-Let's get right into business, okay?
At the age of 30, I came out as bi.
[ Cheers and applause ]
All that to say, you know,
I'm pretty new to this whole "dating women" thing.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm definitely enjoying myself.
Okay? It's like I suddenly found the second candy drawer.
I'm like, "Oh, what's going on over here?"
And there's all kinds of stuff coming up
that I've never thought of before.
One thing I am super grateful for
is how supportive people have been.
It really means so much to me.
Really. [ Cheers and applause ]
I mean, maybe that's because dating within the same sex
is less taboo now than ever before.
Yeah. One survey showed that 30% of women have
or have thought about dating a woman.
And the other 70% are lying.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, seriously.
Even if you're not into girls,
and you've ever had a sleepover with a girlfriend,
you probably know it's way chiller to have a sleepover
than having a sleepover with a guy-friend.
Am I right? [ Cheers and applause ]
It is. 'Cause, like, cuddling with Kesha
feels really safe and sweet.
Okay? Cuddling with Karl
feels like he's drilling for oil in my hip.
[ Laughter ]
Now, my best friends are girls.
And when you're dating girls,
the line starts to blur between girlfriend and girl friends.
Like, I love shopping with my girlfriends,
but going shopping with a girl I'm dating feels weird. Okay?
There's nothing less sexy than saying, "Hey, babe,
can you grab me a bigger size in these pants?
They're giving me a camel toe. Right here."
[ Laughter ]
Not to mention, every text from a boy
starts with "Hey" or "You up?"
[ Laughter ]
Every text from a woman starts with "I just feel like --"
[ Laughter ]
Even if it's about what time you're meeting for a movie,
it's like, "I feel like we should meet at 6:45.
And I really need to feel heard on that."
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, people often assume that when two women have sex,
it's super slow and soft and takes hours and hours,
but it's not the sex that takes so long, okay?
It's afterward, when you're both lying there
and answer the question, "What are you thinking?"
[ Laughter ]
Another thing that never occurred to me
about dating girls -- Okay, I don't even know
how this didn't occur to me. Y'all, two periods!
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay? And when women spend a lot of time around each other,
their periods start to sync.
We know this is true. Yeah.
I spent the entire morning eating chocolate and crying
with 50% of my writing staff.
[ Laughter ]
But at least it's inclusive, if you know what I mean.
Okay? [ Cheers and applause ]
I mean, speaking of periods, one period is already hard enough.
Hey? But two periods?
It's like the donation bank at the Red Cross.
Okay? [ Laughter ]
And if you freaky and you add a third period to the mix,
okay, that's what I call an ellipsis.
[ Laughter ]
Now, I will say that going on dates with women is awesome,
but there are some dating traditions
that get a little confusing.
Like, I don't agree with this,
but traditionally, if you go on a first date with a guy,
he picks up the tab. Right?
With two girls, you're both just sitting there forever
waiting for the other person to pay. Okay?
Eventually, it's just two skeletons in nice dresses
sitting at the Olive Garden just --
[ Laughter ]
And when you're dating a guy,
and you're walking around at night and you get cold,
you know, he'll offer you his jacket.
But if it's two girls, you're both cold,
so there's no jackets. Okay?
There's just four jagged nipples out in the cold just --
It's horrible. [ Laughter ]
Now, with women, there are new things
to get annoyed about, too.
When I dated men, it'd be something like,
"Babe, are you eating my leftovers again?"
Now it's like, "Babe, are you doing my last Korean face mask?"
[ Laughter ]
"Those are expensive, girl!
No-o-o! No-o!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
See?
Now, I have noticed that my guy friends
don't bring new girlfriends around me anymore, also.
You know?
It used to be because they thought I'd [bleep] them.
But now, not only can I block,
I can rebound, box out, do a lay-up, and score!
You know what I'm saying? [ Cheers and applause ]
Whoo! Whoo!
Now, maybe the biggest thing I've learned while dating women
is that, for the first time in my life,
during an argument, the other person could actually be right.