- Hey what can I get you?
Our house coffee is four hours old
and I just had a panic attack in our walk-in freezer.
(whoosh)
(Cranking sound)
(folky country music)
- I saw you didn't use the tip jar
so I'm gonna grab your muffin with my bare hands.
- This milk expired two days ago
but if I add some chocolate you really won't notice
the difference.
- Oh.
(laughing)
I'm laughing to cover up how badly I just burned myself.
(ice crackling)
- Which coffee is my favorite?
Well the single origin is nice and fruity
and the house blend tastes like a chemical fire.
(wooshing)
- Oh you didn't actually say you wanted it iced
but that's no problem.
I'll just remake it and put my fingers in it.
- A flavored latte is pretty much just a milkshake.
And if you get whipped cream on it,
it's a (bleeping) milkshake.
- I'm only smiling because my face muscles
are so full of caffeine that if I relax them
my heart might explode.
(stirring liquid)
(market writing on paper)
- Kim.
P-O-L-F.
Thanks.
- Is our coffee strong?
Well I haven't slept for days
and I feel like I'm in a waking nightmare.
- I actually really like waking up early for this job.
Let's make it a fork at two p.m. so I can immediately
start day drinking.
- Quadruple latte with half and half?
Enjoy shitting your pants.
- You seem like an asshole so I'm gonna give you the
smallest croissant.
It's the one thing in my life that I can control.
(spraying)
(pouring)
(wiping)
- You want that cappuccino extra hot?
It's gonna burn your (bleeping) face off.
- One cup of sugar syrup for Polf?
- I know I serve you every morning
but if I see you in public
I'm gonna run the opposite direction.
- How am I doing?
I'm hoping to replace this hangover
with enough coffee to jumpstart a dump truck.
- Thanks for ordering tea.
It's something you probably should've made at home.
- This isn't what you ordered but I'm gonna call
your name anyway 'cause I really don't give a (bleeping).
(folky country music)