hey everybody today we're going to talk about child on child sexual abuse because
it's not often talked about and there are so many issues and misconceptions out there
which is why today i want to offer 10 must-know facts from shame to abuse cycles and trauma
to parental response and so much more and really quickly on the topic of trauma i want to remind
you that my new book traumatized is available now in it i talk about what trauma is how it can feel
and of course how we can heal from it you can order your copy today by clicking the link in
the description or find it wherever books are sold unfortunately children abuse other children this
could be because they themselves are being sexually abused by someone or have viewed
sexually explicit materials and are acting out what they saw this isn't commonly talked about
because it can be hard to imagine it happening and even harder to view a child as a perpetrator
but it is very common and therefore it's important that we discuss it which is why
i'm going to explain the 10 must-know facts about it so let's get into it
yeah right it's it's the thing that sucks about it is because i've been deep in it for like a
couple of i don't know probably like a month now i guess reading is that because it's a child you
it's not like it's their fault but it is so the people who are abused by another child like i had
a patient years ago who was abused by another boy and like it [ __ ] with your head because
you can't put them in jail because they're hurt too but then like you're hurt it's so
the first fact is that child on child sexual abuse is abuse it can have the same effects on us as
any other kind of abuse and the reason for that is regardless of the perpetrator's age
what happened to us was a sexual act that should not have happened to a child our age that can be
overwhelming to our system and cause confusion shame guilt embarrassment it is a trauma and we
will need to heal from it just as we would from any other trauma an analogy that was shared with
me to further explain this fact is that a kid can accidentally shoot another kid with a gun
regardless of whether they are old enough to understand the permanence of death or
what a gun can actually do when fired the other child has still been shot and suffers all the same
effects now i know that that may sound intense and that analogy might be a little overwhelming
but it does a good job of explaining why child on child sexual abuse is abuse and before we get
into it any further i do want to define this term child on child sexual abuse because many struggle
to understand what's normal sexual development in children and what's problematic sexual behavior
what's normal is based on what's age appropriate for the child so normal
sexual exploration for young kids is more about curiosity around their own or others body parts
and how they work and if they involve another kid no one really feels pressured or forced
to participate normal behavior for pre-teens would include starting to masturbate privately
and they might have romantic relationships that include things like consensual hugging
and kissing with other kids at the same levels of maturity it's normal for other older teens to
have relationships with each other that might or might not include sex as long as it's consensual
now problematic sexual behaviors in children and adolescents are those that are unusual for that
age group and occur in situations where there's significant age power or developmental differences
and they tend to be coercive secretive or excessive does that make sense and that was
just a lot to run through like the the second fact is that the age of the perpetrator isn't the only
important or defining factor in many cases of child on child sexual abuse the one doing the
abusive things isn't much older or even is possibly younger than the victim so even if
for example you were eight and your abuser was six that doesn't mean that it couldn't be abuse
the truth is knowing about sex can be what gives them power not just age size or strength also it
doesn't matter what sex the child who initiated the abuse was or whether they used threats or
violence whether or not there was force is not the only factor in whether something was abuse or not
we can all be manipulated or coerced into doing things especially when we're children not to
mention that we don't often understand consent or or too young to even give it so even if we agreed
to participate that doesn't mean we wanted it or even understood what was happening and i know that
shame comes along with that and abuse tries to tell us that you know we should have fought back
harder or known better but the truth is we were a child too and we might not have known that what
was happening was abusive or how to get out of the situation and don't worry i will be digging
into shame in the next fact and in fact seven so stick around for more about that the third fact is
parents and other adults don't often know what to say or do about it the discomfort parents can have
with sex and talking about sex with their children lets those of us who are in pain down and it's
important that when a child comes to us telling us that someone has hurt them or touched them in
their private places that we believe them too often parents and other adults will just chalk
it up to kids being curious and experimenting or decide to never talk about it again
those responses only compound the shame we already feel about what happened to us and don't worry i'm
going to talk a lot more about that a little later in this video but those responses or lack of them
feed into the false beliefs that it wasn't that big of a deal or it wasn't actually abuse
and we're just overreacting or that we brought it on ourselves and are to blame for what happened to
us as parents and responsible adults we need to do better and i will dig into some of those ways that
we can better support and help our children heal in the next few facts so stay tuned fact number
four is that talking about this will help i've heard from parents that they worry if they make
too big of a deal about the abuse that it will only make it worse for the child and they just
want their pain to go away so they stop talking about it all together but talking about it openly
and honestly will actually do the opposite and no i don't mean you know sharing all of our own
adult reactions with our child but being open to conversations with them about what happened and
how they feel is really important and being aware of things like shame and guilt popping up can
really help for example when our child tells us something happened we show worry care and concern
and let them know that they can tell us about what happened and will keep them safe and do your best
to not react with upset or disgust okay much of what children need in times like this is to feel
heard understood and most importantly protected from any further pain if we try and sweep the
issue under the rug our child won't feel any of those things and instead will most likely
blame themselves for what happened so please when it is brought up manage any of your own
discomfort and give your child the room needed to speak about it and don't drop the subject after
one conversation keep checking in and let them know that you're there to help if more comes up
it's the best way to help them in their healing process which rolls nicely into fact number five
getting our child into therapy right away is best now i know many parents and children can
worry what will happen if we tell a therapist or other professional about the abuse and don't
worry i will dig deeper into that process in fact number nine so stay tuned for that but therapy is
