The public bathroom- is there anything more reviled and disgusting, yet completely frustratingly
necessary in our civilization than the communal pot?
Study after study have shown that public restrooms are germ factories, and if you've seen some
of our own episodes on the subject then you probably haven't used a public restroom since!
But what if that was your only option?
What if your sacred porcelain throne was forever out of reach and your only recourse was to
use a public bathroom instead, every single day, every single time?
We're once more delving into the deepest scientific mysteries known to man and forcing your favorite,
and our least important, writer to use only public bathrooms for a week straight!
Day 1: Thanks YouTube.
Really, I mean it, thank you so much for feeding the Satanists who run The Infographics Show
even more ridiculous ways to make my life as inconvenient, disgusting, and painful as
possible.
What's next, YouTube?
Challenge: I ate only live hornets for a month straight?!
I should probably keep my mouth shut and not give Infographics any ideas, but I'm pretty
sure even they wouldn't go that far.
Not gonna lie though, I had second and then third thoughts about that last statement.
So here's the thing, my girlfriend used to hate these challenges, and sometimes she still
does.
The no lying for a week pretty much torpedoed our social life, and she made me sleep in
the sofa when I couldn't shower for a month straight.
But lately she's kind of been enjoying these new challenges, I don't know if she sees it
as payback for my other shenanigans, but I swear I see little devil horns growing on
her head when I tell her things like, “Hey babe, guess what I can't use the bathroom
in the house for the next week.”
I swear she's in cahoots with the Infographics staff.
Ok, so no house bathroom for a week.
I had to sit down and think out the logistics of this one, because obviously this means
I'll have to be trying to find a public bathroom every single time I have to use one.
The dog gets to pee and poop outside and nobody bats an eye, but I'm pretty sure that if I
tried the same thing someone would call the police.
Talk about double standards, it's the exact same stuff!
So, in order to make this feasible I plotted out all the local businesses and their hours
of operation.
Luckily I happen to live literally right next door to a 7-11, so popping over next door
in the middle of the night for a wiz is no problem.
I go in there all the time now for years so I'm pretty familiar with the guys behind the
counter, and I think it'll be no big deal to use the bathroom, even in the middle of
the night.
There is also a Starbucks across the street which is great because their bathroom is open
in the seating area, as opposed to the 7-11 bathroom which is in the employees only area.
That means I don't have to ask permission at Starbucks, and I've already decided on
a cover story for using the bathroom everywhere else: my apartment is undergoing renovations.
Luckily for me I've always been on good terms with the guys who run the 7-11 next door too,
so I'm pretty sure I'll have reliable access to that toilet for emergencies.
There is also a gas station across the street, but again that one is the type where you have
to ask for a key, and to be perfectly honest I think I've been inside it like twice in
the last seven years I've lived here.
I think my strategy is going to be to spread out the bathrooms I use so that I don't wear
out my welcome anywhere, or at least so people don't think I'm the biggest weirdo on planet
earth.
I think the gas station would be good for two, maybe three visits tops though just because
I am really not familiar with the staff there.
There is though a large grocery store also across the street, but theirs are also the
types of bathrooms you have to ask to use.
I go there pretty regularly but after my wearing women's makeup for a week and the no lying
for a week stunts I'm not sure how welcome I am to be frequenting their bathrooms.
They already probably think I'm the weirdest person in town, and I really don't want to
add to my reputation.
There is thankfully a Carl's Jr also across the street though which I can use anytime
because they are 24/7 restaurant and the bathrooms there are also public.
Ok, so I have my battleplan and I've plotted out my number two locations for the next week.
Honestly, doing all this work to figure out where I'm going to be dropping deuces for
the next seven days kind of made me realize that my life is... very weird.
I can just imagine trying to explain my job to someone, “oh how was work this week?”,
“well, I just had to calculate where I was going to do my bathroom business for the last
seven days, you know normal 9 to 5 stuff.”
See you guys in a few days.
Day 4: Ok, well I'm not entirely sure what kind of resources Infographics has at its
disposal, but I'm really trying to not believe that they have the power to shut down an entire
restaurant while simultaneously breaking the toilet in a completely separate venue.
Here's the thing, remember how earlier this week I said I was going to use Carl's Jr.
and the 7-11 for most of my around-the-clock toilet needs?
Well on day 2 the Carl's Jr which has been happily doing business right across the street
for the seven years that I've been living here, suddenly closed up.
A sign on the door says that it's closed down for good, and won't you please visit our other
location that's only three freaking miles away!
Talk about a wrench in the plans, but wait because as our good friend Billy Mays, may
he rest in peace, would say, there's more: on day 3 the toilet at 7-11 broke.
My primary and then my backup locations for round-the-clock toilet access are officially
gone.
