks!
- Keep it up! - I will!
Some American kid with a face that makes me look like prime-David Beckham is in!
- Saved! - What a save from Gaylord Navas!
What a game he’s having!
It’s nice to see it isn’t just Barcelona who let their best players leave for next to nothing...
French Stewart Downing is in again... Messi! Oh... He can’t reach it!
Nice pass Ousmane!
- Thanks! - Keep it up!
I will! If only Lionel had taken more growth hormones as a kid, he would have reached that...
Ow! Sorry, Lionel
Here comes Mbappe… But he’s been slapped in the face by Mingueza!
Ohh! The dark arts!
Keep your hands off my BFF, you Antoine Griezmann wannabe!
Antoine Griezmann wanna be? I don’t know what you mean…
Mbappe crosses it in…
Aaaaaaahahargh!
Mauro Icardi! What a performance! Guaranteed penalty!
- That’s never a penalty! - Yes it is!
No it isn't - It was an accident!
- Did you know the referee is English, right? - Oh, It’s a penalty...
Here comes BFF… GOAL!
- Who on earth is he blowing kisses too? - Me! His BFF and football idol! Thanks Kylian!
That’s for you Erling haaland! I saw you score a penalty last night. Thanks for the free motivation!
F*** you Kylian!
French Gervinho is in again! French Gervinho’s missed again!
- Great shot Ousmane! - Thanks!
- Keep it up! - I will!
Is that Ousmane Dembele or someone from the make-a-wish foundation?
- What was that? - Er, nothing!
Messi has the ball... Golazooo...
Hey hey Messi!
I wanna know how you scored that goal!
- Me too! I could do with a few pointers - It was a total fluke!
Oh look at this, some crazy homeless guy has ran onto the pitch…
- Oh, apologies, it’s Antoine Griezmann - Are you sure it isn’t Mingueza?
- Foul! - Simulation! Simulation!
- He’s given the penalty! - F*** you english referees!
If Messi scores this, the comeback is on…
- Hurry up! - Shut up!
- You’re going to miss anyway! - Shut up!
- It’s saved! - Told you!
- Surely Veratti is encroaching there? - Veratti definitely is encroaching there...
- Then it should be retaken! - It should be if the referee wasn’t English...
- VAR REVIEW - And if the VAR operator wasn’t Cristiano Ronaldo....
- What?! - NO ENCROACHMENT
And the halftime whistle goes!
And now for all the highlights from the second half!
And the final whistle goes!
Messi and Ronaldo are both out of the Champions League!
But PSG are very much in! Everyone here wishes them the best of luck in the next round!
And everyone wishes Phil Coutinho a speedy recovery from his broken back…
...broken neck, broken skull, broken pelvis, broken ribs, punctured lungs and shattered knee-caps...
Adios!