LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST
TONIGHT IS AN EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR WHOSE VOICE STARS IN "THE
SIMPSONS" AND WHOSE FACE STARS IN THE NEW I.F.C. SERIES
"BROCKMIRE."
PLEASE WELCOME HANK AZARIA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> HOW'S IT GOING?
>> Stephen: GOOD.
YOU LOOK NICE, ALL DRESSED UP IN A VEST AND EVERYTHING.
>> I'M VERY IMPRESSED WITH MYSELF.
I CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I WORE A VEST.
>> Stephen: I LOOK LIKE I'M ABOUT TO TAKE A LOAN OUT FROM
YOU.
>> WE'LL REVIEW YOUR FILE AND I PROMISE WE'LL BE FAIR.
>> Stephen: ANY QUESTIONS?
YOU'RE THE GUEST.
>> I'M NOT GOING TO TIP YOU OFF BEFORE HAND.
WE'LL SEE HOW YOU'RE DOING THEN LET YOU KNOW IN SEVEN TO TEN
BUSINESS DAYS HOW YOU'RE DOING.
>> Stephen: IS THAT YOUR WATER?
IT'S STILL YOURS.
YOU'RE A MASTER OF VOICE.
EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU FROM THE SIMPSONS PLAYING THE CHARACTERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU YOUR OWN GREATEST SOURCE OF JOY AND
AMUSEMENT?
>> ON SO MANY LEVELS, YES, STEPHEN, I AM.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN WILE AWAY THE HOURS.
YOU MUST NEVER GET BORED, YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF TO LISTEN TO.
>> I CERTAINLY GOT MYSELF THROUGH MY CHILDHOOD MIMICKING
WHATEVER CAME MY WAY.
>> Stephen: BEFORE THE INTERNET, THAT WAS YOUR HANDHELD
DEVICE?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: WE ALL HAD A HAND-HELD DEVICE AS A CHILD.
>> A THEME OF PLEASURING YOURSELF AND HAND-HELD DEVICES.
( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, YES, AS A CHILD, I WOULD
MIMIC WHOEVER I HEARD.
THE TAPE RECORDERS, YOU HAD TO PRESS TWO BUTTONS AT ONCE AND I
WOULD RECORD MYSELF AND HOURS OF ENTERTAINMENT.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S HARD TO BE BUM DOING CERTAIN VOICES.
I DO PROFESSOR FRANK, YOU MENTIONED, WHICH IS BASED ON,
YOU PROBABLY REMEMBER, THE ORIGINAL NUTTY PROFESSOR, JERRY
LEWIS.
HE TALKS ABOUT THIS, IF YOU RECALL, AND, OF COURSE, IT'S
IMPOSSIBLE TO BE SAD SPEAKING THIS WAY.
YOU CAN SAY, MY GOODNESS, I'M HAVING A HORRIBLE DAY, IN FACT A
HORRIBLE LIFE, AND I'M SUICIDALLY DEPRESSED AND LIFE'S
A SONG!
SO, YOU KNOW -- ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: CAN I MAKE THAT MY RING TONE, PLEASE?
>> SURE, FOR A VERY SMALL FEE.
YOU CAN'T BE SAD WHEN YOU MADE THAT NOISE.
>> Stephen: SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE LAST YEAR YOU
WON YOUR SIXTH EMMY.
CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT.
>> THANK YOU ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I AM -- NOMINATIONS COME OUT IN JULY.
I'M HOSTING THE EMMYS THIS YEAR.
>> I HEARD ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THE FIX CAN BE IN FOR YOU IF THE PRICE IS RIGHT.
I CAN FLIP THE ENVELOPES AROUND.
I SAW THE OSCARS THIS YEAR.
>> I GOT MY CHEAT NOTES THERE.
THERE'S A 20.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
I MEAN, THERE WILL BE MORE TO COME
( VOICE ) THAT JUST MAKES YOU GOOD.
>> Stephen: I KNOW THIS IS A JOKE, BUT I AM KEEPING IT.
>> YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BECAUSE NOW IT'S
FUNNY TO ME.
DO YOU LIKE GOING TO THE EMMYS?
>> OH, NO.
>> Stephen: IT'S A PARTY.
OH, NO.
IF THEY'RE UNCOMFORTABLE -- DO YOU LIKE IT?
DOES ANYBODY LIKE IT?
>> Stephen: I LIKE TAKING MY KIDS TO IT.
I TOOK MY 10-YEAR-OLD TO IT AND HE GOES, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT
WAS FUN!
>> BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WAS, UNTIL --
> I ENJOYED BRINGING
MY MOTHER TO IT ONCE.
I THINK ANYBODY WHO LOOKS FORWARD TO THE EMMYS HASN'T BEEN
THERE YET BECAUSE IT'S VERY NERVE RACKING ON MANY LEVELS.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT THERE TO HAVE A LOT OF FUN UNLESS YOU
WIN.
>> YEAH, BUT ONE-FIFTH OF THE AUDIENCE IS GOING TO WIN.
I THINK SEINFELD SUMMED IT UP CORRECTLY.
HE WENT UP THERE AND SAID, YOU KNOW, BY DEFINITION EVERYBODY IN
THIS ROOM IS TREMENDOUSLY SUCCESSFUL.
WE THROW THIS NIGHT SO WE CAN ALL FEEL LIKE LOSERS, TOO.
( LAUGHTER ) FOUR-FIFTHS OF THE ROOM WILL GO
HOME WITH ITS TAIL BETWEEN ITS LEGS.
>> Stephen: AND IT'S HARD NOT TO CARE ONCE YOU'RE THERE.
>> THAT'S THE THING.
EVEN IF YOU TRULY DON'T CARE AND YOU REALLY FEEL IT'S ABHONOR TO
BE NOMINATED, AFTER ALL, YOU WERE ONE OF FIVE PERFORMANCES
SINGLED OUT.
IN THE MOMENT THEY'RE READING THE NAMES OFF, YOU WILL GIVE
ANYTHING TO WIN, MOSTLY BECAUSE THERE IS A CAMERA IN YOUR FACE
RECORDING EVERY MICROEXPRESSION.
>> Stephen: WHEN HE MEANS IN YOUR FACE, HE MEANS THERE IS A
GUY AS CLOSE AS THIS SHOOTING YOUR FACE.
>> THEY COME UP FAST ON PURPOSE AND MAKE LOUD NOISES TO SCARE
YOU.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE.
>> NO -- HEY, HEY, HEY!
THEY'LL DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
LAUGH LAV AND THEN, YOU KNOW, 80% LOSE, AND THEN EVEN IF
YOU'RE FINE, EVERYBODY TREATS YOU LIKE THERE WAS A DEATH IN
THE FAMILY.
GEORGE CLOONEY WAS TALKING ABOUT THIS.
THE NEXT DAY AT WORK, NO ONE CAN LOOK YOU IN THE EYE.
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY -- I'M SORRY, MAN, REALLY, REALLY
SORRY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I WAS NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY.
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY ASSUMES.
YEAH, ASSUMES YOU'RE BUMMED.
>> Stephen: I HEARD YOU DIDN'T WIN AN EMMY.
ARE THE DOCTORS SURE?
DO YOU WANT US TO TAKE THE KIDS FOR A WHILE?
>> THEN YOU GET AGITATED.
HE'S FREAKING OUT BECAUSE HE LOST.
>> Stephen: THE ONE THING I LIKE ABOUT THE EMMYS, ESPECIALLY
SINCE I WORK IN NEW YORK AND NOT LOS ANGELES, IS I GET TO MEET
PEOPLE THERE THAT I NEVER GET TO MEET.
PEOPLE ASSUME I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE IN SHOW BUSINESS BUT I
DON'T.
I LOVE MEETING THE PEOPLE.
MEETING MONTY PYTHON OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, THRILLS ME.
>> THAT'S OFTEN GREAT.
AT THE FLIPS ON YOU, TOO.
MAYBE I SEE THE GLASS HALF EMPTY IN ALL THIS, BUT SOME OF IT'S,
LIKE, NEVER MEET YOUR HEROS, OR ALSO YOU OFFEND PEOPLE BY
ACCIDENT.
I FORGET WHO I'VE WORKED WITH.
THEY'RE, LIKE, HI.
I'M, LIKE, HAVE WE MET?
THEY'RE, LIKE, YEAH, WE SPENT TWO YEARS ON THE ROAD DURING THE
ODD COUPLE.
OH, OF COURSE!
SORRY.
AND THEN I WAS REALLY EXCITED TO MEET WILLIAM SHATNER, HE'S A
TREMENDOUS HERO OF MINE.
>> Stephen: GOT TO LOVE SHATNER.
>> I WAS NOMINATED IN HIS CATEGORY, I'M STANDING NEXT TO
HIM.
YOU BE ME, I'LL BE SHATNER.
LOVE YOUR WORK, START THE WHOLE THING.
>> Stephen: BEFORE THE CEREMONY, OKAY?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, BILL -- MR. SHATNER, I'M HANK AZARIA,
AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY I'M A HUGE FAN OF YOUR WORK AND I JUST
ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET YOU AND YOU INSPIRED ME IN SO MANY
DIFFERENT WAYS AND WHAT AN HONOR JUST TO BE WITH YOU AND BE
NOMINATED WITH YOU.
>> HELLO.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK ACTUALLY YOU WENT ON
LESS LONG THAN I ACTUALLY DID.
I WANT TO TAKE IT BACK, MR. SHATNER.
DIDN'T MEAN IT.