WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU HEAR THAT?
WHAT'S THAT?
>> Jon: THAT'S A FRIDAY AUDIENCE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A FRIDAY AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE, 100%.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU COULD-- YOU CAN CUT THAT
AUDIENCE OPEN AND COUNT THE RINGS OF FRIDAY IN THERE.
IT'S BEEN A GREAT WEEK FOR EVERYBODY, ESPECIALLY DONALD
TRUMP.
I'M SORRY, I MEANT TO SAY HORRIBLE WEEK, BECAUSE THE
DEMOCRATS IN CONGRESS HAVE DEMAND HIS TAX RETURNS, HIS
FINANCIAL RECORDS AND THE MULL MUELLER REPORT.
TO EMBARRASS HIM NEXT, THEY'RE GOING TO ASK HIM WHAT HIS
CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAYS ARE.
(AS TRUMP): "I PLEAD THE FIFTH
OF JUNE?
IS THAT ONE OF THEM?
HOW ABOUT THE FOURTH OF JULY?
THAT'S SOMETHING, RIGHT?" AND IT'S ALL GOTTA STING,
BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP IS OBSESSED WITH BEING LIKED, WHICH
IS WHY SO MANY PEOPLE CAN'T STAND HIM.
AND "THE NEW YORK TIMES" JUST UNCOVERED SOME SECRET MARKETING
RATINGS THAT TRUMP WILL NOT ENJOY.
IT'S CALLED AN E-SCORE, WHICH MARKETING EXECUTIVES, NETWORK
TELEVISION STATIONS, AND ADVERTISERS RELY ON TO FIGURE
OUT WHICH PERSONALITIES APPEAL TO AUDIENCES AND WHICH DO NOT.
IT WORKS A LOT BETTER THAN CELEBRITY YELP REVIEWS.
"MET TOM HANKS.
VERY PLEASANT.
BUT NO PUBLIC BATHROOM!
ONE STAR!"
AND DONALD TRUMP DOES NOT DO WELL IN THESE E-RATINGS.
HIS OVERALL STRONG NEGATIVE APPEAL WAS 39%, COMPARED TO A
STRONG POSITIVE APPEAL OF JUST 14%.
>> Audience: OOOH!
>> Stephen: YEAH, THAT'S NOT GOOD.
THE LAST CELEBRITY TO DO THAT BADLY ON AN E-SCORE WAS
SYPHILIS.
( LAUGHTER )
TEAM, NEW P.R. TEAM.
( APPLAUSE )
AND AWARENESS OF CELEBRITIES, AND ALSO TRACKS HOW INDIVIDUALS
SCORE ON MORE THAN 40 PERSONALITY AND PHYSICAL
ATTRIBUTES.
WHO HAS 40 ATTRIBUTES?
IF YOU ASKED ME TO DESCRIBE MY BEST FRIEND, I'D SAY HE'S, LIKE,
MEDIUM HEIGHT, BROWN HAIR, EATS FOOD.
IS THAT A PERSON?
( LAUGHTER )
ASSOCIATED WITH THE PRESIDENT WERE "AGGRESSIVE" AND "MEAN,"
TWO OF THE REJECTED SEVEN DWARFS.
( LAUGHTER )
GRUMPY, SLEEPY AND PREFERS PEOPLE WHO ARE SNOW WHITE.
>> Audience: OOOH!
>> Jon: WELL!
WELL, THEN.
>> Stephen: MEMBERS OF THE ARYAN NATION ARE HERE TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
"CONFIDENT" AND "CREEPY."
I BELIEVE THEY GOT "CONFIDENT" AND "CREEPY" BY POLLING A
REPRESENTATIVE SAMPLE OF FLAGS.
( LAUGHTER )
IS THE SAME COMBINATION SCORE YOU'D GIVE A SPIEDENER YOUR
SHOWER.
"I'M, LIKE, 10,000 TIMES YOUR SIZE!
WHY ARE YOU CRAWLING TOWARDS ME!"
BUT HERE'S THE PART TRUMP'S REALLY NOT GOING TO LIKE.
HIS LOWEST SCORES WERE FOR THE ATTRIBUTES OF "SEXY,"
"HANDSOME," AND "PHYSICALLY FIT."
( LAUGHTER )
CAME UP WITH THAT, OTHER THAN LOOKING AT THIS PICTURE
OR THIS PICTURE, OR THIS PICTURE,
OR THIS PICTURE, OR THIS PICTURE.
BUT, LOOK, THAT WAS TOTALLY UNFAIR OF ME.
IT WAS PROBABLY THIS PICTURE.
( LAUGHTER )
HIGHLY WITH MEMBERS OF HIS OWN PARTY, ACCORDING TO A NEW BOOK
CALLED "THE HILL TO DIE ON."
APPARENTLY, IN AN INFRASTRUCTURE MEETING WITH FELLOW REPUBLICANS
LAST YEAR, THE PRESIDENT "IMPRESSED THE ASSEMBLED
LAWMAKERS WITH HIS APPARENT INTEREST, SCRIBBLING FURIOUS
NOTES."
BUT UPON CLOSER INSPECTION, TRUMP'S WRITING "HAD NOTHING TO
DO WITH INFRASTRUCTURE.
INSTEAD, TRUMP HAD SCRAWLED 'SLOPPY STEVE' ATOP HIS INDEX
CARD, FOLLOWED BY COPIOUS NOTES CRITICIZING STEVE BANNON."
ALL THE TIME.
(AS GENERAL): "SIR, THAT WAS YOUR BRIEFING.
ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT OUR SPECIAL FORCES MOVEMENTS IN SYRIA?"
(AS TRUMP): "JUST ONE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS PICTURE I DREW OF CHUCK SCHUMER
HUMPING A UNICORN?
IT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY."
( LAUGHTER )
TIME BACK IN 2016, WHEN TRUMP WAS CONSIDERING ADDING MIKE
PENCE TO HIS TICKET.
HE CALLED UP REPRESENTATIVE STEVE SCALISE TO SOLICIT HIS
OPINION.
SCALISE PRAISED THE NOW-VICE PRESIDENT, WHO, UNBEKNOWNST TO
HIM, HAPPENED TO BE SITTING WITH TRUMP AND LISTENING TO THE
WHOLE CONVERSATION.
YOU CAN SEE IT ALL ON TRUMP'S NEW PRANK SHOW, "PENCE'd!"
AND AFTER THE PRANK PHONE CALL, SCALISE JOKED THAT HE WAS "AN
UNWITTING PARTICIPANT IN THE VETTING OF MIKE PENCE IN FRONT
OF MIKE PENCE!" THAT'S NOT REALLY A JOKE, STEVE,
JUST A BLUNT DESCRIPTION OF WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
"HEY, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE CHICKEN WHO CROSSED THE ROAD?
NO?
WELL, NOW YOU HAVE!" THE BOOK ALSO HAS DAMNING
STORIES ABOUT JARED KUSHNER.
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, THE KUSH WAS SHOCKED TO LEARN THAT IT
COSTS THE GOVERNMENT $750 PER DAY TO KEEP AN UNDOCUMENTED
CHILD IN THE UNITED STATES," QUIPPING, "THEY MIGHT AS WELL
PUT THEM UP AT THE FOUR SEASONS HOTEL IN GEORGETOWN."
WELL, I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL UNDOCUMENTED CHILDREN WHEN I
SAY, "SURE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )