Translator: Duong Nguyen Reviewer: Denise RQ
Julia Cameron De Villiers: First scenario -
JP, I'm telling you, it's a 9.
Jean-Pierre De Villiers: I'm not a fool, Jules. It's a 6.
JC De V: Are you kidding me? Why can't you see it's a 9?
J-P De V: I can't actually believe we're arguing about this.
It's a 6. End of story.
JC De V: You're being ridiculous. I know it's a 9.
J-P De V: I am right. You are wrong.
JC De V: No, I am right.
J-P De V: I don't have time for this.
JC De V: Second scenario -
JP, I'm telling you it's 9.
J-P De V: Why is it a 6 from my side?
Let me come around and see what you've seen.
Ah! God, I get it. I totally understand.
Would you mind coming over to my side so you can see my perspective?
JC De V: Oh, OK, I get it. Now I see your point of view.
J-P De V: How much time have you wasted in relationships
arguing when you never ever get anywhere
because you both are trying to prove that your way is the only right way?
JC De V: How much better would your relationships be
if you were able to communicate clearly and effectively
expressing your own views,
and, at the same time,
understanding and appreciating the views of the other person?
J-P De V: Have you considered that everyone in this room might have
a total different picture of their experience tonight
based on his or her mental blueprint,
which is partly made up of your highest values?
J-P De V: We all have 24 hours in a day, 86, 400 seconds.
In today's world, we all live busy lives.
We are more focused
on being successful human doings as opposed to fulfilled human beings;
and we often neglect our relationships
due to the perception of having a lack of time.
J-P De V: Do you see there's no such thing as finding time?
You make it; you don't search for it, you create it.
In order for us to get maximum value from our time and our life,
it's important for us to understand our highest values;
our highest value are our rules for life, for what make us happy,
and are central to everything that we are.
JC De V: Understanding our values gives us better connection
with ourselves and others.
J-P de V: Not understanding each other's values
prevents us from living and having a happy relationship;
we always live in expectation.
and by living in expectation, we take away the joy of our relationship.
But if you can understand that we all live in different worlds,
you can move from expectation to appreciation,
allowing both of you to shine bright in your own light.
JC de V: A relationship is two people coming together
in one beautiful energetic dance;
and through finding out each other's values,
you can open up, show who you really are, and share your worlds together.
Living in accordance with your highest values
means living by what makes you happy.
In our relationships, we are either moving forward or falling behind,
we are making the most of our time or wasting time,
and your time is way too valuable to be wasted
on someone that doesn't accept and appreciate you for who you are.
JC De V: If you understand your partner's values,
you can clearly see why they choose to do what they do,
and support them as opposed to questioning their actions and motives.
J-P De V: There are few different ways to elicit your values.
Number one, one of many ways,
is to look at what you were missing as a child.
Anything that was a void when you grew up,
you end up doing everything to avoid in your adult life.
Let me give you an example.
When I grew up, I really believed that I had a lack of choice.
I had a tough upbringing. I got bullied throughout school,
and at times, there were little to no money;
so from my own perspective, there was a lack of freedom, a void.
So in my adult life doing everything to avoid this,
freedom has become one of my highest values.
Another way to elicit one of your highest values
is to look at where you spend,
invest your time, your energy, your money, and your thoughts.
For example, what kind of activities give you the most energy?
What kind of books do you most like to read?
What kind of people do you love spending time with?
What kind of experiences do you most like to have?
JC De V: I, for example, love being creative through cooking,
and I could spend hours doing this.
I also love dreaming up new ideas that inspire me,
so clearly, one of my highest values is creativity.
Knowing that one of my partner's highest values is freedom,
by objecting to the amount of traveling that we do,
I would be stepping on what makes him happy.
J-P De V: Likewise, if I don't allow Jules the time to be creative,
I know that our relationship will never ever fulfill her.
JC De V: Recently, JP told me
he wanted to go away for a few days and spend some time alone, in nature,
meditating, running, reading, reconnecting with himself.
Initially, I took this very personally.
I thought, "Oh my goodness, he doesn't want to be with me.
This is the end."
But after taking a breath,
I was able to check in with his values and reassure myself
that his decision had nothing to do with me and the state of our relationship
and was simply based on him getting his values map:
freedom, connection, and nature.
If I were to have a problem with this,
I would not be honoring his values, and I could not expect him to honor mine.
Living in accordance with our highest values
means living by what makes us happy.
J-P De V: Another example of that would be
that some people in this room might judge others
for not sticking to one thing at life
or for having their fingers in many pies at once;
whereas in Jules's case,
having creativity right up there is one of our highest values.
I know that what most fulfills her is being a multipassionate entrepreneur,
and that doing one thing on its own would absolutely bore her to death.
For that reason,
I honor, adore, and encourage her creative mind and thinking.
JC De V: You can't see what you can't see,
so if you don't know what you're looking for,
how would you ever going to find it?
With over 7 billion people in the world, there are a lot of people out there,
all with different wants, needs, and values.
So rather than randomly picking from the lot,
get clear on what makes you happy
then go find someone that is in alignment with that.
J-P De V: What do you value?
What do you love? What are you passionate about?
What things are most important to you in your life?
What things make you come alive?
JC De V: Is it freedom? J-P De V: Is it fitness?
JC De V: Is it communication? J-P De V: Is it compassion?
JC De V: Is it growth? J-P De V: Is it gratitude?
JC De V: As Elvis Presley said, values are like fingerprints;
nobody's are the same,
but you leave them over everything that you do.
J-P De V: Part of being happy as a whole also means having a happy emotional home
as our emotions dictate
the quality of our life and our experience of time.
We're either coming
from a place of abundance or a place of scarcity
based on what we are focused on.
JC De V: When you know your values and what makes you happy,
you can fill up your own cup
and rather than enter a relationship from a place of lacking,
keep your cup full and give whatever flows to your loved ones.
When we're not happy, we are a short time away,
whereas when we are in a happy, fulfilled relationship,
we can appreciate and cherish every moment.
J-P De V: I'm sure a lot of you know this too well,
but when we blame our partners for our lack of fulfillment,
what we are doing
is we are putting our focus outside of ourselves,
we're not taking responsibility for the way we feel,
and often, we end up sabotaging our own relationships.
It is our responsibility to fulfill our own values.
If and when you do,
anyone that comes into your life adds to what and who you already are.
But when you don't,
you go looking for someone else to full them for you.
When they do, in the beginning,
you're so happy, you're over the moon, you're in love,
but after a while, if they just stop fulfilling one of those needs,
you blame them, you tell them they are at fault,
"Why are you not making me happy anymore?",
when the truth is that you were the one that was unfulfilled in the first place.
JC De V: If you enter a relationship from a place of lack,
you will never be fulfilled,
and you would always struggle to find a healthy relationship.
You would always feel disappointed as a result of living in expectation.
J-P De V: Here is the thing:
don't ever make your thing or your focus that you need a relationship.
Make your focus that you want a relationship.
In a good relationship, it adds to the whole that you already are,
and in a great relationship, one plus one doesn't even equal two;
it equals three.
JC De V: From today, promise yourself
to love people for who they are and not for who you expect them to be.
Now is your time.
Go find what and who makes you happy;
work at your values, figure out what's most important to you;
get the most out of your relationships, and have the time of your life.
JC De V: Thank you. J-P De V: Thank you.
(Applause)