In order to be falsely accused I would need accusers.
I turned to my intern, Josh, and his girlfriend, Tina.
So this is the police blotter for the city of Burbank.
Now pick a crime on here, any crime at all,
and then accuse me of it.
I don't want you to back down no matter what,
no matter what the police say, certainly no matter what I say.
Just point the finger of blame at me, please,
and keep it pointed.
Okay. Yeah, no problem.
Okay, good. See, look here.
Someone's been stealing avocados from this woman's tree.
Like, that's perfect.
What you doing? Oh, you're getting started.
- You know what to do? - I think Tina's got it.
(Forrest) But very quickly, I began to suspect I'd left this task
to the wrong people.
Josh and Tina seemed to be putting off their accusation
in favor of all other manner of business.
While on an outing to buy headphones
from a store called craigslist,
Tina ran out of gas.
You get this at the gas station, fill it up with gas.
Well, if I'm going to the gas station,
- I'm just gonna fill it up. - Sure.
- Yes, you can hold on to that. - Have a good day.
I hope you weren't doing anything really important.
To be honest, I was not,
but this is still an inconvenience.
(Forrest) Josh, in an effort to make up for this frustrating time suck,
offered to have my glasses fixed...
Like, this side is closer to my face than this side.
(Forrest) An errand which I did appreciate,
as they'd been crooked ever since I was shot in them.
- Here you go. - Thank you very much.
I felt useless in the meantime, a feeling Tina tried to soothe
by having me sign some responses to our fan mail.
I guess they'd get a big kick
out of seeing my name signed on there, huh?
(Forrest) I began to suspect my coconspirators had completely
forgotten their assignment.
Great. And that's just your whole name.
All right.
(Forrest) I couldn't have been more wrong.
The police are here for you.
[sighs] At last.
- Are you Forrest MacNeil? - Yes, I am.
But, officers, I'm sorry to say you've got the wrong man.
I don't even like avocados. You see, they upset my stomach.
Great. You're under arrest for arson, attempted murder...
- What? No, no, no. - And destruction of property.
What are you talking about? Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
You have the right to remain silent.
Oh, no, no. Hey, Dad, call my lawyer, okay?
Forr-- Who's your lawyer?
- Call a really good lawyer. - A realty lawyer?
If you cannot afford an attorney,
one will be appointed for you.
Oh, Forrest.
(Forrest) My lawyer, Daisy, rushed to the police station.
What took you so long?
I couldn't find my shoes.
Well, this is ridiculous.
I mean, they can't possibly have any kind of case against me.
Well, I normally would tell you not to worry, Forrest,
but I think you should worry.
How could it be bad? There's no way for this to be bad.
(Forrest) To my shock and horror,
I had been charged with the incredibly serious crime
of burning down a sorority house
at the University of Southern California.
They found your fingerprints
all over this container used to pour gas on the house.
Well, that ought to do it.
They found eyeglasses that match your prints
and your prescription.
- Here you go. - Thank you very much.
I appreciate it. Think about it for a second.
How would I have driven home from there without my glasses?
Well, you might have a backup pair.
- I do have a backup pair. - Oh, my God.
And finally, a whole series of hand-signed hate letters.
"Put a jacket on, whores."
That's my signature.
"Life--it's literally all you have.
"And you're a bunch of stuck-up sluts.
Signed, Forrest MacNeil."
I guess they'd get a big kick
out of seeing my name signed on there, huh?
(Forrest) Apparently, Josh and Tina had not felt it adequate
to simply point the finger at me for a minor crime.
This was supposed to be stolen avocados.