- I gotta tell you though,
becoming a dad though was the greatest,
is the greatest fucking thing that ever happened to me, man.
It really is.
I don't have any jokes about my kid.
(audience cheers) No, it is.
And you're applauding my wife.
She did all the work.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, knocking a woman up, that's easy.
You just have fun.
Unprotected sex, bam, you knock 'em up.
And then they have to deal with it.
No matter how much they try to drag you into it,
it really is their show.
(audience laughs)
I always said my wife.
When my wife was pregnant, I've said,
"My wife, she's pregnant."
And then I always had these people like,
"Excuse me, you're 'sposed to say, "We're pregnant."
"You're 'sposed to say we're pregnant."
It's like well, I'm not a seahorse, so.
(audience laughs)
I'm not fucking pregnant.
My wife is pregnant.
Look at her, she's putting on weight,
her feet are swelling up.
She's miserable, fucking miserable.
I'm still doing pull-ups.
I'm crushing it!
(audience laughs)
While being pregnant!
I'm still drinking, smoking, yeah.
(laughs)
No, the only thing that sucked
was I had to get rid of my dog.
Yeah, had to find her a new home.
Well I finally had to admit that she was fucking crazy!
I got a crazy rescue dog and, yeah,
it was one of these fucking dogs.
It tried to kill both my parents,
it tried to kill my father-in-law,
it bit one of my friends.
I'd have family come over, friends or whatever,
we'd have to stick it in the back room,
like lock the door.
For the first hour it'd just be
throwing itself up against the door,
"(screams) I'll fucking kill all you motherfuckers!"
"I'll kill all you motherfuckers!"
Looking under the door,
"I can see your feet!"
"I know what you smell like!"
(audience laughs)
"I'll follow you home, I'll find you!"
"I'll fucking kill all of you!" (laughs)
And we were just in like total denial,
like, "No, she's just a little scared."
(audience laughs)
"Because she was abused."
And we got like a trainer and all of that shit,
and he finally just said, "Listen man."
"This is one of these dogs nature said no to
but people said yes to."
So I'm like Jesus Christ,
you could have told me that 10,000 fucking dollars ago.
(audience laughs)
So now my wife, she's five months pregnant.
She's six months, seven, eight months pregnant.
It's just the fucking, this thing
just hanging over my head.
And finally I just said to my wife,
"We gotta do something about this, man."
I'm not gonna be this guy on the news being like,
"Well you know,
the dog loved me and my wife,
so I figured all right to let it sleep near the bassinet.
"And well you can imagine my surprise the next morning."
Yeah, I wasn't gonna be that guy on the news
whose dog ate his baby.
(audience laughs)
I gotta get rid of this thing.
So we called my trainer and he goes,
"All right, I'll take it."
Okay, so thank God they're not gonna put the dog down
or anything like that.
So I'm like thank God.
So he goes, "I'll come back in a week."
And it was very sad because we both loved this dog
like with all our hearts, right?
And what amazed me though,
was over that week the way my wife handled grief versus me.
It was so mature.
She just like took it on.
I just went into denial.
I was just like, "Well, I'm not giving it away tomorrow,
so I'm not gonna think about it."
I just called the dog up in the bed, started petting her
and lashing out at people for no fucking reason.
Right?
My wife on the other hand,
she just went right into the bathroom that night,
she was brushing her teeth.
I could just hear her quietly crying like (imitates crying).
I swear to God, I was on the bed
and I literally got mad at her.
(audience laughs)
I didn't yell at her, I had it just internal.
You know?
And I was just thinking like why is she having
the proper emotion in this fucking moment?
(audience laughs)
Why isn't she just blocking it out
the fucking way I am, right?
Just don't deal with it until you fucking give it away,
and then just start yelling at people.
The way I do!
All right, and that's what we did.
I just blocked it out, and every night she would cry.
A little bit more, the whole week (imitates crying).
'Til the night before she was like (imitates loud sobbing)
And what I didn't realize
was she had cried herself into acceptance.
And meanwhile, my emotions were still at the starting line!
And then there's a knock at the door and she goes,
"Okay, he's here!
Go get the dog."
And I'm like, "Hey, Cleo!"
And she popped her head up,
and I saw her wagging her fucking tail,
and all of a sudden eight years of conditional love
all started bubbling up.
And I was like, "Aw fuck, not now!"
(audience laughs) "Not now!" (laughs)
So I just pushed it down (yells).
I just walked at her, like some weird game show host.
"Hey, how are ya?"
"I'm smiling for no reason, all right?"
"Now we're going for a walk."
"I'm just gonna say what we're doing
so I don't think about what I'm feeling!"
I just walked out, handed the leash to the new owner,
pet her on the head, didn't even look her in the eye
because I knew I couldn't.
And just turned around and walked away from something
that I loved more than I had loved
anything in my life, up to that point,
don't tell my wife.
(audience laughs)
So then I come back into the house, all right?
And she's just looking at me,
she knows I'm out of my fucking mind.
She's like, "Are you okay?"
"Is everything all right?"
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"Are you going to get something to eat or something?"
I'm like, "No, I'm fine!"
"Sometimes you have to be up here and think logical
and not be in your heart!"
"I'm just gonna go into the bathroom for a second!"
And I went in, and I closed the door,
and for .8 seconds cried like a little boy
before (blows loudly) I put the lid back on the jar.
(audience laughs)
Fastened it back,
and just added it to the shelf of anger
(audience laughs)
that sits in every man's chest.
(audience cheers)
Yeah.
And I couldn't help but wonder in that moment,
who that I love in my life
is gonna pay for that in the future?
(audience laughs)
Like where am I gonna be?
Fam reunion!
Bed Bath and Beyond,
"How many fucking towels do we need?
Jesus Christ it's a fucking sickness with you!"
"Where is this coming from?"
"I just don't understand where this is coming from?"
(audience laughs and applauds)