important because we can heal from these traumatic events which i also touch on later in this video
but we know that the sooner we are able to talk through and process a trauma the less likely it
is to be stuffed down and develop into ptsd or other mental illnesses things like depression
anxiety or even borderline personality disorder make sure you talk with your child about this
letting them know that you want them to find someone they're comfortable talking with
offer to sit in on a session or two if they want and while making sure they do go to therapy
let them guide the rest of the process we don't want to take away any more of their power or
confidence but we do want to make sure that they get the help that they so desperately need
also as a patient know that therapists do tell parents something said in therapy if
we're under 18 years old so it's best to ask them what will be kept between you two
and what will be shared that way there aren't any surprises or trust broken if the therapist
needs to tell your parents something that you said overall the sooner we get in to see someone and
start talking through the abuse the better and if possible find a therapist who is trauma informed
the sixth fact is that shame and disgust can come along with this type of abuse or really any type
of abuse but when we are harmed by another child it can be hard for us to understand what happened
and think that we must have done something to cause this when we're young and don't have all of
the information or understanding about a situation we use what we do know to try and make sense of it
and what we usually know the most about is ourselves and our role in what took place meaning
that we are likely to blame ourselves for the abuse and for not knowing better or saying no
most of us might have even felt shame because some of what happened could have felt good to
our bodies or we might have even had an orgasm which is common in sexual abuse because that's
just how our body parts are designed to work we can think that something must be wrong with
us to let that happen and we can start to doubt ourselves or who we are and what we're capable of
not to mention that if we are finally coming to terms with this as an adult
it can disgust us that this happened to us at such a young age we can struggle to even
talk about all that happen because we realize now just how adult those abusive actions were
and it can be a lot to process moving right on to fact number seven hypersexuality is often a result
of childhood sexual abuse and this can happen when we are abused by an adult or another child
because when we are sexualized from a young age meaning before we would naturally be interested
in it we can find ourselves masturbating but not knowing why we're doing it or even what we're
really doing or even engaging in other sexual acts and while i know this can sound odd we can
do this as a way to process what happened and try to make sense of it kind of like if we repeat the
behavior enough we will understand it better and it will stop being so upsetting which can cause us
to engage in sexual behaviors following the abuse it has nothing to do with our feelings about it or
what we like and don't like many of my patients and viewers have also talked about how the abuse
affected their sexuality long term and how many went through years of being sexually promiscuous
as a way of trying to take back the power and making their own decisions about sex even
if they maybe weren't the healthiest for them just know that all of this is perfectly normal
and something that should be talked about and processed through in therapy as well
the eighth fact is even though many children were first abused themselves they are still responsible
for the pain that they caused it's often believed that children don't know what they're doing and
therefore can't be held accountable sure a child may be too young to really know what it was that
they were doing or maybe abuse happened to them which i'll touch on in my next fact
but that doesn't make their actions any less hurtful to the child that they were doing it to
in general it's safe to say that just because one person doesn't know what they're doing is
hurtful doesn't make it any less so to the person they're doing it to you know does that make sense
we are all responsible for our actions especially those that hurt other human beings
and we are all capable of abuse no matter our age unfortunately in many cases but not all children
who abuse other children have first been abused themselves the abuse that they endured explains
why they did what they did remember that last fact about hypersexuality that's what i'm talking about
but that only explains it right that doesn't excuse it just because we know why a child
acted the way that they did doesn't mean that they didn't also cause harm
a child who harms another child needs treatment so that they can stop
most children who have abused another child don't go on to become abusers as adults and treatment
helps make sure that that doesn't happen fact nine if a mandated reporter like a therapist or a
teacher finds out about the abuse child protective services will get involved and investigate
now this process is a bit confusing so i will try my best to simplify it
and this is how it works in the u.s but keep in mind that it may be different in other countries
so when your child tells me as a therapist and a mandated reporter
that they were abused i have to report this to cps or child protective services now this means that i
will have to fill out a form with the child's name address what happened and as much information as i
can gather about the abuser the other child right their name address phone number age
school they go to etc they will also ask if i think this is happening to other children
like if the child who initiated the problematic sexual acts is around a lot of kids and could
have an opportunity to harm someone else and yes i know in this case we are talking about children
who harm other children so they're going to be around other kids but i'm just walking you through
the questions and what the protocol is then cps will take the information that i gave to them
and investigate they will probably come by your home and speak with you and your spouse or partner
and they may want to speak to your child the one who told the mandated reporter about it or
any other children in the house if the child who initiated the problematic sexual acts doesn't live
in the same household they will do the same at that child's home then they will decide the next
best action meaning does the child who initiated the problematic sexual acts need to be placed into
a treatment center or taken to jail or juvenile detention center or other things like that
overall they just want to check to make sure that things are safe for the child who was abused
and decide on best actions to take regarding the child initiating the problematic sexual acts and
finally fact 10 we can heal from this abuse i know a lot of what we talked about today
could have been hard to take in and difficult to process but know that getting in to see a
therapist and working through the abuse you sustained is really best i know it's tough
and trauma work sucks but with the right help it can and will get better what you experienced was
abuse it doesn't matter who did it or whether or not you were able to fight back and you deserve
to feel heard understood and validated as you work through to process it all it can get better
you can heal so please speak up reach out and get the help that you need and deserve
you