Hey guys, it's me Chaseypoo! Today
I'm going to be talking to you about transition doubts.
So the reason why I'm talking about this, is because a lot of people have actually been asking me to talk about this topic and
I have talked about this in the past, but I want to revisit it,
you know. This is like, its new. I can, like, talk about other things
now, that might be relevant to the topic and today. I don't know, whatever. So, anyways transition doubts, basically.
The way that I want to approach this, is kind of a way where, like, if you are trans
And you're watching this, you don't feel so alone, because it's okay to have doubts. Spoiler alert
And if you're not trans and your cis - You're just watching this and you're- You're like
"Trans people will regret their decisions, because if you have doubts, then you're not transgender."
So, those are kind of, like, the approach that I'm thinking up in my head right now
So, like I said, spoiler alert
You are able to be trans and transition if you have doubts about transition.
And that's completely normal, and I feel like- Like, let me give you an example. So
when I was younger, I
questioned myself
constantly. I was like "Yes, I'm trans. No, I'm not. Yes,
I am. No, I'm not." and because I questioned myself so much,
I was like "I can't be trans trans people don't question themselves this much." I was like maybe I am
Just a weird kid, and I don't know so I'm gonna stop thinking about me being trans.
But those feelings always came back because I can't ignore how I feel and who I actually am inside. But for years the
Constant back-and-forth really made me doubt myself. Other things
that made me doubt myself were surgery. Like, if I wanted surgery there were so many times where I was like
"I don't want top surgery. I don't want a hysterectomy. I don't want bottom surgery."
And- and I guess it also ties into this whole aspect of "you're not trans enough". Like, if you don't want bottom surgery,
You're not trans.
"You're not trans enough?" Like, it's a really weird concept that is still relevant in this, like, community or prevalent.
That's the word I'm looking for. But in terms of myself, of my, like, personal experience when I
struggled so much with, like,
"Should I get surgery? Should I not get surgery?" and I never felt
super pressured.
But I definitely felt, like, I need to prove to myself that I'm trans if I am actually trans. So, all of these doubts
were just-
They're not fun, okay. They're- It's really not fun to have these doubts.
But they're normal. Almost all the trans people that I have known have had a 1-second of
"Should I do this?" or "Am I trans?" or "Do I want surgery?" and I think that talking about it openly,
kind of finally opens up this, like, weird side of transition that we never talk about - The emotional side of transition.
Which I think is why this topic here is never talked about either.
It's okay to have doubts on your transition and your trans identity and who you are.
That's okay. A lot of people question who they are and how they belong in the world.
It's not just trans people. But if you're going to go through the other side of the argument, where-
But if you're gonna go through the other side of the argument,
we're like "Well,
if trans people doubt their transitions and their trans identity that means that not transgender.
Because if you're trans, you just know. You now when you know." Listen, tuts. That might be,
like, how it works for some trans people and a lot of trans people and that's fantastic and good for them.
But, okay. It is completely normal to doubt yourself and doubt
your identity. Because, the thing is that I don't feel like people doubt themselves.
I think that they doubt the process of figuring out who they are.
Because you're not born and you know what trans people are and you're not born and, and-
You're socialized to understand different identities and things like that. So I feel, like,
What you end up doubting is,
like, your
acceptance of your identity and
you can't out your identity absolutely, like, "Am I trans?." But deep down inside, if you are trans
I feel, like, there's no,
like, denying that, no matter how
doubtful you might be.
Not to say that people- everyone should transition, medical transition, hormones, surgery. No.
I'm not saying that at all. All that I'm saying is that
having doubts related to your transition and your trans identity is so valid and is so okay.
And honestly, I have been there
I, so many times, and, even now I've been on hormones for eight years and it still happens.
And I feel, like- Like it's a- it's a- it's a normal process and a normal, like, aspect of transitioning
to doubt yourself.
Honestly, I think one of the big reasons why a lot of trans people might doubt themselves- And this is, like, not conspiracy theory. But,
like- Like, follow me here. I feel like there are a lot of trans people out there
who view trans people as
something different and something weird and something that is not
normal. And the reason for that, is because of the way we are socialized and what is shown to us in the media.
So if you look at movies, you look at TV shows and stuff like that from before, trans people were demonized.
We're seen as- as
murderers, we're seen as people who just died, we're seen as sex workers and stuff like that and those are mostly trans women and-
But the one movie that had a trans guy in it, like, he dies
And it was just, like, you have all of these ideas of what it's like to be trans because of these representations,
and they're all negative. Not to say like "I'm not gonna transition because it's too hard.", but I
100% have felt that. That was probably one of my biggest doubts in the beginning of my transition.
"I don't want to be trans."
"I don't want to do this.This isn't who I am. It's going to be too hard."
But then I realized it's not that I don't want to be trans. I am trans and I can't change that.
I just need to accept my identity and accept who I am.
So when I was able to kind of like move those doubts away-
But because of the way that we're raised, in the way that society works and socialization and all of this representation
in the media, I think that we are just, kind of-
We're looked down upon. So, it makes sense that some people might doubt their identity based off of that.
