- What if my child doesn't like a subject?
Let's talk about that.
(gentle music)
Welcome to the Simply Charlotte Mason Podcast.
I'm Sonya Shafer.
Today we want to talk about a question
that I think most of us have heard at some time or other
in our home school career.
"I don't like doing," whatever the subject is.
What about when my child
doesn't like to do a certain subject?
Well, let's talk about that.
Here to join me is my friend and coworker, Laura Pitney.
Laura, thanks for joining us.
- Glad to be here.
- Let's talk about what if my child
doesn't like a certain subject.
What are the next steps?
- I don't know, go ahead.
(both laughs)
No, I'm just kidding.
That's hard because I think we've all been there
at some point or another.
So, let's open that can of worms.
- All right.
Some thoughts came to mind.
I think, first, when you hear that,
the tendency is to panic.
It's like, "Oh, I must be doing something wrong,"
and we immediately think that it's our fault.
But let's try and back up and take a broader perspective.
I mean there's always something you don't like in life.
There has to be.
Even as a baby, there's something you don't like.
And as a preschooler,
there are lots of things you don't like.
As a child, as a teenager, as an adult,
there are things in life that we don't like.
So, it's not some weird and abnormal situation
to have something you don't like,
so we don't need to panic.
But when a child says that,
I think we need to check a couple of things.
First thing that comes to mind is
why does that child not like the subject.
If it is that the child just doesn't understand it
and is struggling to make sense of it,
it makes sense that they would not like it.
If you don't understand something,
you don't like to do it.
It's hard.
So, I think that in that situation, we need to...
Well, okay, let's approach it this way.
Is this the optimal learning zone for my child?
It could be that they don't understand it,
so we need to just take a few steps back
and help them understand what they're doing,
help them grasp it better.
But on the other side of that optimal learning zone
is they're bored stiff with it because
they already know all of that,
and they aren't being challenged.
So look at that optimal learning zone.
Are we in there somewhere?
But if it's not a learning issue,
it's not in that learning zone,
we're going to set that aside.
Now let's look at "it's probably just a preference" zone.
And when I think preference, I think comfort zone.
We all have our comfort zones
that we don't like to be nudged out of,
and sometimes some of the subjects
like picture study or poetry,
it's the same for moms.
Maybe some of us don't like to do nature study,
and so we tend to avoid it.
Or Shakespeare, that's out of some people's comfort zone,
and so they tend to avoid it.
So we need to relate with our children in this,
but we need to also determine why it is.
If it is outside their comfort zone,
let's talk about those issues.
It's not a learning issue.
It's just a preference issue.
What are some thoughts you have on that?
- Well, I think that one thing is understanding
that as the children grow, their preferences do change.
So to be aware of that,
that if something's going great
and you feel like the child's engaged,
then the next year maybe they're not.
So just always kind of keep a check on
as they develop as young people,
that their interest and preferences change.
I think that's just kind of a general guideline
just to keep in mind.
But I also think about...
Like you mentioned
life lessons here.
You have situations all through their lives.
So if you figured out that it's a preference for your child,
I think it's important that you can teach them,
plant that seed that you still have to do what's right
even when you don't feel like it.
There's an integrity component
to helping them find motivation to push through it
and to still comply and to get it done with a happy heart
even if it's not their preference.
So, I think there's a good teaching point there,
just as a life lesson, and not to cater to them, to give in,
which that's hard because everybody parents so differently.
But I know in my home school experience,
when I've had children really have a hard time
pushing through whatever the assignment is, or a concept,
or whatever that ends up looking like.
Once I realize it's their preference,
it's helped me determine, okay, what our motivation here?
I want them to
have that love of learning
and understand that this may not be your happy...
My older daughter is not happy with
diagramming sentences, so that's what it came out.
But for her to understand that
that's one way to analyze a sentence
and just to understand it, and then let's move on.
But the hard focus during that dislike of it,
it was a talking point for us to
plant those seeds of,
like you mentioned earlier, this is a life lesson
to just stick with it
and do it even though you don't feel like it,
because it's the right thing to do.
- We could also approach it as a courage issue.
- Yes.
- It take courage to step outside your comfort zone
and do something that you don't like to do.
Case and point, I don't like to try new foods, I don't.
You know this.
It's outside my comfort zone.
It takes courage to step outside that,
and that's different from a subject at school in a way,
but that also takes courage.
So if she doesn't like to diagram sentences,
she understands it.
First, like you said, find out why, what's the motivation.
If she does understand it
and it's just a preference issue,
then we could approach it from a courage standpoint
of this is a good way to practice
the courage it's going to take.
Because when you grow up,
you're going to face many more things like this.
And maybe share from our own experience
some things that we do every day as adults
that we don't necessarily like.
- I put it more on a positive spin.
It gives them opportunity to rise to the occasion.
And I like that picture I get in my mind
when you mention the word courage.
I think that that's a good point to that.
I think that
when you have to deal with your children
not complying or not liking it,
and it's that just...
Once we're in the camp of it being a preference,
it's an opportunity
to exemplify authority.
As a parent, the Lord gives us authority over our children.
And for our children to understand
that we are accountable as stewards of them,
and so, again, you don't like to do this.
It's not what you would choose to do,
but you still have to obey
because I'm the authority over you.
And to say it in a loving way
that is an example to them
that we're not doing this just to make your life miserable.
We're doing it because we see it's for their better good.
- As you said, we are held accountable
for our actions too,
so we can't just let you out of it because-
- And for some parents, that takes a lot of courage
because we want to love our children
and to make life easy for them,
and to cater to all their wants and needs,
but is that really the best thing for them
in the education setting?
So, I take that as an encouragement
even from a parenting perspective,
to have courage, to do the hard thing,
and enforce what we expect.
