Learning a lot of things in my life.
You guys want to live life
to the fullest?
Get married, it brings out the best
in you.
I learned a lot of things
before I got married.
My first-- my marriage,
and I learned, very anxious person,
could not wait to do things.
I look at my educational background.
When I was in high school,
I couldn't wait to go to college.
In college, I couldn't wait
to graduate, start my life,
and get married.
Then I got married, then I couldn't
wait to die.
(audience laughing)
It was the hardest thing I ever did
in my life.
It's harder than math.
And I'm Asian.
(audience laughing)
There's no calculator to help you
with your problems.
Sometimes, I'll walk away because I
don't want to do something crazy out
of anger.
I'll walk away, but she will say
the best thing to always get me,
"yeah, do what you do best,
"walk away from your problems."
Yeah, at least you know you're
the problem.
(audience laughing)
"What you say to me?"
Oh, nothing.
And that's when I put
on the panties.
You give up.
I like to call them manties.
Men, like, yeah, protect me
from feelings,
because it's the feelings that gets
you all confused.
Too much feelings for men.
That's why I believe women are made
perfect for war.
You send them off to war, the enemy
would not know what is going on.
It's like, "what's going on?"
We don't know.
All we know is, they're not talking
to us right now.
(audience laughing)
My dad was drafted in the Vietnam
War, and I asked my dad,
Dad, why did we fight the war
with men?
We should have fought them
with women on PMS.
Yeah, send them off to a women's
retreat, let their cycle sync up.
Now that's teamwork.
(audience laughing)
Don't feed them for a week,
they'll chew your head off.
(audience laughing)
Throw them into the jungle,
the Vietnamese would have been
shocked.
They were like, what the--
what are we going to do?
Don't know, say sorry.
(audience laughing)
And say it like you mean it.
(audience laughing)
And don't look in the eye.
Throw the chocolate.
(audience laughing)
Good, now they cry.
How are you guys doing, Ma'am?
You guys still having a good time?
It's a great, great crowd.
I like this.
Robots are taking
over the world.
I went to Safeway, local grocery
store in my area,
and there was a huge line.
Then I thought, you know what,
I'm going to try the self-checkout.
You ever use this things?
I went there, got all my stuff,
scanned it, got out really quick.
I was like, you know what, I'm going
to always use this.
Next time I went there,
I had produce.
Yeah, the things telling me
enter item code.
I'm entering the item code,
I'm thinking, wait, now I work here?
(audience laughing)
I don't even have an apron.
When's my break, because my feet is
killing me.
(audience laughing)
How is this faster?
Trying to get more exercise
in my life.
Then I went out to Safeway,
I had all my stuffs, six bags,
six grocery bags.
In San Francisco, kind of crazy,
there was like six cops.
Six cops, squad cars, a bunch
of cops.
Apparently, they were looking
for somebody.
Then I thought to myself, what if I
just drop all my stuff and run?
(audience laughing)
Right?
They'll probably chase.
You tell them the truth,
I didn't do anything.
"Then why were you running?"
I need to get my steps in.
(audience laughing)
I'm getting to the age
where I want a baby, because I want
to board the plane first.
(audience laughing)
I'll get a baby.
My brother says, you shouldn't get
a baby so soon, you have trouble
sleeping.
I travel a lot, and I have trouble
sleeping.
So the doctor gave me
some medication.
It's called Ambien.
My friend, my chick friend,
says, you shouldn't take
that, Shawnie, it could be
habit-forming,
you should do what I do.
I was like, "what do you do?"
She's like, I sleep naked.
I was like, "cool, where do you
"sleep?"
(audience laughing)
But she said, you don't get it,
you fall asleep naked, you --
it's like that, like, sleep
like a baby.
I was like, "I don't want to do that.
"Because what if I'm sleeping naked
"and a fire breaks loose?
"I have to run into the arms
"of fireman.
(audience laughing)
"He's cradling me.