I don't know if that made any sense,
but I hope that it does. If it doesn't, please let me know in the comments below,
and I'll try to elaborate as best as I can. It's just hard to, like, put the words together,
I guess. So this brings me also to, like, doubting-
So this brings me to like doubting surgery and, like- Like, it's not even, like, doubting. It's like- Like, questioning yourself. I
bought my top surgery and I cancelled it. I wasn't ready and I was, like, "Whew, I don't know what I should do?"
Because I feel like I'm not trans enough- Like, am I even trans, because I
went off of hormones and because I cancelled my top surgery. Like, I had so much internal
transphobia towards myself and so much internalized hate and
confusion and doubt, that-
The year went by and I realized just how much I needed surgery.
So I'm so glad that I took that year to, kind of really
process Who I am and what I need and what would make me feel comfortable, and kind of get rid of my dysphoria- And I
realized it is top surgery that I need and I booked it and
Like there again, on my channel, two weeks before surgery,
I made a video called top surgery anxietie,s where I'm literally crying, and I never wanted people to ever think that in that video
I'm doubting
wanting surgery. Because I know I needed surgery and I have been so happy since I've had Top surgery.
And it's changed my life completely, and I'm very very grateful to be able to have it.
But, I
feel like, because I made that video about like top surgery anxieties, people were gonna think that I'm doubting myself.
Doubting my transition, doubting surgery.
I absolutely wasn't. I was just very sad and very, like- Like
in a weird mood, because I- I felt like it wasn't fair that I need to have a
surgery to feel comfortable. Like, it's not fair that I was trans and I was dealt these cards, and I had to have surgery.
I'm terrified of so many different things.
I have a lot of trauma,
and I really didn't want to deal with something that might potentially end up being another trauma, because it literally is trauma on your body.
So, all of these things combined just made me, not doubt if I want surgery,
but, like, be really mad at the the process. But I will say that the night before I had surgery,
I call- I made a new video
and I called it like "Top surgery excitements", where I talked about how I'm super excited and how I-
was gonna delete the anxiety video, but I decided to keep it up.
I'm so glad that I kept that video up,
because to this day, people still come and they said "I'm so glad you kept this video up."
"I feel the same way that you do. I
Feel like I have no one to talk to about this, because I feel like people are going to
say that I'm doubting my transition and doubting surgery; That I shouldn't have it because, you're doubting when really it's not that, it's something else."
So I feel, like- Once we openly talk about this and other people, kind of
experience- That have their experiences, like, brought out. Make videos, blog posts, post them, Instagram stories, anything.
Because I feel, like, the
emotional aspect of transition is never
talked about. And I feel, like, this might be a good way to kind of open and bridge that gap, where we talk about how
it's okay to have doubts and it doesn't make you not trans or not trans enough.
It makes you a human being,
who is allowed to question who they are and where they belong and what they need for their own
bodies in order to be okay. And just a little note here-
And this is for,
like, the parents, the friends, the partners, the cousins, the sisters, a sibling - The people who are not trans, who are watching this video
in order to, kind of better help, better, like, educate yourself on this topic and try to really understand, like,
"Oh, my kid doubted one time this one thing." Like-
I'm just saying, it doesn't mean that they're not trans.
So, I'm talking to you right now. Respect the trans people in your life.
You are not trans,
and you'll never know what it's like to be trans and that's great for you, and-
But you don't know what it's like to live in this body and, kind of, perceive the world like we do and I feel, like-
You will never be able to go, like, step into our shoes and understand
how we feel, but just know that we
really know who we are and we know what we're talking about. And there are years in our, like, of
identity and "Are we
trans or what? Why do I feel like this ?" and then when you see the word trans and you find what trans people are and
you're like oh my god. This makes sense. This is the word that represents me.
Just because it either took the person in your life a long time to do it, like, maybe they came out at 40
or because they were,
kind of, not sure if they want surgery or they're not sure if they want bottom surgery or they're not sure if they even want
hormones or a hysterectomy or
facial feminization surgery for trans women. Like, it
doesn't mean that the person isn't trans. It means that they're finding themselves and they're kind of taking time and
realizing what they need for themselves, and if they say "I don't need hormones.", then they don't need hormones.
And it doesn't mean that they're not trans. It just means that they now know what they need in order to feel comfortable,
with themselves. And I feel, like, maybe in the future, they'll go on hormones. It doesn't matter. No matter what happens I
feel like trans people aren't listened to enough, and we need to, kind of, also bridge that gap. So,
A little pep talk. I don't know what that was - a PSA? But anyways-
Thank you so much for joining me, and if you have any questions about this specific topic, please
Let me know in the description below
I would love to talk more about this and, like, talk about the emotional side of transition and get other youtubers to talk about this.
Because, oh my god. We're all different. I'm one trans person, I'm not every trans person. This is my personal experience.
It would be so great to, like, hear other people talk about, kind of- Like, transitioned doubts
and if they had doubts. And honestly, I think that we all had doubts and I think that that's completely normal.
But we never talk about it, so people feel alone. But I'm here to say, you are absolutely not alone, and I love you.
Thank you for watching. Have a great day. Bye!