And what's worse is that those were the only 24 hour spots that are open around here.
The gas station across the street only leaves the pumps on at night, no employee inside.
I've always loved where we live at, because even though it's in the middle of the city,
it's in an area that's not too developed with businesses, and is mostly residential.
That means no traffic, and no giant office buildings and all the noise that goes along
with city life.
Instead we have parks, trees, grass, and places to play fetch with your dog.
It also means that if you're dumb enough to have a job that requires you to not do your
business at home for a full week, you're kind of SOL when it comes to late-night bathrooms
to use.
It's not like I can just go knock on my neighbor's door at 2 am and ask to use the can.
So I found a solution for my late night problems, and it's not perfect, and I'm not particularly
happy about it, but, well, it works for me.
I got the inspiration from my dog, and I can bet most of you already know where this is
going.
See, he gets to pee and poo basically anywhere he pleases as long as its outside, and like
the stupid humans that we are, we come along behind him and pick up his poop with plastic
bags, which really begs the question of who's the actual master in the relationship.
No, I'm not going in plastic bags, but believe you me, it's not like the thought didn't cross
my mind.
Instead, I'm going natural.
There's a large empty lot a short walk across the street from my apartment complex where
huge power lines run through.
It's fenced off with a low fence and ringed on both sides by houses with their own walls
or fences.
There's a keep out sign posted there because of the big power pylons and some water works
plumbing, but I usually ignore it and take the dog in there to throw the ball and let
him run around off the leash.
This is my new bathroom, and it's perfect because there's trees at the front that block
line of sight from the field to the road.
It is the perfect place for incognito poos, but I'm not going to lie, I feel like a criminal
sneaking off to drop a deuce in secret and out in public.
Again, the dog does it literally every day, but I'm pretty sure it's a criminal offense
if I got caught.
As far as my regular public restroom use goes though, oh man, it's bad.
What is it with people that when they get into a public restroom they literally lose
their damn minds?
You can take a normal civilized human being who regularly uses a toilet at home and then
stick them in a public restroom and they walk away leaving a catastrophe behind.
It's like people literally don't understand how to use sinks and turn them on full blast
so water goes everywhere, or like they've just had hand transplant surgery and their
pee goes literally everywhere.
And don't get me started on the biggest mystery of all- why in the blue blazes do people not
flush their turds after dropping them?
What could possibly compel a normal person to drop a deuce in a public toilet, and then
literally just walk away like it’s the normal thing to do.
I get that most public toilets are automatic- which by the way I suspect are only automatic
because of this exact problem- but I'm pretty sure your toilet at home isn't an automatic.
You know how to flush, why do you have to be this way?
But the biggest mystery is when there’s no toilet paper in the bowl.
That's right, somebody did their business and then literally just walked away.
Just drop and go.
No wipe, no flush, just plop and turbo on out of the bathroom.
Day 7: I have to hand it to the Infographics show, because they consistently make me grateful
for the things I have in my life by denying me their use.
I never fail to appreciate a shower lately after that month-long fiasco of no showers,
and I practically tell my phone “I love you” every morning after a week of no phone
use.
My home toilet is no different.
I don't have an excuse though, I've been deployed before when I was in the military and I'm
no stranger to lacking facilities.
I guess I've gone soft though, because I definitely have not appreciated my toilet as much as
I should have, and this week of using nothing but public restrooms has taught me the error
of my overprivileged ways.
What can I say about my experience?
How can I possibly sum this up for you viewers at home?
It's equal parts terrible and disgusting.
Someone once said that you can judge how civilized a society is by the way they treat their prisoners,
but they were wrong.
Dead wrong.
You can judge how civilized a society is by the state of its public restrooms, and the
state of America's public restrooms are an absolute nightmare.
If aliens came to earth and wanted to know how enlightened they were, they would step
into a public restroom and immediately rush out laying waste to our entire planet with
their death rays just to keep us from spreading into the galaxy.
We are Neanderthals who after tens of thousands of years haven't yet figured out what proper
bathroom etiquette is.
Here's some simple rules based off my observations of public restrooms over the last week: first,
flush.
If your toilet isn't automatic, hit the flush lever.
If it is automatic and it doesn't flush, hit the button, there's always one.
Then, calmly make your way to the sink and simply turn on the water to a moderate and
reasonable pressure.
Don't parkour across all the stalls and blast the water like you're putting out a seven
story fire.
Then, take a single paper towel and dry your hands, don't rip every paper towel out of
the holder and start to shred it into confetti like you're throwing a bathroom-themed brazilian
carnaval.
Oh, and if you need to number two, then for the sake of everyone around you, wipe before
you leave.
How some people haven't figured this one out yet is beyond me.
Think you could forego toilet privileges in your own home for a week?
What other challenges can you think of?
Let us know in the comments!
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