"I look up, as like,
"are you Mr. October?"
(audience laughing)
Did get a dog, because my brother
says, you should get a dog,
its like a starter kit.
(audience laughing)
I was like, "are you crazy?"
Then I walked my dog to the dog
park, and then I saw this guy,
walking his kid with a leash.
Then I was like, this is true,
this guy is in transition
(audience laughing)
Named my dog Peter because I love
him like a son.
This little girl came up to me,
and says,
"what's the name of your dog, sir?"
I said, Peter.
"That's a weird name for a dog.
"You should have
"named him Popcorn."
(audience laughing)
I was like, oh, I could change
his name.
He's a dog, he won't know.
(audience laughing)
Then I thought,
that's a horrible name,
because what if I lost my dog
in the middle of the night?
"Popcorn!
"Popcorn!"
You got people in the houses,
behind the blinds, there's a guy out
there, yelling out for popcorn.
I think he's on drugs.
He's possibly doing the hey, hey.
(audience laughing)
Oh, my gosh, now why is he naked?
(audience laughing)
I miss Hawaii.
I followed my dreams.
I used to be a lifeguard
on the beautiful beaches
in the world, Pipeline Beach.
And one day, on the sunset,
I was like, you know what, there
must be better things out there.
And I left, I moved,
follow my dreams.
And I learned, I was wrong.
(audience laughing)
Hawaii's too beautiful.
It ruined my life.
It's too beautiful.
All I think about
is Hawaii, all the time.
Hawaii, you can't be upset,
you get to wear shorts every day,
every day.
Hawaiian Airlines is probably
the best airlines because they still
serve food.
You can't not serve food
for Polynesian person.
They would go crazy.
It's like, what you mean,
no more food?
I'm hungry, right now.
You know, my blood sugar is low.
"Yes, sir, please sit down, and put
"on your shirt.
(audience laughing)
"And where's your footwear?"
(audience laughing)
It's OK, you can laugh.
There's no Polynesians tonight.
(audience laughing)
It's good.
Traveled around as a kid.
My dad was in the Air Force.
We finally got to stay in Hawaii
for a while.
But before that, as a kid,
you visit a lot of homes.
You guys ever go visit a home,
you come across that one house that
smelled kind of, stink?
Kind of, fishy?
The host gives you a glass of water,
you get the glass of water,
you smell the cup.
(audience laughing)
This house stinks.
(audience laughing)
What is that smell?
You touch
some weird, mysterious liquid
in the kitchen.
It was kind of damp and tacky,
it's like, what did I just touch?
You have to find out what it is.
You have to do one of these.
(audience laughing)
Why am I crying?
(audience laughing)
Remember this house?
I remember this house because I
lived in this house.
(audience laughing)
The main ingredient to Thai food
is fish sauce.
You don't know what fish sauce
smells like?
Take your two fingers,
dig your butt.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to gross
you out, I'm telling you the truth.
I did the research.
(audience laughing)
They smell exactly the same.
(audience laughing)
Go to a Vietnamese noodle shop,
get the fish sauce,
it's like, he was right.
(audience laughing)
That was his house.
(audience laughing)
Nobody wanted to sleep over
at my house.
I would lie to my friends.
Would walk home from school,
we could smell my house
from the bottom of the street,
mom cooking her food.
I would walk home, I was like, hey,
guys, I forgot where I live.
(audience laughing)
Mom come out of the house.
"Shawnie, why your friend don't want
"to come over?"
Because it smells like a butt.
(audience laughing)
Hey, guys, let's go to the swings.
Birthday sucked at my house.
Because Thai people don't bake
cakes, they make like banana tapioca
pudding.
I would cry every birthday
because mom put candles
in the pudding.
Happy birthday.
(audience laughing)
Goo, why do you cry all the time?
"Nobody's here."
I don't care, blow the candle.
Make a wish.
(audience laughing)
"I wish I was white."
(audience laughing)
It not going to come true
because you say out loud.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)