- That's a good point.
Some of it-
- I know it's not good to hear.
It's hard, it's hard to swallow,
but it's a big thing to shoulder knowing that,
like you said, we're accountable.
- Yeah, parenting is not for cowards.
- We need that on T-shirt.
(both laugh)
- It probably already is somewhere.
Just along with that,
then some other practical things that we can do
to try and make the path as smooth as possible.
We cannot say, "Okay, you don't have to go down that path."
Not with a clear conscience, we can't say that,
but we can try and make that path as smooth as possible.
- And we want to. - Absolutely.
- We're not out to get them. - Right, right.
- Even though they think it sometimes, we're not.
- They could think that,
but sometimes we think they're out to get us too,
but we won't go there.
- More coffee.
(both laugh)
So, some things you can do
to make that path a little bit smoother,
number one is make sure that you're not overburdening them
by making that lesson drag out longer than it needs to,
keeping that short succinct lesson.
Now, granted if the child is dragging heels
because she doesn't like it,
then it's a natural consequence it drags on.
But from our standpoint, we do what we can to keep short.
Yes, you don't like it,
but it's just going to be for this short time.
We also can make that path a little bit smoother
by using Charlotte's methods.
Charlotte Mason's methods, I think, are enjoyable,
much more enjoyable than what most of us
grew up with in school.
But we have to be careful we are not confusing
enjoyable and fun in our brains.
- Explain the difference.
Teach me.
(both laughs)
- I know there's a difference.
Whether I can verbalize it or not, I'm not sure.
Enjoyable means it's not tedious, it's not overburdening.
It is...
Basically, yeah, those types of ideas.
- You're satisfied when it's done.
- Yes, there's a good sense of accomplishment there,
and it hasn't bene like pulling teeth the whole time,
mind-numbing and all of this.
Fun is more emotional.
We're going to just ride on this adrenaline high.
It doesn't matter what we do
as long as we keep that adrenaline high.
But the emotions and the adrenaline high
is not where learning takes place most.
Does that make sense?
- Yes, it does.
- I think that Charlotte Mason's methods are enjoyable,
and we shouldn't confuse that with
this emotional high of fun all the time.
Yeah, we can have fun. - Yeah, it happens.
- At times, sure. - I hope it happens.
- Yeah, absolutely, but that's not the goal.
The goal is to make them as enjoyable as we can
with her methods,
but we still have that sense of accomplishment at the end.
- So, while you're mentioning those things
and the practical side of Charlotte's methods
being the short lessons,
and the full attention, and things like that,
habits came to mind.
- Yes.
- And so, we mentioned integrity
and the motivation of the child to stick with it,
even though they don't feel like it.
Integrity is a habit.
I mean that's something that
is an emotional habit if you will or mental habit.
- Courage is a habit as well.
We don't often think of courage as a habit, but it is.
- Yeah, I totally see that.
And then I feel like, in my experience,
when older children say they don't like something,
there's a conversation there,
whether it's a hard issue, or just plain out dislike,
or understanding.
But with the younger children,
I see the habits interlaced in the situation.
So if you have a six year old that realizes,
"You know what,
I don't like to tell back to you what I just heard."
It's a heart of rebellion
or it may just be foundations that need to be worked on
to create a better student in the year to come.
So, even though we're talking about
practical aspects of her methods,
like physically what to do to help within that subject,
there's also the habit component
that I just feel is so strong
or should be so strong in developing the children,
and the way that they view things.
And we've been studying at church,
helping develop our children's heart.
It's a stepping stones to where eventually
they are are making independent decisions,
and we want them to be able to do that.
But in the early years, it's so important
to expect full-time attention.
Did I say that right?
- Full attention. - Full attention.
- Full attention, and first-time obedience,
and truthfulness.
Those are so important.
And to realize that if you work on that an early age,
then when you get to that conversation
of that child saying, "Well, I don't like it,"
you already have...
He's obviously being truthful in how he feels.
- It's true.
- And if he's already giving you his full attention
and he's going to understand that he does have to obey
when you tell him to do something,
then that gives you some guidance to know,
okay, well, maybe this is a preference,
or maybe this is an understanding thing.
If those foundational habits are there,
it helps you troubleshoot it later on.
- Yeah, it would help at least the foundation
for that conversation.
So that you can get to the hard issue right away.
Because a lot of times when our kids say, "I don't like,"
they use that term for many different reasons,
and so figuring out what's behind it
is going to be key.
- And I mean we're applying this to school subjects,
but it's the same idea of if you fix
bacon and eggs for breakfast and your child says,
"Well, I don't like that."
Do you cater?
Do you say, "Okay, go get cereal,
or I'll make you cinnamon toast or whatever"?
It's the same idea of being consistent
to where that they understand,
again, that there's an authority figure there
and that you know what's best for them,
and to say something along the lines,
"Well, I know this isn't your favorite meal.
Maybe another day I can make
what you would like another day,
but this is what we have today."
So, thankfulness.
- Yes, courtesy.
- I just see that, yes, we're talking about,
well, "I don't like this,"
or "I don't want to do this" in the school subject,
but it's really a life lesson in all areas.
- Because there's always going to be something in life
you don't like.
- So true.
- It comes right back full circle.
Exactly.
Thanks for joining us for this episode
of Your Questions Answered.
If you enjoyed this podcast,
be sure to subscribe through iTunes,
Google Play, YouTube, Facebook, Instagram,
or your favorite podcast apps
so you don't miss an episode.
You can also listen to the audio version of the podcast
or you can read the blog post on our website
at simplycharlottemason.com.
All of those links will be in the show notes.
Thanks for joining me.
I'll see you next time.