- I asked my friend the other day, I'm like,
"What do you do for foreplay
"when you hook-up with a girl?"
And he's like,
"I don't know, I really like fucking on the couch.
"I think that's pretty cool."
(audience laughing)
That's what they think.
They think as long as it's out of the bedroom, that counts.
Fully penetrating a woman on a couch.
(audience laughing)
Foreplay.
No, foreplay is, it's simple.
It's kissing.
It's compliments.
It's going to therapy.
It's just work on yourself.
Whisper in my ear that you're ready
to address your anger with your dad
and you'll get an alert on your phone about
a flash flood, I'll get wet so fast.
(mimicking siren sound)
"Evacuate caves!"
Like I,
I can get wet.
I just...
you... dry humping?
Man, I get turned on just thinking about dry humping.
I could ride a knee into the goddamn sunset.
Give me a knee.
(audience laughing)
A knee clad in denim
and I can just get up on it.
I'm like Don Quixote up in this bitch.
I love dry humping.
I want to invent a moved called the "Reverse Santa"
where a girl just,
- you get, they face you sitting down,
you get on their knee, you grind it out,
you tell them what you want for Christmas,
they call you a good girl,
and then you take a picture.
And that's...
(audience laughing)
coming to a mall near you this holiday season.
That's what I want.
(audience applauding)
Just do stuff to us that isn't our vagina,
like just just keep it dry before it's wet.
I think dry humping's great.
We all are wearing jeans now like this, that have a seam
right where the seams meet.
There's like a... a bump.
It's called a clit-knobbin.
That's the name that Levi Strauss gave it
in his blueprints for the original 501s.
But that's good.
You use that and just,
that's a huge bump there.
He put it a little low
'cause every guy thinks your clit is where your hole is.
It's like, "Oh, he thought it was where the hole is."
So you've got to hike it up.
And it is hard to locate a clit.
I don't mean to judge a guy for not knowing.
Sometimes I look down there and I'm like,
"I don't know where the fuck that thing is hidin' today."
I keep a little Post-it on it now.
It's easy to locate.
You gotta be sucking clit.
Do you guys know about that?
Clit stuff is important.
And sucking clit is where it's at.
I didn't know anything about sucking clit.
I would have done the same thing
that you guys do when you go down on us.
If I went down on a girl, I would have done the same style.
I would just rub my face in it until I hit somethin'.
Like that's good.
I like that.
Keep that, I do enjoy it.
It's like when I play video games,
I press all the buttons and I win.
(audience laughing)
Just same logic.
However, you've got to be sucking clit.
Let me tell you about this.
I didn't even know about sucking clit
until I got sent a toy that did it for me.
This woman had heard me talk a lot about how I,
for me to have an orgasm, I need a lot of pressure, peer.
(audience laughing)
And so... she's like, "You need the womanizer."
And I was like, "Yeah, I've been trying to slide
"into John Mayer's DMs for a while now."
And I was like, "He brings 'LOL' and then we just
"kind of peters off."
And she's like, "No, I'm talking about a tool."
And I was like, "Yeah, so am I. But I guess he's,
"I like some of his songs."
We had a little back-and-forth,
a little who's on first?
And then she sent me this toy and it blew my mind
because you put it over your clit and it sucks your clit.
It has three settings.
It's low, medium, squirt and then it...
(audience laughing)
I swear to you, you can squirt.
I didn't think I could.
And now I know I can do anything.
(audience laughing)
We can do anything!
I never could squirt and I wanted to
'cause I think it's such a cool power move.
To just dump a quart of water on a guys bed
and be like, "Peace, catch you on the flip dude."
(audience laughing)
Nothing cooler than that to me.
No, it's like sucking clit makes sense, dude,
it really does.
Because clits and penises are pretty much the same thing.
Like the same nerve endings.
So what you really need to treat it like is like,
go down on a girl and suck her clit like you would
a tiny version of your penis, okay?
I know that feels weird to say and to even do,
but I swear to God, if you go down there
and you just treat her clit like you would
your tiny little penis.
You just suck that tiny little penis.
You're gay.
You're so gay!
That's the gayest shit I ever heard!
Why would you do that?
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)